The first one.
“Do you believe in that?” I ask quietly. “In one person for everyone?”
Something changes in St. Clair’s eyes. Maybe sadness. “I can’t speak for anyone but myself,” he says. “But, for me, yes. I have to be with Anna. But this is something you have to figure out on your own. I can’t answer that for you, no one can.”
“Oh.”
“Lola.” He rolls his chair over to my side. “I know things are shite right now. And in the name of friendship and full disclosure, I went through something similar last year. When I met Anna, I was with someone else. And it took a long time before I found the courage to do the hard thing. But you have to do the hard thing.”
I swallow. “And what’s the hard thing?”
“You have to be honest with yourself.”
“Lola. You look . . . different.”
The next afternoon and I’m on Max’s doorstep, sans wig and fancy makeup. I’m wearing an understated skirt and a simple blouse, and my natural hair is loose around my shoulders. “Can I come in?” I’m nervous.
“Of course.” He moves aside, and I enter.
“Is Johnny here?”
“No, I’m alone.” Max pauses. “Do your dads know you’re here?”
“They don’t have to know where I am all the time.”
He shakes his head. “Right.”
I wander toward his couch, pick up the Noam Chomsky book on his coffee table, flip through the pages, and set it back down. I don’t know where to begin. I’m here for answers. I’m here to find out if he’s the one.
Max is staring at me strangely, about something other than my sudden presence. It makes me even more uncomfortable. “What?” I ask. “What’s that look?”
“Sorry. You . . . look a little young today.”
My heart wrenches. “Is that bad?”
“No. You look beautiful.” And he gives me that gorgeous half smile. “Come here.” Max collapses onto his beat-up couch, and I climb into his arms. We sit in silence. He waits for me to speak again, aware that I’m here for a reason. But I can’t form the words. I thought being here would be enough. I thought I’d know when I saw him.
Why is the truth so hard to see?
I trace his spiderwebs. Max closes his eyes. I lightly brush the boy in the wolf suit in the crook of his elbow. He releases a moan, and our lips find each other. He pulls me onto his lap. I’m helpless against the current.
“Lolita,” he whispers.
And my entire body freezes.
Max doesn’t notice. He lifts the edge of my shirt, and it’s enough to wake me up. I yank it back down. He startles. “What? What’s the matter?”
I can barely keep my voice steady. “Which one, Max?”
“Which one, what?” He’s unusually dazed. “What are we talking about?”
“Which Dolores Nolan are you in love with? Are you in love with me, Lola? Or are you in love with Lolita?”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what it means. You call me Lolita, but you get weird when I’m not dressed up, when I look my age. So which one? Do you like the older me or the younger me?” A worse thought occurs. “Or do you only like me because I’m young?”
Max is furious. He pushes me off his lap and stands up. “You really want to have this conversation? Right now?”
“When would be a better time? When, Max?”
He swipes up his lighter from the side table. “I thought we’d been over the age thing. I thought it was something that bothered other people.”
“I just want the truth. Do you love me? Or do you love my age?”
“How the HELL can you say that?” Max throws his lighter across the room. “In case you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You chased ME down. I didn’t want this.”
“What you mean you ‘didn’t want this’?You didn’t want me?”
“That’s not what I said!” he bursts out. “Oh, I wanted you. But guys like me aren’t supposed to go after girls like you, remember? Isn’t that what we’re talking about? Jesus. I don’t know what you want me to say. It sounds like every answer I give you will be the wrong one.”
The truth hits me with a vicious punch to the gut. Every answer is the wrong one.
“You’re right,” I whisper.
“Damn right, I’m right.” A pause. “Wait. Right about what?”
“There’s no right answer. It doesn’t exist. There’s no way this can end well.”
He stares me down. For several moments, neither of us speaks.
“You’re not serious,” he says at last.
I force myself to stand. “I think I am.”
“You think you are.” His jaw hardens. “After your parents. After Sunday brunch? Do you have any idea what I’ve put up with to be with you?”
“But that’s just it! You shouldn’t have to ‘put up’ with—”
“Did I have a choice?” Max closes the distance between us.
“Yes. No! I don’t know . . .” I’m shaking. “I’m just trying to be honest.”
“Oh.” His nose is an inch from mine. “You’re ready to be honest.”
I swallow hard.
“Honestly,” he says, “I don’t know who you are. Every time I see you, you’re someone different. You’re a liar, and you’re a fake. Despite what you think, despite what your dads have told you, there is nothing special about you. You’re just a little girl with a lot of issues. That is what I think about you.”
And then . . . my world goes black.
“Love,” I blurt. “I thought you loved me.”
“I thought I did, too. Thank you for making things so clear.”
I stumble backward in horror. For one crazy moment, I want to throw myself at his feet and beg for his forgiveness. Promise to be someone else, promise to be one person.
Max crosses his arms.
And then . . . I want to hurt him.
I step back into him, my nose against his. “Guess what?” I hiss back. “I am a liar. I do like Cricket Bell. You’re right. I’ve been hanging out with him this whole time! And he’s been in my bedroom, and I’ve been in his. And I want him, Max. I want him.”