Me: I miss you.
Zeke: I miss you more.
*
It wasn’t long until the season started and we were on the bus to our first game. Luckily, our first game was with College of Charleston and I got to go back to South Carolina. That meant I could see Megan after the game and maybe squeeze in some time to visit my mother’s grave.
In the locker room before the game, I suddenly started to feel a little lightheaded. Playing a game had never been a big deal for me, but earlier I’d stepped out and saw the crowd waiting to watch us play. I felt a little sick to my stomach at the thought of so many eyes on me.
When it was time to play, I stood up and followed the girls. At the door, the chest pains started and I had to take a deep breath. The only problem was I couldn’t get any oxygen. Turning, I fell to the bench just inside the locker room. The shakes were starting and no matter how hard I tried to talk myself out of it, a panic attack was coming.
I was just beginning to hyperventilate when Hope came back in for me.
“You okay, Patience? You don’t look so good,” she said as she sat next to me.
Her being there and asking me that question seemed to intensify my panic, and it wasn’t long until my entire body shook. I leaned my head between my legs and tried to breathe, but the fear of dying right there in the middle of the girl’s locker room was so intense. Heated tears sprang from my eyes and slid down my cheeks.
Why was this happening to me? And why wasn’t I strong enough to make it stop? I felt like such a dumbass for sitting there shaking. I felt even dumber for crying about it. I hated being weak. I hated that I was letting these things get the best of me. I couldn’t fight him when I was growing up, just like I couldn’t fight myself and make these things stop.
Far away I could hear Hope talking to me. I couldn’t make out her words, but even with numb fingers, I felt her warm hands as she placed a bottle of water into one of my hands and a pill into the other.
I looked up into her face. Her understanding smile helped a little.
“What… is-is… this?” I stuttered.
I could barely hold the tiny oval pill in my palm.
“It’s a valium. Chew it up and chase it with the water. It’ll help. I promise.”
I didn’t know Hope all that well. We only really hung out on the field and a few times when I grabbed a quick lunch in between classes. But the fear of dying was only getting worse and at that point I’d do just about anything to make it stop.
I tossed the pill into my mouth and started to chew. The sharp taste of the crushed-up pill rolled across my tongue and made my jaws lock. I quickly downed the water and put my head back between in legs as I waited for something to happen. Either I’d die from a massive heart attack since my heart seemed to want to be on the outside of my body, or the magic pill would kick in and things would be all right.
Once the shakes started to calm, I could feel my heart and blood slow back to a normal speed. The circulation returned to my arms and legs, and I no longer felt the weight of numbed limbs pulling me down. The air felt fresher when I breathed it in, and the room stopped spinning.
“Well, you certainly look better. You ready to go out there and kick some ass?” Hope asked.
I appreciated the fact that she was pretending like nothing happened—like it was an everyday thing for someone to go into a full-blown panic attack around her.
“Yeah. Just give me another minute.” My throat ached, so I took another swig of the water.
A few minutes later, we were quickly making our way to the field. It took me a bit to get into the game, but soon I was running up and down the field and making goals. We played hard and won by three points. I was still feeling the relaxation from the pill she’d given me before the game when I made my way back into the locker room. It was as if I’d swallowed magic.
When I got out of the shower, I made it a point to walk by Hope on the way to my locker.
“Thanks for earlier,” I said quietly.
“Anytime. If you ever need another one, just let me know. We all have our moments and my mom keeps me stocked. I have a little something to help you stay alert to study, too, if you’re ever in need of that.”
The thought of being medicated all the time didn’t fly with me. I knew there were people who took things to bring them down and things to give them pep in their step. Every time I’d been around Zeke’s friends, it was obvious they were all on something, but that wasn’t for me.
“I appreciate it, but no thanks. Could we please keep the earlier episode between us, though?”
She nodded her understanding and gave me a friendly smile. “Of course, Patience. If anyone understands these things, it’s me.”