Those all just became my new favorite words, too. Believe and me and when and I and tell and you and Im and ready.
Favorites. All of them.
He pulls back and can more than likely tell Im not breathing at the moment. He steps back to his spot opposite from me. Hes shaking his head like he cant believe what just happened. I cant believe I just asked you for sex. What kind of guy does that?
I swallow. Pretty much all of them.
He laughs, but I can tell he feels guilty. Maybe hes afraid I cant handle this. He might be right, but Im not about to let him know that. If he thinks I cant handle this, hell retract everything hes saying. If he retracts everything hes saying, that means I dont get to experience another kiss like the one he gave me earlier.
Id agree to anything if it means I get to be kissed by him again. Especially if it means I get to experience more than just his kiss.
Simply thinking about it makes my throat dry. I pick up my glass and take another slow sip of my juice while I silently work this out in my head.
He wants me for sex.
I kind of miss sex. Its been a while.
I know Im definitely attracted to him and cant think of anyone else in my life Id rather have casual, meaningless sex with than my airline pilot, laundry-folding neighbor.
I set the cup of juice back down, then press my palms into the counter and lean slightly forward. Listen to me, Miles. Youre single. Im single. You work way too much, and Im focused on my career in an almost unhealthy way. Even if we wanted a relationship out of this, it would never work. Our lives wouldnt fit one. We also arent really friends, so we dont have to worry about our friendship being ruined. You want to have sex with me? Ill totally let you. A lot.
Hes watching my mouth like all my words just became his new favorite words. A lot? he asks.
I nod. Yes. A lot.
He looks me in the eyes with a challenging stare. Okay, he says, almost like its a dare.
Okay.
Were still several feet apart. I just told this guy I would have sex with him without any expectations, and hes still way over there, and Im way over here, and its becoming clear that I definitely had him pegged wrong. Hes more nervous than I am. Although I think our nerves stem from two different places. Hes nervous because he doesnt want this to turn into anything.
Im nervous because Im not so sure that just sex with him is possible. Based on the way Im drawn to him, I have a pretty good feeling sex will be the least of our problems. Yet here I sit, pretending to be fine with just sex. Maybe if it starts out this way, itll eventually end up being something more.
Well, we cant have sex right now, he says.
Dammit.
Why not?
The only condom I have in my wallet has probably disintegrated by now.
I laugh. I love his self-deprecating humor.
I do want to kiss you again, though, he says with a hopeful smile.
Im actually surprised he isnt kissing me. Sure.
He slowly walks back to where Im seated, until my knees are on either side of his waist. Im watching his eyes, because theyre looking at me like hes waiting for me to change my mind. Im not changing my mind. I probably want this more than he wants this.
He brings his hands up and slides them through my hair, brushing his thumbs across my cheeks. He inhales a shaky breath while looking down at my mouth. You make it so hard to breathe.
He punctuates his sentence with his kiss, bringing his lips over mine. Every remaining part of me that had yet to melt in his presence is now liquefied like the rest of me. I try to recall a time when a mans mouth felt this good against mine. His tongue slides across my lips, then dips inside, tasting me, filling me, claiming me.
Oh … my.
I.
Love.
His.
Mouth.
I tilt my head so I can taste more of it. He tilts his to taste more of mine. His tongue has a great memory, because it knows exactly how to do this. He drops his injured hand and rests it on my thigh, while his other hand grips the back of my head, crushing our lips together. My hands no longer have hold of his shirt. Theyre exploring his arms, his neck, his back, his hair.
I moan softly, and the sound causes him to press into me, pulling me several inches closer to the edge of the bar.
Well, youre definitely not gay, someone says from behind us.
Oh, my God.
Dad.
Dad!
Shit.
Miles. Pulling away.
Me. Jumping off the bar.
Dad. Walking past us.
He opens the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of water, like he walks in on his daughter being felt up by his houseguest every single night. He turns around and faces us, then takes a long drink. When hes finished, he puts the lid back on the bottle of water and puts it back in the fridge. He closes the refrigerator and walks toward us, passing between us, putting even more space there.
Go to bed, Tate, he says as he exits the kitchen.
I cover my mouth with my hand. Miles covers his face with his. Were both completely mortified. He more so than I, Im sure.
We should go to sleep, he says.
I agree with him.
We walk out of the kitchen without touching. We reach my bedroom door first, so I pause and turn around and face him. He pauses, too.
He looks to his left, then briefly to his right, to make sure were alone in the hallway. He takes a step forward and steals another kiss. My back meets my bedroom door, but hes somehow able to pull his mouth away.
You sure this is okay? he asks, searching my eyes for doubt.
I dont know if this is okay. It feels good, and he tastes good, and I cant think of anything I want more than being with him. However, the reasons behind his six years of abstinence are what Im concerned about.
You worry too much, I say with a forced smile. Would it help if we had rules?
He studies me quietly before taking a step back. It might, he says. I can only think of two right now.
