I look down, and shake my head. “No, Kyler, you’re not. You never were.” My voice is as small and as vulnerable as I feel.
“I need to explain,” he says. “Nothing happened with me and Jessa.” I snort. “Yeah, because walking in on you, naked in bed with her is definitely nothing.”
Kyler takes a step closer and I follow suit with one step back. My back hits the wall, and Kyler takes the opportunity to cage me in, resting his forearms on the wall beside my head.
“Nothing happened,” he says. His voice is low, and hard. It ignites the fire in my belly, and I silently curse my body for responding to him and his closeness after what he did.
“Liar,” I breathe out. “I saw you.” My throat tightens. Replaying what I walked in on isn’t doing me any good.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Kyler whispers, his hot breath hitting my face as he presses his forehead to mine. “But nothing happened, I swear to you Cass.”
“Tell me the truth,” I say. “What really happened?” I want to know, and part of me thinks Kyler might actually be capable of telling me the truth. I want to believe that he cares enough to be honest with me, even if it’s going to rip me to shreds.
“Jessa saw me at the bar, and slipped something into my beer. I don’t remember anything after that, but when I confronted her, she told me she followed me home, and climbed into bed with me after she sent that text from my phone.”
I look into Kyler’s eyes, and search his face for any sign of dishonesty. I visibly relax when I don’t find it anywhere. While it’s a relief, I realize that what went wrong between me and Kyler is so much bigger than what Jessa did. I fell in love with him, a man I willingly agreed to have an exclusive nostrings-attached relationship with. I should’ve known there is no such thing. The severity of the realization hits my chest, knocking the wind out of my lungs.
“Please say something,” Kyler pleads. “Tell me you believe me.” “I don’t know,” I reply quietly.
“Please.”
Kyler leans in and slowly presses his lips to mine, gently at first, and then applying more pressure.
His tongue traces the seam of my lips, and they traitorously open for him. His tongue dives in, and traces the contours of mine, seducing my mouth. His right hand cups my neck, and tilts my head up, deepening the kiss, and his left hand presses my lower back.
I feel the bulge below the zipper of his jeans against my stomach, and can’t help but whimper. My hands claw at his shirt, and pull it into my fists. He lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. The hardness of his jeans rub against my centre, and I moan into his mouth. He presses his hips into mine, and I feel the spark between my legs. I want this. I want him. But knowing that my lust is more than just lust makes me stop.
“Kyler,” I breathe out harshly. “Put me down, please.”
He pulls away, and gives me a confused gaze. I slide down his body. “I can’t do this,” I choke out, swallowing back an onslaught of hot, unwelcome tears. I push Kyler back, and step aside to get around him. I walk towards the door.
“Cassey, wait!” Kyler calls out behind me. His voice is drowned out by the blood rushing in my ears, and I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe. I rush out back into the club, and search frantically for Quinn. I spot her at the bar with Jarred, and shove the other club-goers out of my way. Quinn’s smiling face drops when she see’s me, and she rushes over.
“Are you okay, Cass?”
I shake my head no, unable to speak at the moment.
“You ready to leave?”
I nod, wiping my face, not worrying about the make-up.
“Let’s go, sweety, we’ll call a cab.”
“No,” I cry. “Stay here with Jarred. I’ll get a cab myself.”
“I’m not leaving you alone,” Quinn says, and I love her for it. But I need to be alone.
I shake my head adamantly. “It’s okay, I just need to be alone. I’ll text you when I get back to my place.”
Quinn hesitates. “Okay,” she sighs. “But let me know that you’re home safe.” She hugs me, and another part of me cracks. I let her go, and find the exit. On the drive home, I cry silently in the back of the cab, and on the way up to my apartment. I shut the door, and in the dark, silence around me, I fall to the floor, and sob. Twenty minutes later, I hear banging on the door, and jump.
“Cassey! I know you’re there, I can hear you!”
It’s Kyler. I stand up on shaky legs and wait.
“Please let me in, Cass! I’m so sorry baby. I’m sorry I upset you.” I convince myself that if I let Kyler in, we can talk and get it over with. I calm my nerves and my breathing, and open the door.
“Cassey, I’m so sorry,” Kyler says again, walking in quickly. He shuts the door, and makes his way towards me. He doesn’t touch me, but I can see he wants to. I can also see fear, and concern in his eyes.
“W-why are you here?” I ask.
“Because you’re upset, and I need you to talk to me.”
“There’s nothing more to say,” I reply. It’s a lie. There’s so much more to say. “I’m not buying it,” he says.
My emotional state takes a turn into frustration. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours dammit!”
Kyler grips his hair.
“I don’t know!” I cry out. “You want me to believe that nothing happened between you and Jessa so that we can go back to how things were, and I can’t do that again.”
Kyler’s face falls, and it’s like a kick in the stomach. But I can’t put his feeling before my own. Not this time.
“I can’t be your,” I pause, trying to form the words in my tight throat, “fuck buddy again.”
Kyler’s somber expression morphs into one of rage, and he steps closer to me until our noses are almost touching. “You think that’s what we were? Fuck buddies?” His voice is harsh and angry. “It might’ve started out that way, but baby, you.fucking.own.me.”
“You don’t want what I want,” I say. “You want no-strings-attached and I can’t do that with you anymore.”
“Good,” he growls. “Because I can’t do that anymore either.”
I frown, confused. Did he come all this way to reject me? God, I’m exhausted, this is killing me. I open my mouth to say as much but my words disappear when Kyler crashes his mouth to mine.
“No, we’re not doing this. I’m not sleeping with you for old times sake. You don’t want me anymore, and that’s fine, but don’t fuck with my feelings anymore, Kyler. I can’t take any more of this.”
“You think that’s what this is? That I’m going to fuck you, and walk out that door afterwards?”
I look down, but don’t answer him. Kyler tilts my chin with his finger. “You are so wrong, Cass. So very wrong. I have no intention of leaving here until you know exactly how I feel about you.”
I look into his eyes, hoping he can see the question I can’t ask. How dow you feel about me?
“I love you,” he blurts out. “I’m in love with you.”