For the entire nine months I was pregnant with Claire, I was so scared I wouldnt be able to cry from happiness when I saw her. Right after she was born, they handed her to me, just like they did when Clayton was born. Claire looked just like him, Miles. Just like him. I was staring down at her, holding her in my arms, and tears were running down my cheeks. But I was crying good tears, and I realized at that moment that they were the first tears of happiness I had cried since the day I held Clayton in my arms.
I wipe my eyes and let go of his hand, then lift my head off his shoulder. You deserve that, too, I tell him. You deserve to feel that again.
He nods. I want to love her so much, Rachel, he says, breathing out the words like theyve been pent up forever. I want that with her so much. Im just scared the rest of it will never go away.
The pain will never go away, Miles. Ever. But if you let yourself love her, youll only feel it sometimes, instead of allowing it to consume your entire life.
He wraps his arm around me and pulls my forehead against his lips. He kisses me, long and hard, before pulling back. He nods, letting me know that he understands what Im trying to explain to him.
Youve got this, Miles, I say, repeating the same words he used to comfort me with. Youve got this.
He laughs, and its as if I can feel some of the heaviness lift away from him.
You know what I was most afraid of tonight? he asks. I was afraid that when I got here, youd be just like me. He brushes my hair back and smiles. Im so happy youre not. It makes me feel good to see you happy.
He pulls me to him and hugs me tightly. Thank you, Rachel, he whispers. He kisses me gently on the cheek before releasing me to stand up. I should probably go now. I have a million things I want to tell her.
He makes his way down the hallway toward the living room, then turns to face me one last time. I no longer see all the sad parts of him. Now I just see a calmness when I look in his eyes.
Rachel? He pauses, watching me quietly for a moment. A peaceful smile slowly spreads across his face. Im so proud of you.
He disappears from the hallway, and I remain on the floor until I hear the front door close behind him.
Im proud of you, too, Miles.
Chapter thirty-eight
TATE
I close the door to my car and walk to the stairs leading up to the second floor of my apartment complex. Im relieved not to have to use the elevator anymore, but I cant help but miss Cap a little bit, even if his advice didnt make a whole lot of sense to me the majority of the time. It was nice just having him there to vent to. Ive been keeping myself busy with work and school, trying to stay focused, but its been hard.
Ive been in my new apartment for two weeks now, and even though I wish I were alone, I never am. Every time I walk in through my front door, Miles is still everywhere. Hes still in everything, and I keep waiting until hes not. I keep waiting for the day when it will hurt less. When I wont miss him as much.
I would say my heart is broken, but its not. I dont think it is. Actually, I wouldnt know, because my heart hasnt been in my chest since I left it lying in front of his apartment the day I told him goodbye.
I tell myself to take it one day at a time, but its so much easier said than done. Especially when those days turn into nights, and I have to lie in my bed alone, listening to the silence.
The silence was never so loud until I told Miles goodbye.
Im already dreading opening my apartment door, and Im not even halfway up the stairwell yet. I can already tell this night isnt going to be any different from all the other nights since Miles. I reach the top of the stairs and turn left toward my apartment, but my feet stop working.
My legs stop working.
I can feel the thumping of a heart somewhere in my chest again for the first time in two weeks.
Miles?
He doesnt move. Hes sitting on the floor in front of my apartment, propped up against the door. I walk slowly toward him, not sure what to make of his appearance. Hes not in uniform. Hes casually dressed, and the stubble on his face proves he hasnt worked in a few days. Theres also what looks like a fresh bruise under his right eye. Im scared to wake him up, because if hes as belligerent as he was the first time I met him, I dont want to deal with it. But once again, theres no way I can get around him and inside my apartment without waking him up.
I look up and inhale a deep breath, wondering what to do. Im afraid if I wake him up, Ill cave. Ill let him inside, and Ill give him what hes here for, which definitely isnt the part of me I want to give him.
Tate, he says. I look down at him, and hes awake now, pulling himself up, watching me nervously. I take a step back once hes standing, because I forgot how tall he is. How much he becomes everything when hes standing right in front of me.
How long have you been here? I ask him.
He glances down to the cell phone in his hand. Six hours. He looks back up at me. I need to use your restroom pretty bad.
I want to laugh, but I cant remember how.
I turn to my door, and he steps out of the way for me to unlock it.
My trembling hand pushes open the door to my apartment, and I walk inside, then point to the hallway. On the right.
I dont look back at him while he walks in that direction. I wait until the bathroom door closes, and I fall onto the couch and bury my face in my hands.
I hate that hes here. I hate that I let him in without question. I hate that as soon as he walks out of the bathroom, Im going to have to make him leave. But I just cant do this to myself anymore.
Im still trying to gather myself when the bathroom door opens and he walks back into the living room. I look up at him and cant look away.
Something is different.
Hes different.
The smile on his face … the peacefulness in his eyes … the way he carries himself like hes floating.
Its only been two weeks, but he looks so different.
