away gone exiled over
“What do you mean?” Fiona asked, too much concern in her voice. I couldn’t take it.
“I don’t have to explain!” I shouted, pulling away from her.
I am not the center of anything.
20J
The avenger had to eat lunch, and since there was only one hallway leading to the cafeteria, I stationed myself there for all the lunch periods. She had been at school this morning to put the photo in Jack’s locker. She had to be here now.
People noticed me sitting in the hallway. I had a book open, to pretend to be studying. But really I was studying them. All the patterns that you found incomprehensible. All the patterns that overwhelmed you. You thought they spelled the Truth. And I’d believed you, far longer than I should have.
Red shirt. Blue shirt. White shirt. Black shirt.
First lunch period came: nothing.
Blue shirt. White shirt. Black shirt. Black shirt. Blue shirt.
Second lunch period came: When I saw Jack, Katie, and Fiona, I looked down, hoped they didn’t see me. The only person who said hello was Charlie, and I figured Katie hadn’t told him anything.
Pink shirt. White shirt. Yellow and green stripes. Black shirt. Black shirt.
Third lunch period. I was hungry. This was my last chance, and I hadn’t seen her yet. Still, I had to eat. I went into the cafeteria and it was so strange—I’d always had second lunch, so it was like they had taken all the people I knew from the cafeteria and switched them with strangers. All the wrong faces were at all the right tables. I scanned around, acting like I was looking for a place to sit, but really looking for her.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I know she exists. Like I exist. Like Ariel exists somewhere.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I finished my lunch.
Nothing.
Put my tray away.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Went back into the hallway.
Looked at all the people leaving.
Nothing.
Nothing.
And then
21
There she was.
Every You, Every Me
Every You, Every Me
Every You, Every Me
It had to be her.
21A
She was walking alone. But there were too many people around. I couldn’t just stop her with all these people around.
I was sure it was her.
It had to be her.
I followed her away from the cafeteria. To her locker, in a corridor far from mine, far from Jack’s. She put down her backpack. She was spinning the combination.
I didn’t know what I was going to say. I walked right up to her. She turned to look at me.
It was her. It had to be her.
“It’s you,” I said.
“Excuse me?” she replied. She didn’t look exactly the same, but she looked the same enough. She was chewing gum. She didn’t seem to know me.
“You’re the one who’s been sending us the photos,” I said.
She looked at me like she didn’t know what I was talking about.
“I think you have the wrong girl,” she said. She opened her locker.
“Why are you doing it?” I asked.
She looked back at me, annoyed.
“Doing what?”
“The photos.”
“What photos?”
She doesn’t know.
She knows.
“Stop it,” I said. “I know who you are.”
It has to be her.
“Look, freak,” she said, getting mad now, “I have to go to class. I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else. Because I have no idea what you’re saying.”
It’s her, right?
“Ariel,” I said.
She shook her head. “I’m afraid I’m not Ariel. Sorry.”
She was taking a book from her locker. She was closing the locker. She was going to go. She was going to vanish again.
“No—stop,” I said.
It has to be her.
“Are you crazy?”
A girl in the cafeteria. “You must be crazy, too.”
I didn’t know what I was doing. But I felt I needed to do it.
I grabbed her backpack and started to run.
22
“Hey!” she yelled.
I ran.
“I don’t need your help!” you screamed.
I ran.
“You’re against me! Both of you—you’re against me.”
I passed Jack and Katie talking in the hall.
“I’ll kill myself. I swear, I’ll kill myself,” you threatened.
I was sure she was running after me.
“We’re not going to leave you alone,” I said.
She had to be running after me.
I am not the center of anything.
I imagined all the cameras taking pictures of me. Capturing me as I ran. Capturing me, but not catching me.
I imagined her behind the camera, smiling.
Out of the school.
Out into the air.
“That’s the question, isn’t it?” you said one night. “Does death bring freedom, or is it the end of freedom?”
Right into the woods.
Farther.
Farther.
Back to where it happened.
Back.
Back.
Hearing them behind me.
Running out of breath.
Knowing this had to be the place.
I followed you into the woods.
I followed you.
I would have followed you anywhere.
I thought that.
And then you went somewhere I couldn’t follow.
They followed me.
“Here,” you said.
“Take my picture,” you said.
“What are you doing, Evan?” Jack was yelling.
“It’s her,” I said, pointing to the girl. “Can’t you see it’s her?”
“I’m so sorry,” Katie was saying to her.
