“Another lesson?” I asked, not hiding my sarcasm.
“Just trying to help.” Anger tightened his voice.
“You can stop. Stick to what you know, Cahil. If it doesn’t involve horses, then I don’t need your assistance.”
He let his breath out in a long huff. From the corner of my eye, I saw him swallow his temper. Impressive.
“You’re still mad at me,” he said.
“Why would I be?”
“For not believing you about being a spy.”
When I didn’t say anything, he continued, “For what happened with First Magician. I know it must have been awful—”
“Awful!” Stopping in the middle of the street, I rounded on Cahil. “What do you know? Has she done it to you?”
“No.”
“Then you have no idea what you’re talking about. Imagine being helpless and stripped bare. Your thoughts and feelings exposed to a ruthless intimate scrutiny.”
His eyes widened in shock. “But she said you fought her off. That she couldn’t fully read you.”
I shuddered at the thought of Roze going deeper, understanding why Cahil had claimed that her interrogation left some people with mental damage.
“It’s worse than being raped, Cahil. I know. I’ve suffered both.”
He gaped. “Is that why?”
“What? Go ahead. Ask.” I wasn’t about to spare him to make him feel better.
“Why you stayed in your room those first three days?”
I nodded. “Irys told me I was sulking, but I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone even looking at me.”
Topaz put his head over my shoulder. I rubbed my cheek on his soft face. My anger at Cahil had blocked out the horse’s thoughts. Now I opened my mind to him.
Lavender Lady safe. Topaz’s pleasure filled my mind. Apple?
I smiled. Later.
Cahil watched us with a strange expression on his face. “You only smile at the horses.”
I couldn’t tell if he was jealous or sad.
“What Roze…I…did to you. Is that why you keep everyone at arm’s length?” Cahil asked.
“Not entirely. And not everyone.”
“Who else do you smile at?”
“Irys.”
He nodded as if he had expected that answer. “Anyone else?”
My fingers touched the bump my chest made by the butterfly pendant under my shirt. Valek would get more from me than a smile. But I said, “My friends in the north.”
“The ones who taught you to fight?”
“Yes.”
“How about the person who gave you that necklace?”
I jerked my hand away. “How did you know about my necklace?” I demanded.
“It fell out while you were unconscious.”
I frowned, remembering Cahil had carried me to my room after Roze’s interrogation.
“Guess I shouldn’t have reminded you about that,” he said. “But I was right about it being a gift, wasn’t I?”
“It’s none of your business. Cahil, you’re acting like we’re friends. We’re not friends.”
The children waited for us at an intersection. I started toward them.
Cahil caught up. We walked on in silence. When we reached the Keep, I took my packages from the children and paid them each two coppers.
I grinned at Fisk, and then glanced at Cahil, feeling self-conscious about my smiles.
“See you on the next market day,” I said to Fisk. “And tell your friends they’ll each get an extra copper if they show up clean.”
He waved. I watched the group of children disappear; they probably knew all the back alleys and secret ways inside the Citadel. That knowledge might be useful one day. I would have to ask Fisk to show me.
Having grown up in the Citadel, Cahil probably knew the shortcuts, too, but I wouldn’t ask him. Not when he had such a dour expression.
“What now?” I asked.
He sighed. “Why do you always have to make things so difficult?”
“You started this. Remember? Not me.”
He shook his head. “Why don’t we start over? We’ve been at odds from the start. What can I do to receive one of your rare smiles?”
“Why do you want one? If you’re hoping that we’ll become friends and I’ll confide in you all the military secrets of Ixia, don’t bother.”
“No. That’s not what I want. I want things to be different between us.”
“Different how?”
Cahil looked around as if searching for the right words. “Better. Less hostility. Friendlier. Conversations instead of arguments.”
“After what you put me through?”
“I’m sorry, Yelena.” The words tore from his throat as if it pained him to say them. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you said you weren’t a spy. I’m sorry I asked First Magician to—” he swallowed. “To rape your mind.”
I turned my face away from him. “That apology is weeks old, Cahil. Why bother now?”
He sighed. “Plans are being made for the New Beginnings feast.”
Some hitch in Cahil’s voice caused me to look at him. He wrapped and unwrapped Topaz’s leather reins around his hands.
“It’s a feast to celebrate the beginning of the cooling season and the new school year. A chance for everyone to get together and start anew.” Cahil’s blue eyes searched mine. “In all these years, I have never wanted to take anyone with me. I never had anyone who I wanted to have by my side. Yet when I overheard the cooks discussing the feast’s menu this morning, your image filled my mine. Come with me, Yelena?”