He takes a seat on the couch and doesnt even bother putting space between us. He sits right next to me and leans into me, so I close my eyes and wait for whatever words hes about to say that will hurt me again. Thats all he knows how to do.
Tate, he whispers. I miss you.
Whoa.
I was absolutely not expecting to hear those three words, but they just became my new favorite words.
I and miss and you.
Say it again, Miles.
I miss you, Tate, he says immediately. So much. And its not the first time. Ive missed you every single day we werent together since the moment I met you.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him.
I go.
I fall to his chest and grab hold of his shirt, squeezing my eyes shut when I feel his lips press against the top of my head.
Look at me, he says softly, pulling me onto his lap to face him.
I do. I look at him. I actually see him this time. Theres no guard up. Theres no invisible wall blocking me from learning and exploring everything about him. Hes allowing me to see him this time, and hes beautiful.
So much more beautiful than before. Whatever changed in him, it was huge.
I want to tell you something, he says. This is so hard for me to say, because youre the first person Ive ever wanted to say it to.
Im scared to move. His words are terrifying me, but I nod.
I had a son, he says quietly, looking down at our hands now laced together. Those three words are delivered with more pain than any three words Ive ever heard.
I inhale. He looks up at me with tears in his eyes, but I remain quiet for him, even though his words just knocked the breath out of me.
He died six years ago. His voice is soft and distant, but its still his voice.
I can tell those words are some of the hardest hes ever had to say. It hurts him so much to admit this. I want to tell him to stop. I want to tell him I dont need to hear it if it hurts. I want to wrap my arms around him and rip the sadness from his soul with my bare hands, but instead, I let him finish.
Miles looks back down at our interlocked fingers. Im not ready to tell you about him yet. I need to do it at my own pace.
I nod and squeeze his hands reassuringly.
I will tell you about him, though. I promise. I also want to tell you about Rachel. I want you to know everything about my past.
I dont even know if hes finished, but I lean forward and press my lips to his. He pulls me against him so tightly and pushes back against my mouth so hard its as if hes telling me hes sorry without using words.
Tate, he whispers against my mouth. I can feel him smiling. Im not finished.
He lifts me and adjusts me next to him on the couch. His thumb circles my shoulder as he looks down at his lap, forming whatever words hes needing to say to me.
I was born and raised in a small suburb just outside of San Francisco, he says, bringing his eyes back up to meet mine. Im an only child. I dont really have any favorite foods, because I like almost everything. Ive wanted to be a pilot for as long as I can remember. My mother passed away from cancer when I was seventeen. My father has been married for about a year to a woman who works for him. Shes nice, and theyre happy together. Ive always kind of wanted a dog, but Ive never had one …
I watch him, mesmerized. I watch his eyes as they roam around my face while he talks. While he tells me all about his childhood and his past and how he met my brother and his relationship with Ian.
His hand finds mine, and he covers it as though hes becoming my shield. My armor. The night I met you, he finally says. The night you found me in the hallway? His eyes dart toward his lap, unable to hold contact with mine. My son would have been six that day.
I know he said he wants me to listen to him, but right now, I just need to hug him. I lean forward and wrap my arms around him, and he lies back on the couch, pulling me on top of him.
It took everything I had to try to convince myself that I wasnt falling for you, Tate. Every single time I was around you, the things I would feel terrified me. I had gone six years thinking I had control of my life and my heart and that nothing could ever hurt me again. But when we were together, there were moments I didnt care if I ever hurt again, because being with you almost felt worth the potential pain. Every time I began to feel that way, I would just push you farther away out of guilt and fear. I felt like I didnt deserve you. I didnt deserve happiness at all, because Id taken it away from the only two people I had ever loved.
His arms tighten around me when he feels my shoulders shaking from the tears making their way out of my eyes. His lips meet the top of my head, and he inhales a steady breath as he kisses me, long and hard.
Im sorry it took me so long, he says with a voice full of remorse. But Ill never be able to thank you enough for not giving up on me. You saw something in me that gave you hope in us, and you didnt give up on that. And Tate? That means more to me than anything anyones ever done.
His hands meet my cheeks, and he lifts me away from his chest so he can see me face-to-face. It may be a small piece at a time, but my past is yours now. All of it. Anything you want to know, I want to tell you. But only if you promise me I can also have your future.
The tears cascade down my cheeks, and he wipes them away, even though I dont need him to. I dont care that Im crying, because they arent sad tears. Not in the least.
We kiss for so long my mouth starts to hurt as much as my heart. My heart isnt hurting from pain this time, though. It hurts because its never felt this full.
I trace my fingers across the scar on his jaw, knowing hell eventually tell me how he got it. I also touch the tender area beneath his eye, relieved that I can finally ask him questions without being scared Ill upset him.
What happened to your eye?
He laughs and lets his head fall back against the couch. I had to ask Corbin for your address. He gave it to me, but it took a lot of convincing.
I immediately lean forward and gently kiss his eye. I cant believe he hit you.
Not the first time, he admits. But Im pretty sure itll be the last. I think hes finally okay with us being together after I agreed to a few of his rules.