Ugly Love - Page 23/38

This felt like an end. I’m not sure I was ready for this to be the end. I’m not sure I was ready for there ever to be an end, and I hate myself for allowing my feelings to get to that point.

I’m also angry because here I am, standing in his apartment, looking for my pants, trying to stop my ridiculous tears, still feeling the remnants of him sliding down my leg, and I have no fucking clue why he had to ruin it.

Ruin me.

I finish getting dressed, and I leave.

Chapter twenty

MILES

Six years earlier

“You’re getting an outie,” I tell her. I run my fingers over her

bare stomach, and I kiss it. “It’s cute.”

I press my ear to her skin and close my eyes. “I bet he’s lonely

in there,” I say. “Are you lonely in there, buddy?”

Rachel laughs. “You keep calling him a boy. What if he’s a girl?”

I tell Rachel whatever he is, I’ll love him the same. I already

love him.

Or her.

Our parents are out of town. We’re playing house again, except

this time, we aren’t really playing. It’s kind of serious.

“So what happens if he really does propose to her this time?”

she asks.

I tell her not to worry. I tell her he’s not proposing. He would

ask me first before he did it. I know that much about him.

“We have to tell them,” I say to her.

She nods. She knows we have to tell them. It’s been three

months. We graduate in two. She’s starting to show.

She’s getting an outie. It’s cute.

“We should tell them tomorrow,” I say.

She says okay.

I move away from her stomach and lie beside her. I pull her

against me. I touch her face.

“I love you, Rachel,” I tell her.

She’s not as scared now. She tells me she loves me, too.

“You’re doing a good job,” I say. She doesn’t know what I’m

talking about, so I grin and touch her stomach. “You’re doing a

good job growing him. I’m pretty sure you’re gonna grow the

best baby any woman has ever grown.”

She laughs at my silliness.

You love me so much, Rachel.

I look at her—at the girl I gave my heart to—and I wonder

how I got so lucky.

I wonder why she loves me just as much as I love her.

I wonder what my dad is going to say when he finds out about

us.

I wonder if Lisa will hate me. I wonder if she’ll want to take

Rachel back to Phoenix.

I wonder how I can convince them that we’ve got this.

“What are we going to name him?” I ask her.

She’s excited when I ask her this. She likes talking about names.

She says if it’s a girl, she wants to name her Claire. After her

grandmother.

I tell her I wish I knew her grandmother. I want to know the

woman my daughter will be named after. She tells me her

grandmother would have loved me. I tell her I love the name

Claire.

“What if he’s a boy?” I ask.

“You can pick the boy name,” she says.

I tell her that’s a lot of pressure. I tell her he’ll have to live with

his name the rest of his life. She says, “Then you’d better pick

a good one.”

I’d better pick a good one.

“One that means something to you,” she says.

One that means something to me.

I tell her I have the perfect name for him.

She wants to know what it is. I tell her I’m not telling her. I’ll

tell her his name after it becomes his name.

After he’s born.

She tells me I’m insane. She says she refuses to give birth to

our baby until she knows his name.

I laugh. I tell her she has no choice.

She tells me I’m crazy.

You love that about me, Rachel.

Chapter twenty-one

TATE

I worked all weekend, so I haven’t seen or spoken to Miles since Thursday night. I keep telling myself it’s for the best, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it with the way I’ve been letting it eat at me. Tonight is Monday, and it’s the first of three days when Corbin won’t be home and Miles will be. I know he knows Corbin is gone, but based on the way he left things Thursday, I doubt he cares much. I half expected that he would eventually explain if I did something wrong or at least tell me what upset him so much, but the last I got from him was the slam of his bedroom door after he walked away.

I can see why he hasn’t been in a relationship for six years. He’s obviously clueless when it comes to how a guy should treat a girl, which surprises me, because I get these vibes from him that he’s really a decent guy. However, his actions during and after sex seem to contradict his character. It’s as if pieces of the guy he used to be bleed over into the guy he’s trying to be.

If any other man ever treated me like he did, it would be the one and only time. I don’t put up with the things I’ve seen a lot of my friends put up with. However, I find myself continuing to make excuses for him, like something could actually justify his actions last week.

I’m beginning to fear that maybe I’m not so tough after all.

That fear is immediately confirmed with the skip of my heart as soon as I step off the elevator. There’s a note taped to my apartment door, so I rush to it and pull it down. It’s just a folded piece of paper without anything written on the outside of it. I open it: I need to run an errand. I’ll stop by at seven if you want to come with me. I read the note several times. It’s obviously from him, and it’s obviously for me, but the note reads so incredibly casual that for a second, I begin to doubt that Thursday even happened.

He was there, though. He knows how that night ended between us. He knows I must be upset or angry, but nothing in his note reveals that at all.

I unlock my door and walk inside before I can work myself up to the point of beating on his door to scream at him.

I drop my things once I’m inside my apartment and read the note one more time, dissecting everything from his handwriting down to his selection of words. I wad it up in my hands and throw it toward the kitchen, completely pissed off.

