Air. I was breathing in air. Clarity came rushing back to my mind. I grabbed on to Stellan, whose mouth was suctioned over mine, giving me all the air from his lungs.
He detached carefully, holding up one finger. I flailed, shaking my head frantically, definitely not enough oxygen in me yet. I let out bubbles, so I had empty lungs again as he rose once more, then came back, holding my face between his hands, and I drank in the air greedily, unable to stop myself from clutching his head to me, pulling him as close as I could. This time, I realized water was leaking into my mouth, too, a briny taste on my tongue.
I was still dizzy, not quite there. I remembered somewhere in the back of my mind a lifeguarding class I took when we were living on the coast. This kind of rescue breathing was not advised because the victim always panics and takes too many breaths. But the lifeguard had said she’d seen it work where the two people breathed back and forth for a few seconds to get the victim’s lungs working normally again.
Stellan tried to pull away, but I pulled his head back to mine. At first he resisted the air going back into his chest, but then he got it. There was so little light down here a couple feet below the surface, but I could see his eyes staring straight into mine until mine fluttered closed at the euphoria of breathing, in and out, in and out. I almost forgot Stellan’s mouth was on mine until he gently closed off our lips and detached my hands from where they’d clawed into his hair. The air we were passing probably didn’t have any oxygen left. He held up a finger again.
This time, I was alert enough to think about what was happening as he slid back down beside me, his hands pushing back the hair swirling around my face. I felt a ridiculous flash of guilt for just a second. But I wasn’t kissing him. This was clammy and salty and terrifying and entirely unsexy. He was literally breathing life into me, and I pulled him close hungrily again, emptying my lungs to make room for more before I brought his lips to mine. Unlike the last two times, I was aware of his chest contracting against me as he emptied his lungs into mine and let me breathe back and forth with him for a second.
As I took the last of this breath, I realized the voices above had stopped. Stellan looked up, too, his blond hair floating out around his head like a halo. He let go of my face and rose to the surface again, slowly peering out of the water. He must have decided they were gone, because he popped the rest of the way out, swimming quickly away. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I knew he’d come back. And sure enough, a second later, he was shooting toward me underwater, something in his hand. My lungs ached again, out of air so much faster now that they’d been traumatized.
He gave me one more lungful of his breath, and I could feel heat at the corners of my eyes. Even surrounded by water, I could tell I was crying as the dreamy panic lifted and the reality of what was happening set in. Stellan pulled away and swam behind me. He plunged whatever was in his hand into the material of my dress, and I felt a pull, then a sudden lightness.
I shot to the surface. My head broke into the cold dry dark, and I took gasp after sobbing, coughing gasp of air air air air.
Hot tears streamed down my cold cheeks and my whole body quaked. Stellan popped up beside me, and there was finally enough light for me to see he looked terrified. He took my face between his hands, examining me.
“Are you okay? Can you breathe?” he whispered.
My throat was raw. My eyes burned. My lungs felt like they couldn’t possibly expand enough to hold all the oxygen I wanted. I nodded.
Stellan muttered what I could tell was a string of curses in Russian, and I wanted to apologize, for whatever I’d done that had gotten me stuck down there, for being who I was that made it necessary for us to hide. For putting him in danger, too. But I couldn’t form the words, and before I could, he planted a hard, clammy kiss on my forehead.
The curses weren’t anger, I realized. They were relief. He pulled away quickly, like he was expecting me to shove him off the way I usually would if he did that.
Instead, I threw my arms around his neck.
He didn’t hesitate for a second before he pulled me to his chest, like he’d been waiting for it.
I wasn’t sure if it was how grateful I was or if I needed to rest or if I just needed a hug that badly, but I wrapped myself around him like I’d never let go. I was shaking hard enough to make waves in the water. My tears rolled over his shoulder, and he held me tight, murmuring into my ear in Russian. I couldn’t understand a word, but it was the most soothing sound in the world. After a second, I felt him release the side of the boat and wrap his other arm around me. He was treading water to support both of us so he could hold me tighter, and all I could do was press my face into his neck with a silent alive alive alive thank you I’m alive.
Elodie’s voice echoed out over the water. “Stellan!” Then, more quietly to Colette, “Where are they? I swear, if they’re not even here and we had to flirt with those disgusting men for no reason . . .”
“Here,” Stellan croaked. I unwrapped my legs from his waist, realizing what we’d look like, soaking wet and clinging to each other in the shadows. He didn’t loosen his grip on me at all.
Two heads peered over the deck, silhouetted by the deck light. Elodie sniffed, and I could feel her raised eyebrows of scorn from here.
“Can you swim?” Stellan said quietly. I nodded, even though I didn’t really want to let go. He kept an arm around me as we made our way back to the ladder.
Before we climbed up, I turned around one more time. Stellan’s hair was slicked back, throwing the angles of his face into even higher relief. His T-shirt was ripped at the shoulder. I had to restrain myself from throwing my arms around him again, and he opened his mouth like he was about to say something.
Heavy footsteps sounded on the deck. I groped for Stellan again, ready to hide, but Jack’s voice boomed out. “What’s going on? Where’s Avery?”
Stellan let me go like I was burning his hands, and Jack ran across the deck to pull me the rest of the way up.
• • •