I nod. I already knew.
And that simple gesture, him calling my mother, just made me fall for him even harder.
Now hes kissing the top of my head, rubbing his hand up and down my arm reassuringly.
Thank you, Miles, I tell him.
He doesnt say youre welcome, because he doesnt think he did anything that deserves thanking.
Did you know them? I ask. The crew on board?
No. They were out of a different hub. The names didnt sound familiar.
My phone vibrates, so Miles hands it back to me. I look at it, and its a text from Corbin.
Corbin: In case youve heard about the plane, just want you to know Im fine. I called headquarters, and Miles is, too. Please let Mom know if she hears about it. Love you.
Receiving his text fills me with even more relief, now that I know with one hundred percent certainty that hes okay.
Its a text from Corbin, I tell Miles. He says youre okay. In case you were worried.
Miles laughs. So he checked up on me? he says with a grin. I knew he couldnt hate me forever.
I smile. I love that Corbin wanted me to know that Miles was okay.
Miles continues to hold me, and I savor every second of it.
When is he scheduled to come home?
Not for two more days, I say. How long have you been home?
About two minutes, he says. I had just plugged my phone in to charge when you called.
Im glad youre back.
He doesnt respond. He doesnt tell me hes glad to be back. Instead of saying something that might give me false hope, he just kisses me.
You know, he says, pulling me onto his lap, I hate the circumstances surrounding the reason you probably didnt have time to put on pants, but I love that you dont have on pants. His hands slide up my thighs, and he pulls me closer until were flush together. He kisses the tip of my nose, then kisses my chin.
Miles? I run my hands through his hair and down his neck, then pause with them on his shoulders. I was also scared it could have been you, I whisper. Thats why Im glad youre back.
His eyes grow soft, and the worry lines between them disappear. I may not know anything about his past or his life, but I definitely notice that he hasnt called anyone to let them know hes okay. That makes me sad for him.
His eyes fall away from mine and land on my chest. He fingers the bottom edges of my shirt, then slowly pulls it over my head. I have nothing but a pair of panties on now.
He leans forward, wraps his arms around my back, and pulls me against his mouth. His lips close softly over my nipple, and my eyes shut involuntarily. Chills erupt over my skin as his hands begin to explore every bare part of my back and my thighs. His mouth works its way to my other breast, just as his hands slip inside my panties at my hips.
I think I have to rip these off you, because I sure dont want you to move off my lap, he says.
I smile. Fine with me. I have more where these came from.
I can feel him grin against my skin as his hands pull at the elastic band of my underwear. He pulls on one side but fails to tear them. He tries ripping the other side to pull them off me, but nothing gives.
Youre giving me a wedgie, I say, laughing.
He lets out a frustrated sigh. Its always so much sexier when they do this on TV.
I readjust myself and sit up straighter. Try it again, I encourage. You can do it, Miles.
He grabs the left side of my panties and yanks them hard.
Ouch! I yell, scooting in the direction of his pull to lessen the pain of the elastic digging into my right side.
He laughs again and drops his face to my neck. Sorry, he says. Got any scissors?
I cringe at the thought of him coming at me with a pair of scissors. I scoot off of him and stand up, then pull my underwear down, kicking them off and away from me.
Watching you do that was totally worth my failed attempt at being sexy, he says.
I smile. Your failed attempt at being sexy actually made you sexy.
My comment makes him laugh again. I walk toward him and climb back onto his lap. He repositions me so that Im straddling him again. My failures are a turn-on for you? he asks teasingly.
Oh, yeah, I murmur. So hot.
His hands are on me again, roaming across my back and down my arms. You would have loved me from the ages of thirteen to sixteen, he says. I failed at pretty much everything. Especially football.
I grin. Now were talking. Tell me more.
Baseball, he says, right before he presses his mouth to my neck. He kisses his way up to my ear. And one semester of world geography.
Holy shit. I moan. Now, thats hot.
He moves his lips to my mouth and pulls me in for a soft kiss. He barely touches his mouth to mine. I failed at kissing, too. Terribly. I almost choked a girl with my tongue once.
I laugh.
Want me to show you?
As soon as I nod, hes repositioning us on the couch until Im lying on my back and hes on top of me. Open your mouth.
I open it. He drops his mouth to mine and shoves his tongue inside, giving me what is quite possibly the worst kiss Ive ever experienced. I push against his chest, attempting to get his tongue out of my mouth, but he doesnt budge. I turn my face to the left, and he begins licking my cheek, causing me to laugh even harder.
Oh, my God, that was terrible, Miles!
He pulls his mouth away and lowers himself on top of me. I got better.
I nod. Thats a fact, I say, agreeing wholeheartedly.
Were both smiling. The relaxed look on his face fills me with so many emotions I cant even begin to classify them. Im happy, because were having fun together. Im sad, because were having fun together. Im angry, because were having fun together and it makes me want so much more of this. So much more of him.
