“I’m going to work on some homework downstairs and wait for Grandpa,” I say, pausing for Max to respond, but he only shuts his eyes, squeezing them tightly, readying himself for me to shut the lights off. He’ll pretend to sleep for a while, and eventually he’ll fall into it for real.
I spread my notecards out across the kitchen table, and add a few more to my mix. I have one final paper to complete, and I have a lot of time, but I need to keep myself busy until my eyes grow tired. I slide the cards around the table a few times before giving up, and pulling them back together with my rubber band and deciding to focus on reading. I’m only slightly more productive doing this, making my way through one entire page in the hour it takes before my father finally comes through the door.
“Hey, you wait up for your old man?” he smiles, clearing out his pockets, and piling his usual work stuff on the counter.
“I did. Barb sent me home with leftovers. You want some? It’s really good,” I say, going to the fridge and pulling out the bag.
“That would be great. Thanks,” my dad says, slipping his shoes from his feet and falling into his chair, rubbing his hand over his eyes. “I’m beat today.”
“Well, Barb’s carbs should put you right to sleep then,” I joke, and my dad nods in agreement.
I heat his food up and put it on a plate for him, sliding it over and getting us both a glass of milk. I used to love waiting up to watch my father eat dinner. My mom would always have leftovers ready for him, and she’d let me sit up extra late on the weekends so I could keep him company. I was always closest with my dad, and I think it’s because of our late night talks, which grew more and more complicated the older I got.
“So, Mason’s leaving tomorrow,” I say, starting our most difficult talk yet.
“He is,” my dad says, chewing, but keeping his eyes on me, waiting to dissect my reaction. I don’t have one though—I almost feel emotionless. “You okay with this?”
“I am,” I say, my stomach fluttering with my own doubt. “It’s better this way. I have to focus on school and Max.”
“Hmmm,” my dad says, sitting back and wiping at the corners of his mouth with his napkin. He folds his arms and sucks in his top lip—that’s his tell, and I know he doesn’t believe me. “You know, it’s okay to mess up baby girl.”
I’m not sure what he means, and my natural instinct is to be defensive. I hold my breath and bunch my brow. I’m unsure what to say, so I just shake my head, and my dad chuckles softly.
“I’m not talking about Mason. I’m talking about you. You have yourself locked into this pattern—and if everything doesn’t fall into place every second of every day exactly how you have your blueprint set—you take it out on yourself,” he says, pausing to let me catch up. I nod to let him know I’m listening.
“I have to,” I say, my eyes tearing up from the pressure building in my chest. I don’t do failure well, and even talking about missteps fills me with anxiety.
“Bullshit,” my dad says, slapping his hand on the table, causing me to jump. “Life is full of things that don’t go according to plan, Avery. And Max needs to learn how to make adjustments for those things. I’m sorry, but you not letting the spontaneous things in life happen isn’t good for Max. And baby girl, it’s going to kill you!”
“But what if he hurts himself? What if someone hurts him when he’s angry or frustrated? What if I can’t be there to calm him down?” I’m crying hard tears now, my body shaking; my dad reaches across the table, clutching my hands in his, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“That’s life, Avery. And you can’t always be there. That’s why he needs to learn about life’s peaks and valleys now, while you’re here to guide him,” my dad says, shaking my hands against the table, literally trying to shake reason into my body. “You love Mason, and Avery, he’s a good man. He’s real, and he’s going to drop the ball sometimes, and he might make you have to make some hard choices, make some changes in your life. But don’t give up on your own happiness just because you’re afraid it’s too damn hard to have. Because Ave, you only get to have right now once in your life—there are no re-dos, there is no going back and doing right now again. You get this once, and you can take a chance on it, or live regretting you didn’t. I can tell you what, though…the Avery that takes a chance on her own happiness is going to be a hell of a lot stronger for Max than the one that gives up.”