I’m pissed because I already know I’ll be going with him.

I don’t know how not to.

There’s a soft knock on the door at exactly seven o’clock. His punctuality pisses me off, and there’s no reason for it. I have nothing against punctuality. I have a feeling every single thing Miles does tonight is going to piss me off.

I walk to the front door and open it.

He’s standing in the hallway, several feet away. He’s probably closer to his door than to mine, actually. He’s looking down at his feet when I open the door, but he eventually lifts his eyes to meet mine. His hands are tucked away in his jacket pockets again, and he doesn’t lift his head all the way up. I take this as a sign of submission from him, even though it’s more than likely not.

“Want to come?”

His voice invades me. Weakens me. Turns me into liquid again. I nod as I step out into the hall and close the door behind me. I lock it and turn around to face him. He nods his head toward the elevators, silently telling me he’ll follow behind me. I try to read the expression in his eyes, but I should know better.

I walk toward the elevator and press the down button.

He stands next to me, but neither of us speaks. It takes the elevator what seems like years to get to us. When it finally opens, we both breathe a quiet sigh of relief, but as soon as we’re inside and the doors close, neither of us can breathe again.

I can feel him watching me, but I don’t look at him.

I can’t.

I feel stupid. I feel like I want to cry again. Now that I’m here and I have no idea where we’re going, I feel like a fool for allowing him to even get me this far.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is weak, but it’s also surprisingly sincere.

I don’t look at him. I don’t even respond.

He takes three steps across the elevator, and then he reaches down beside me and presses the emergency stop button. His finger lingers on the button as he watches me, but I keep my eyes down. My face is level with his chest, but my jaw is tense, and I won’t look up at him.

I won’t.

“Tate, I’m sorry,” he repeats. He’s still not touching me, but he’s invading again. He’s standing so close to me I can feel his breath and him and how much he really is sorry, but I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be forgiving him for. He never promised anything other than sex, and that’s exactly what he gave me.

Sex.

Nothing less and definitely nothing more.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “You didn’t deserve that.”

This time, he touches my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his. The feel of his fingers on my face causes my jaw to grow even more tense. I’m doing everything I can to keep up my armor, because I’m finding it hard to fight back my tears.

The same thing I saw in his eyes when he kissed me at his door Thursday night is back. Something unspoken that he wishes he could say, but the only words that come out of his mouth are his apologies.

He winces as though he’s experiencing actual physical pain, and he presses his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry.”

He presses his palms against the elevator wall and leans into me until our chests are touching. My arms are at my sides, and my eyes are closed, and as much as I feel like crying right now, I refuse to do it in front of him. I’m still not sure what he’s apologizing for specifically, but it doesn’t matter, because it sounds like he’s apologizing for everything. For starting something with me that we knew wouldn’t end well. For not being able to open up about his past. For not being able to open up about his future. For ruining me when he walked into his bedroom and slammed his door.

One of his hands wraps around the side of my head, and he pulls me against him. His other hand drops to my back, and he squeezes me, pressing his cheek against the top of my head. “I don’t know what this is, Tate,” he confesses. “But I swear, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

The apology in his voice is enough to make my arms want to hold him. I bring them up and grab the sleeves of his shirt, then press my face into his chest. We stand like this for several minutes, both of us completely lost. Completely new to this.

Completely confused.

He eventually releases me and hits the button to take us to the ground floor. I still haven’t spoken, because I’m not even sure what words to use in this situation. When the elevator doors open, he takes my hand in his and holds it all the way to his car. He opens my door and waits for me to climb inside, then closes it and walks around to his side.

I’ve never been inside his car before.

I’m surprised by the simplicity of it. I know Corbin makes a decent amount of money and usually likes to spend it on nice things.

This car is understated, just like Miles.

He exits the parking garage, and we drive in silence for several miles. I’m tired of the quiet and tired of the curiosity, so the first thing I say to him since he ruined me is, “Where are we going?”

It’s as if my voice makes the awkwardness completely disintegrate, because he exhales like he’s relieved to hear it.

“To the airport,” he says. “Not for work, though. I go there sometimes to watch the planes take off.”

He reaches across the console and takes my hand in his. It’s comforting and scary all at once. His hands are warm, and it makes me want him to hold my entire body in them, but it scares me how much I want that.

It’s completely quiet again until we reach the airport. There are restricted-access signs, but he passes them like he knows exactly where he’s going. We finally pull into a parking lot overlooking the runway.

Several jets are lined up, waiting to take off. He points to the left, and I look, just as one of the planes begins to accelerate. His car fills with the sound of the engines as it zooms past us. We both watch it make its ascent, until the landing gear disappears and the plane is swallowed up by the night.

“You come here a lot?” I ask him while I continue to stare out my window.

He laughs, so naturally, I turn to face him.

“That sounded like a pickup line,” he says, smiling.

His smile makes me smile. His eyes drop to my mouth, and my smile makes his smile disappear.

“Yeah, I do,” he says as he looks out his window again to watch the next jet prepare for takeoff.