I head back through the kitchen, to the locker area, just to catch my breath. Saturdays usually fly by because this place gets so busy, but I have a feeling that tonight is going to seem a lot like forever. I have been dreading seeing Mason again after sending him that recording, but I didn’t think I would feel so lost for words around him. To say I’m uncomfortable in his presence would be an understatement, and I’d like to blame Claire for it all, but honestly, I think the anxiety I’m feeling around him is just as much my fault as it is hers.
It was so easy when he was this memory from my past—a story I pulled out of the air when I was out with the girls, reminiscing about the douchebags from our past. He’s always been part of my pity party—the girl who was rejected publicly by her high school crush, and then knocked up and abandoned by her husband. My sad story always won the bet, especially when I got into the details. Imagine how sad it would be if I let myself fall for Mason again.
Funny how I can’t stop imagining.
I shut my eyes and lie back on the bench for a few minutes, taking deep breaths to ease the anxiety I can feel gripping at my lungs. Once my head feels clear, I sit up and adjust the knot of hair atop my head. I can’t hide in here all night, and at least I’ve broken the seal of silence between Mason and me—and I feel like I won the first round. He’s weak. And I’m stronger.
Yes. I’m stronger.
Mason
I hear words. That’s all I hear—words, words, words. My mother has been talking for a good fifteen minutes, but I haven’t heard a single thing she’s said other than, “…how could my own son come home, and not even call to let me know!”
She caught me by surprise. I was all mixed up, sitting next to Max, having him want to talk to me—like I was his friend. And then Avery came over, and for some reason my throat closed up, and I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to her. Hell, I couldn’t even look at her! And she seemed perfectly content with me not looking her direction.
And the second Avery left, my mother was standing in the spot she’d just abandoned. Max didn’t even flinch when my mother started berating me with a string of choice words. In fact, Max just kept right on teaching—sliding his fingers around and building a song on the digital timeline. I envy that kid and his ability to focus—or maybe it’s his ability to tune out.
That’s exactly what I’m doing to my mom right now, only instead of an iPad, I’m obsessed with figuring out Avery. She didn’t seem angry when she saw me tonight, and she even left me alone with Max—something that two days ago she would have died before she let happen.
Talking to Claire earlier dug up a lot of old memories, and a lot of shit that I’m not proud of. Looking back, yeah…I knew Avery liked me. I never thought it was anything serious, but that’s only because it wasn’t serious to me. It was this funny joke that I had, and I’d roll my eyes to my friends about how I liked going over to Ray’s, but that his daughter always followed me around like a puppy. I didn’t think I was ever mean about it. Honestly, I was always actually kind of jealous how easy school and shit was for her. But I also never wanted anyone to get the wrong idea about the amount of time I spent at Ray’s house, never wanted anyone thinking Avery was my girlfriend.
Then one day, out of nowhere, she stopped hanging around, and I always wondered what I did wrong. It didn’t keep me up at night or anything like that, but sometimes, when I’d see her with her friends at school, I’d think about it—she’d always look away, completely uninterested in me. Guess that great mystery is solved now.
“Honey, are you listening to me?” my mom’s teary words snap me back to the present. She’s crying, but it’s that fake cry she does when she wants to get attention. I hate it. It used to work on me when I was a kid, but by the time I was in junior high, I could see right through it.
“Yeah, ma. I’m listening,” I say, leaning forward and rubbing my face. “Look, I didn’t know how long I would be here. It happened suddenly, and you were talking about letting go of the lease, remember? I didn’t want it to be a big deal.”
“But you’re my baby, Mason. You’re always a big deal.” If I had a dime for every time my mom said that to me. I know she loves me, and I know that if I really needed something from her, she’d do her damnedest to come through. But I also know she’s not the first, or even the second, person I’d turn to.
“I know, Ma. I know. And I love you. But I just wanted to figure things out. Besides, it’s a music business thing, and you know I’ve always gone to Ray for help with that,” I say, hoping that’ll be enough to let my mom off the hook.