“I’m so sorry,” I cried to you. And the way you looked at me, I knew I was never going to see you again.
“He has my bag,” she said.
“Evan, give her back her bag,” Jack ordered.
“Evan, get help. I’ll stay here. You get help.”
“You need help,” Katie said.
I pulled at the zipper.
I opened the bag.
It has to be her.
I turned it upside down.
I turned all our lives over.
22A
Notebooks.
Mechanical pencils.
Film.
Assignments.
And there.
At the bottom.
Now at the top.
You.
22B
Every You, Every Me
22C
We froze.
For a second, we were all stilled by the sight of you.
Then I picked up the photo.
“You put that in there,” the girl said. She turned to Katie and Jack. “He put that in there.”
“I don’t know what to believe,” Jack said.
I looked at one of her assignments. Looked at the top.
“Dana,” I said. “Your name is Dana.”
“This is insane,” she said. “You can’t just steal my things. I’m going to get the principal.”
She turned to go.
Katie blocked her.
“Sorry,” Katie said, “but … I don’t think you’re going anywhere yet.”
Dana turned back to me. Made a decision. Stalked over and grabbed the photo out of my hand.
“You don’t deserve this,” she said. “None of you ever deserved her.”
Before I could say something else, she went on. “Didn’t you ever ask whose camera it was, Evan? Didn’t you ever wonder? You knew it wasn’t hers.”
“Let’s go into the woods and take some pictures,” you said. “I found this old camera.”
“What camera?” Jack asked. “What is she talking about?”
How is it that this can hurt me the most? The piece I never knew. The piece you never told me.
“She was there,” I explained. “She was watching.”
Why didn’t you ever say? Why didn’t you tell us?
“It was my camera,” she said. “And afterwards, when I wanted it back, her parents gave it to me.”
Your parents knew her.
“Who are you?” Jack asked.
“I’m her best friend,” she said. “Ariel’s best friend.”
“No,” I said.
Maybe relationships could have fractals, too. And maybe that sense of loss was when you’re becoming a fractal of what you once were to each other.
Best friend. Who set up that phrase? Who made it a competition?
Those nights. The ones when you weren’t with us. I guess you were with her.
“Yes. We hung out all the time. Took pictures together. She even flirted with my cousin when he came to visit. You know him—I think you’ve sent him emails. Alex?”
All this time. All this time.
“She didn’t—” Jack said.
“How do you know what she did or didn’t do? You didn’t even know I existed, did you?” She actually smiled at that. “Our little secret. I loved that.”
“Our little secret.” You used to tell me that all the time. Something we kept from your parents. Or something we kept from Jack. Or something we kept from the world.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jack said.
But she did. She had more than an idea. I could see that. It was there in her voice. That knowledge of you. That knowledge.
She turned on him with an echo of your indignation. “I know exactly what I’m talking about. Were you with her all the time, Jack? Did you know everything about her? I’m walking proof that you didn’t. But she’d tell me about you, Jack. Where you had your first kiss—did you like that part, Jack? Where you’d go. What you’d do. How you didn’t understand what she was going through. She told me because I did understand what she was going through. We would hang out, mostly at night. We’d just wander around, and she’d tell me all of her dark things and I’d tell her mine. She saw things neither of you could see. I guess that scared you. But it didn’t scare me. And in the end, I was the only one who didn’t betray her. You guys did that.”
And there it was.
Right there.
“You really have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jack said.
“I saw you do it. I saw you destroy her.”
“We saved her,” I said.
Dana looked at me like I was the biggest fool in the world.
“No,” she said. “You destroyed her. She wanted to die, and you didn’t let her.”
“How can you say that?” Katie asked. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Take my picture,” you said.
So I lined up the old camera.
“Is there film in this?” I asked.
“This way, you’ll have me for posterity,” you said.
“She was supposed to go out with me. I’d given her my camera. Then I couldn’t do it, and she asked you guys. Or at least you, Evan. I ended up being free, so when the time came, I followed you. With my real camera. I thought she’d get a kick out of that—me taking pictures of her taking pictures. We did that all the time with each other. But she never got to take a picture that day, did she? You guys had other plans.”
“It wasn’t planned,” I said.
“Maybe not for you. For her, I think it was. It was a test. And you failed.”
“Shut up,” Jack said.
She shook her head. “Too late. You can’t shut either of us up, no matter how hard you try.”
“How could you have watched?” I asked. “How could you have just stood there and watched?”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I wasn’t sure there was any film.
“Evan, I can’t take it right now. I just can’t take it.”