We quietly stare at each other, until he slowly dips his head, pressing a long kiss against my lips. He begins placing soft kisses all over my mouth until the kisses become longer and more intense. His tongue eventually parts my lips, and the playfulness disappears.
Its quite serious now, as our kisses grow more hurried and his clothes begin to join mine on the floor, piece by piece.
The couch or your bed? he whispers.
Both, I reply.
He obliges.
I fell asleep in my bed.
Next to Miles.
Neither of us has ever fallen asleep afterward before. One of us always leaves. As much as Im trying to convince myself that it means nothing, I know it does. Every time were together, I get a little bit more of him. Whether its a glimpse of his past or time spent without the sex or even time spent sleeping, hes giving me more and more of himself, little by little. I feel like this is both good and bad. Its good, because I want and need so much more of him, so every little bit I get is enough to satisfy me when I begin worrying about everything I dont get from him. But its also bad, because every time I get a little bit more of him, another part of him grows more distant. I can see it in his eyes. Hes worried hes giving me hope, and Im afraid hell eventually just pull away completely.
Everything with Miles will come crashing down.
Its inevitable. Hes so adamant about the things he doesnt want out of life, and Im starting to understand just how serious he is. So as much as I try to protect my heart from him, its pointless. Hes going to break it eventually, yet I continue to allow him to fill it. Every time Im with him, he fills my heart up more and more, and the more its filled with pieces of him, the more painful itll be when he rips it out of my chest as though it never belonged there in the first place.
I hear the vibration of his phone and feel him roll over and reach for it on the nightstand next to him. He thinks Im asleep, so I dont give him reason to think otherwise.
Hey, he whispers. Theres a long pause, and I start to panic internally, wondering who hes talking to. Yeah, Im sorry. I should have called you. I figured youd be asleep.
My heart is in my throat now, crawling its way up, trying to escape from Miles and me and this entire situation. My heart knows by my reaction to this phone call that its in trouble. My heart has just gone into fight-or-flight mode, and right now, its doing everything it can to run.
I dont blame my heart one bit.
Love you, too, Dad.
My heart slides back down my throat and finds its normal home in my chest again. Its happy for now. Im happy. Happy that he actually does have someone to call.
In the same moment, Im also reminded of how little I know about him. How little he shows me. How much he hides himself from me, so that when I finally break, it wont be his fault.
It wont be a quick break, either. Itll be slow and painful, filled with so many moments like these that tear me up from the inside out. Moments when he thinks Im asleep and he slides out of my bed. Moments when I keep my eyes closed but listen as he puts on his clothes. Moments when I make sure my breathing remains regular in case hes watching me when he leans over to kiss me on the forehead.
Moments when he leaves.
Because he always leaves.
Chapter twenty-eight
MILES
Six years earlier
What if he turns out to be gay? Rachel asks me. Would that
bother you?
Shes holding Clayton, and were both sitting on the hospital
bed. Im on the foot of the bed facing her, watching her stare
at him.
She keeps asking me random questions. Playing devils
advocate again.
She says we need to work these things out now so we dont run
into any parenting issues in the future.
It would only bother me if he felt like he couldnt talk to us
about it. I want him to know he can talk to us about anything.
Rachel smiles at Clayton, but I know her smile is for me.
Because she loved my answer.
What if he doesnt believe in God? she asks.
He can believe whatever he wants. I just want his beliefsor
lack thereofto make him happy.
She smiles again.
What if he commits an awful, heinous, heartless crime and
gets sent to prison for life?
I would question where I went wrong as a father, I tell her.
She looks up at me. Well, based on this interrogation, Im
convinced hell never commit a crime, because youre already
the best dad Ive ever known.
Now shes making me smile.
We both look at the door when it opens and a nurse walks in.
She flashes a regretful smile. Its time, she says.
Rachel groans, but I have no idea what the nurse is referring
to. Rachel sees the confusion on my face.
His circumcision.
My stomach clenches. I know we discussed this during the
pregnancy, but Im suddenly having second thoughts, knowing
what hes about to go through.
Its not so bad, the nurse says. We numb him first.
She walks over to Rachel and begins to lift him from Rachels
arms, but I lean forward.
Wait, I tell her. Let me hold him first.
The nurse backs up a step, and Rachel hands Clayton to me. I
pull him in front of me and look down on him.
Im so sorry, Clayton. I know itll hurt, and I know its
emasculating, but
Hes a day old, Rachel interjects with a laugh. Theres hardly
anything that can emasculate him yet.
I tell her to hush. I tell her Im having a father-son moment,
and she needs to pretend shes not here.
Dont worry, your mom left the room, I say to Clayton,
giving Rachel a wink. I was saying, I know its emasculating,
but youll thank me later for it. Especially when youre older
and you get involved with girls. Hopefully not until after
youre eighteen, but itll more than likely be around the age of
sixteen. It was for me, anyway.
Rachel leans forward and holds her arms out for him. Thats
enough bonding, she says, laughing. I think we need to
review the boundaries of father-son conversation while hes