I stare at myself in the mirror, and suddenly unable to stand the reflection of my own face, my fist comes up and shatters it. Shards or glass fall and cut into my skin, but I don’t care. I want it to hurt. I want to feel the pain. It’s only a fraction of the pain I have inflicted on those I love the most.
“FUUUUUUUUCK!!!” I yell into the empty room, dropping to my knees. Hot tears streak down my face and I start sobbing, feeding off the hatred I feel towards myself. I slam my bloodied fists onto the tiles, not giving a fuck that it hurts like hell. I deserve it.
I hear my bedroom door open slowly and then shut again, but I don’t look up. The way the hair stand up on my arms and my nape indicates that it’s Hayley. Even when I’m a total fucking mess, my hands covered in blood and my face wet with tears, my body still responds to her presence. But I don’t want her here. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to hurt her but I know I’m going to. I always knew breaking her heart was an inevitability, but I had hoped it would be a little while longer before I tore it to pieces.
“Oh my God, Cameron. Are you okay?”
She kneels down next to me and tries to reach for my injured hands but I don’t let her.
“Let me get you cleaned up,” she says. Her eyes are still red, and I hate myself for what I’m about to do to this sweet, incredible girl. But it’s for the best. She’s better off without me.
“No,” I grind through my teeth. My jaw ticks as I try to reign in my anger. “You need to leave, Hayley. Now.”
Her eyebrows dip in confusion and I can see the wheels turning in her head. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“LEAVE!” I yell. “JUST FUCKING LEAVE, HAYLEY, I DON’T WANT YOU HERE.”
I choke back a sob because the way she looks at me, all lost and scared, is tearing me to shreds, and I can’t deal with anything more right now.
“Why?” Tears stream down her face and the internal struggle between my heart and my head becomes a full on war. I want to pull her into me, hold her tight and breathe her in until I feel okay. But I also want to push her away and protect her from what I am. God. please, don’t let me destroy her. Please, God, please.
“Because I don’t want you here, Hayley!”
She flinches, her eyes searching my face for only she knows what. “But I love you, Cam.”
Her eyes widen with her admission, like she never meant to say it. Something in my chest tightens. I love you, too, I want to say, but I don’t. Instead I scowl and move away from her. It’s for the best, I remind myself, saying it over and over like a mantra. It’s better to get this over with now than when we are in too deep.
Who the fuck am I kidding? I’m already in too deep.
“Leave, Hayley. Just get the fuck out of here!”
She stands up and backs away, cupping her mouth and clutching her stomach. Her body is shaking, and the tears are unending. God, I’m such a prick.
“You don’t mean that,” she cries. The anguish in her words comes to me quietly but slices me open and leaves me raw. She doesn’t deserve this, but I do, and watching her walk away from me, is an image I won’t soon forget.
Chapter 18
~ Hayley ~
I know I ran down the stairs of Cameron’s parents’ house. I know I tripped over my own feet in their driveway, trying to get away. I know I nearly veered off the road going back to my grandmother's because I could barely see through my own tears. I know that I collapsed the minute the front door shut behind me and I know that Ari was hysterical, because she’d never seen me that way before. But I don’t remember anything except the feeling of my heart being ripped to shreds, piece by bloody piece. My chest physically ached, not only for Cameron and his family, for the loss they had experienced, but also for the loss I felt when it was all over. It has been a five long and excruciating days since I left Cameron kneeling on the floor of his bathroom, his hands covered in blood. And it has been five long and excruciating days since I have been able to take a decent inhalation of air. Because that’s how he left me. Feeling like I had the wind knocked out of me. I always knew there was a chance that he would break my heart, and he certainly did a sterling job with that, but there was one thing I never counted on. Him breaking me.
By the third day, I pulled myself together and realized that I was not one of those girls who could sit around and wallow in the claws of self-pity. Nope. I had to move on pretty quickly because I have a little girl who depends on me, and if there is one single reason for me to get up after being knocked down, it’s my Ari. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurting, or that I’m not still hurting, because I am. Deeply. Like my soul has been put through a meat shredder and fed to Hell Hounds. But I put on a brave face and pretend that I’m fine, because that’s what Ari needs to see. My grandmother doesn’t buy it though. She hears me crying at night when I’m alone in my room, and I can see the sympathy in her hazel eyes every morning when I’m walking around as nothing more than a shell of a person. Her words ring loud in my head every day that goes by. “It gets easier, sweet heart. You just have to take one day at a time. `’
With the help of final exams, I’m able to stay somewhat distracted, my thoughts only drifting to Cameron on occasion. I’ve spoken to both Hannah and Candice almost every day since Mr. Argent died, and I’m grateful that neither of them brings Cameron into the conversation. It’s bad enough that I send him text messages and get no reply. And yet, I can’t seem to stop. All I want is a sign, that he’s okay. Something, anything to ease the constant throbbing in my chest.
There’s a tentative knock on my door, just as I zip the back of my black pencil dress.
“Come in.” I call out. I stare at myself in the mirror, noting the dark circles under my eyes and the way my cheekbones are slightly more protruding now. The black dress hangs loosely, instead of hugging my curves like it used to. The girl in front of me a stranger, and an idiot. But that’s the thing about love. It sneaks up on you, and you only realize it after the damage has been done. Yet, I wonder if it’s even possible to fall so irrevocably in love with another human being in such a short amount of time. It sounds ridiculous, but I can’t deny that it’s a definite possibility in my case. It’s like Cameron had a direct line to my heart, my thoughts, my body and oddly enough, my daughter, too. I think that’s what makes it hurt so much more, his willingness to be not only with me, but with Ari too. And I know she knows he’s not here anymore, with me, because she asks about him everyday. “Where’s Cam, mommy?” she’ll ask me, and I’ll rip myself apart coming up with another lie, just to pacify her, reassure her that she hasn’t done anything wrong. Neither of us has, really. I guess it just happened.
The door opens and my grandmother appears in the mirror. Ari jumps from her place in my grandmother's arms and comes straight to me. “Are you ready?” My grandmother asks, watching me with her all-knowing eyes. “Hannah’s here.”
“Thanks, Gama. I’ll be down in a minute.”
She nods, and leaves Ari and me alone. I pick her up and hold her to me, feeling unprepared and shaky. I want to take her with me, but a memorial service is no place for a toddler. I reconsidered going, just to avoid having to see Cameron, but after speaking to Candice and Hannah this week, I decided I wouldn’t be going for him. I’d be going as a show of support to his mother, and his sister, who have both become very dear to me. Admittedly, that was reason enough to go.