I only tuned back in when the lock on the front door turned before I had a chance to ring the bell. Lily’s aunt took one look and said a simple, “Oh my.” Suddenly the torrent of apologies was directed at her; had I not been holding Lily up, I might have chosen this as my simple, “Oh my.” Suddenly the torrent of apologies was directed at her; had I not been holding Lily up, I might have chosen this as my opportunity to leave.
“follow me,” the old woman said. She led us to a bedroom at the back of her house and helped me sit Lily down on the bed. For her part, Lily was near tears now.
“This wasn’t what was supposed to happen,” she told me. “It wasn’t.”
“It’s okay,” I told her again. “It’s all okay.”
“Lily,” her aunt said, “you should still have pajamas in the second drawer. I’m going to walk Dash out while you change. I’ll also call your grandfather and let him know you’re safe with me, no harm done. We’ll concoct your alibi in the morning, when you’re much more likely to remember it.”
I made the mistake of turning back to look at her one last time before I left the room. It was heartbreaking, really—she just sat there, stunned. She looked like she was waking up in a strange place—only she knew she hadn’t gone to sleep yet, and that this was actually life.
“Really,” I said. “It’s okay.”
I took the red notebook out of my pocket and left it on the dresser.
“I don’t deserve it!” she protested.
“Of course you do,” I told her gently. “None of the words would have existed without you.” Lily’s aunt, watching from the hall, motioned me out of the room. When we were a safe distance away, she said, “Well, this is quite uncharacteristic.”
“The whole thing was silly,” I said. “Please tell her there’s no need to apologize. We set ourselves up for this. I was never going to be the guy in her head. And she was never going to be the girl in mine. And that’s okay. Seriously.”
“Why don’t you tell her that yourself?”
“Because I don’t want to,” I said. “Not because of the way she is now—I know that’s not what she’s like. There was no way it was going to be as easy as the notebook. I get that now.”
I got to the door.
“It was a pleasure to meet you,” I said. “Thank you for the tea you never served me.”
“The pleasure was mine,” the old woman replied. “Come back again soon.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I think we both knew I wouldn’t.
Back on the street, I wanted to talk to someone. But who? It’s moments like this, when you need someone the most, that your world seems smallest. Boomer would never in a million years understand what I was going through. Yohnny and Dov might, but they were in such couple mode that I doubted they could see the forest because they’d be too busy pairing up the trees. Priya would just stare at me strangely, even over the phone. And Sofia didn’t have a phone. Not anymore. Not in America.
Either of my parents?
That was a laughable idea.
I started to walk home. The phone rang.
I looked at the screen:
Thibaud.
Despite my deeper reservations, I picked up.
“Dash!” he cried. “Where are you guys?”
“I took Lily home, Thibaud.”
“Is she okay?”
“I’m sure she would appreciate your concern.”
“I just looked up and you guys were gone.”
“I don’t even know how to begin to address that point.”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed. “I mean—that is to say, what I really don’t understand is how you get away with being such a lout.”
“That’s not fair, Dash.” Thibaud actually sounded hurt. “I totally care. That’s why I called. Because I care.”
“But, you see, that’s the luxury of being a lout—you get to be selective about when you care and when you don’t. The rest of us get stuck when your care goes shallow.”
“Dude, you think too much.”
“Dude, you know what? You’re right. And you don’t think enough. Which makes you the perennial screwer and me the perennial screwee.”
“So she’s upset?”
“Really, does it mat er to you?”
“Yes! She’s grown up a lot, Dash. I thought she was cool. At least until she passed out. You can’t really try to get with a girl once she passes out. Or even when she’s coming close.”
“That’s mighty chivalrous of you.”
“God, you’re pissed! Were the two of you dating or something? She didn’t mention you once. If I’d known, I promise I wouldn’t have been flirting with her.”
“Again, chivalry. You’re almost up to a knighthood.”
“Again, chivalry. You’re almost up to a knighthood.”
Another sigh. “Look, I just wanted to make sure she was okay. That’s it. Just tell her I’ll catch her later, right? And that I hope she doesn’t feel too bad in the morning. Tell her to drink lots of water.”
“You’re going to have to tell her yourself, Thibaud,” I said.
“She didn’t answer.”
“Well, I’m not there now. I’m gone, Thibaud. I’ve left.”