What are they?
His eyes focus on mine for several seconds. Dont ask about my past, he says firmly. And never expect a future.
I absolutely dont like either of those rules. They both make me want to change my mind about this arrangement and turn and run away, but instead, Im nodding. Im nodding because Ill take what I can get. Im not Tate when Im near Miles. Im liquid, and liquid doesnt know how to be firm or stand up for itself. Liquid flows. Thats all I want to do with Miles.
Flow.
Well, I only have one rule, I say quietly. He waits for my rule. I cant think of a rule. I dont have any rules. Why dont I have rules? Hes still waiting. I dont know what it is yet. But when I think of it, you have to follow it.
Miles laughs. He leans forward and kisses me on the forehead, then walks toward his room. He opens the door but glances back at me for a brief second before disappearing into the room.
Im not positive, but Im pretty sure the expression I just saw on his face was fear. I just wish I knew what he was scared of, because Lord knows I know exactly what Im afraid of.
Im afraid of how this is going to end.
Chapter ten
MILES
Six years earlier
Ian knows.
I had to tell him. After the first week of school, he knew
everything became Rachel.
Rachel knows Ian knows. Rachel knows he wont say
anything.
I give Rachel my room when she moves in, and I take the
spare bedroom. My room is the only spare bedroom with its
own bathroom. I want Rachel to have the better room.
Do you want this box in here? Ian asks Rachel. Rachel asks
what it is, and he tells her its all her bras and underwear. I
thought maybe I should just go ahead and put it in Miless
room.
Rachel rolls her eyes at Ian. Hush, she tells him. He laughs.
He likes that hes in on such a private thing. Thats why he
would never tell. He knows the power of secrets.
Ian leaves after all the boxes are unloaded. My father passes
me in the hallway and pauses. His pause means I should
pause, too.
Thank you, Miles.
He thinks Im okay with this. With the fact that hes allowing
another woman to push out the last reminders of my mother.
Im not okay with it.
Im just pretending to be okay with it, because none of it
matters. Rachel matters.
Not him.
No problem, I say.
He begins walking, then pauses again. He tells me he
appreciates that Im being nice to Rachel. He says he wishes he
and Mom could have given me a sibling when I was younger.
He says I make a good brother.
Words are awful when they come out of his mouth.
I walk back to Rachels room. I close the door.
Its just the two of us.
We smile.
I walk to her and wrap my arms around her, then I kiss her
neck. Its been three weeks since the first night I kissed her.
I can count the times Ive kissed her since then. We cant
interact like this at school. We cant interact like this in public.
We cant interact like this in front of our parents. I can only
touch her when were alone, and we havent been able to be
alone much in the last three weeks.
Now?
Now I kiss her.
We need a few guidelines so we dont get ourselves in
trouble, she says. She separates herself from me. She sits at my
desk, and I sit on my bed.
Well … she sits at her desk, and I sit on her bed.
First, she says, no making out when theyre home. Its too
risky.
I dont want to agree to that rule, but Im nodding my head.
Second, no sex.
Im not nodding anymore.
Ever? I ask her.
Shes nodding. Oh, I really hate that nod.
Why?
She sighs heavily. Sex will make it that much harder when our
time is up. You know that.
Shes right. Shes also completely wrong, but I have a feeling
shell figure that out later.
Can I ask what rule number three is before I agree to rule
number two?
She grins. There is no rule number three.
I grin. So sex is the only thing off limits? And were talking
penetration, right? Not oral?
She covers her face with her hands. Oh, my God, do you have
to get so specific?
Shes cute when shes embarrassed. Just clarifying. I have a
lifetime of things I want to do to you and only six months left
to do them all.
Lets leave the specifics up to the situation, she says.
Fair enough, I say, admiring the blush in her cheeks.
Rachel? Are you a virgin?
Her cheeks grow even redder. She shakes her head and tells
me no. She asks if that bothers me.
Not at all, I say, being honest.
She asks if Im a virgin, but her voice is timid when she asks it.
No, I say. But now that Ive met you, I kind of wish I was.
She likes that I said this to her.
I stand up and prepare to head to my new bedroom to begin
rearranging. Before I walk out, I lock her bedroom door from
the inside, and then I turn around and smile at her.
I slowly walk to her.
I take her by the hands and pull her up. I wrap my arm around
her lower back and pull her against me.
I kiss her.
Chapter eleven
TATE
I have to pee.
Corbin groans. Again?
I havent been in two hours, I say defensively.
I really dont have to use the bathroom, but I do need to get out of this car. After the conversation I had with Miles last night, the car feels different with him in it. It feels like theres more of him, and every minute that passes and hes not talking, Im wondering whats going through his head. Im wondering if he regrets our conversation. Im wondering if hes going to pretend it never happened.
I wish my dad would have pretended it never happened. Before we left this morning, I was seated at the kitchen table with him when Miles walked in.