“And…numbers two, three and four?” I questioned, meekly, sort of figuring it out by the timing.
“I said I wasn’t proud,” Reed said, looking at me again and then looking away. “Morgan was my second… you know? The lifeguard that worked with us this summer?”
I gulped at his words, willing myself to be a big girl about this. He’s with me now, he’s with me now. The words played over and over in my head, reminding me.
“Well, Morgan had a friend named Mandy. We were at a party one night and I sort of found myself with her,” he said quietly, scrunching his face a bit in shame. “That’s sort of when Morgan told me to kiss her ass.”
“Good for Morgan,” I shot back, then slapped my hand to my mouth again. Still talking out loud. “Sorry,” I bowed my eyes and grinned for forgiveness. He just squeezed me tighter.
I was curious who the last one was. He was looking out the window for quite some time, not wanting to admit anything to me. I couldn’t take the waiting. “I have to know,” I held his arm, willing him to say it.
“Calley,” he said, and my mouth tasted like bile. Sarah’s sister? This was a sucker punch!
My reflexes had me turning a little away from him, fighting to process his honesty against my desire to be angry at the new information. I was so sure he was going to say Stephanie or some other cheerleader, not the friend of his ex-girlfriend and one of my best friend’s sister.
But Reed wasn’t letting me drift away from him. He held my gaze, willing me to look at him. He wanted to make it ok, and he wasn’t going to let me go without making it so. He moved his hand to my face and forced my gaze to his, revealing the puffy eyes I was fighting against to keep the tears inside.
I raised my sleeve and wiped my eyes a little. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cry, that one just… surprised me,” I admitted. “I just thought Calley knew how I felt about you.”
I shrugged a little and tried to look away, but Reed pulled my face back to look at his. “Don’t do that, don’t run away from me,” he said, sternly. “And don’t blame Calley. She was at the desert party the night you picked me up. She was drunk. I was…drunk.”
Yes, that I remember. Reed was at his worst that night. The first night he told me he loved me.
“I was running my mouth off to her in the back of her car, telling her how you were with this dickhead and I f**ked everything up and she was consoling me and then we both did a bunch of shots of what-the-fuck-I-don’t-know,” Reed was revealing how that night unfolded. I guess I never really thought about the part before I got there.
“It sort of happened somewhere after that. And that’s when I started texting you because I just wanted to erase it, knew I was f**king everything up…even more than I had already, if that was even possible.”
“Calley started crying telling me to never tell anyone and to pretend it didn’t happen. Noles, she never wanted to hurt you either. You have to know, she was so drunk. She got sick after that, passed out in her back seat and shit.”
He just stopped at that, and held my stare, watching me process. I couldn’t tell him it was ok, because it stung like hell. But it was the past, before us. I didn’t like that it was Calley, but I didn’t really like that it was Tatum, or Morgan, or… Amanda? And I think what had me more upset than anything was that I was never going to be able to compete with that.
After several minutes, I snuggled into Reed, looking for relief. I felt his shoulders relax as he brought his warm arms around me and his hands rubbed my arms. “I’m never going to be what they were,” I confessed, revealing all of my insecurities. I saw each of those girls as women, whereas I was just some stupid girl. I suddenly had no idea what Reed was doing with me.
I was about to give in to my self doubt when I felt his breath near my ear, his lips light on my skin as he whispered. “Baby, you’re so much more,” he was soft, gentle. “You have no idea. You’re so beautiful, and I love you, and if you ever want to be with me, I’ll be the luckiest dude on earth… but not unless you want to share that with me,” he kissed my neck and then buried his face in it, breathing me in.
Somehow he was erasing the hurt. I didn’t know how he had that power, but he did. It still upset me to think about Calley, but here in the moonlight with Reed, it was easier to accept. And I would learn to.
I decided to keep Reed and Calley to myself, knowing that it would cause a rift between Sarah and her sister. And I knew deep down that Calley didn’t want to hurt me. It took me a little while to bury the sting, but it hurt less and less each time I was with Reed.