How can you help someone when you can’t even help yourself? How can you fight when you’re not even sure you want to win? I’m so fucked up that I’m not even sure I know what I’m saying. Every day is just another day that I’m chugging along, and riding this fucked up ride we call life.
Well, where the hell do I get off?
Pushing back my emotions, I reach in the back for my guitar, grab Alex’s shoulder and squeeze, letting him know that I’m ready. No bullshit this time. I can’t run off like a pussy again. I need to face her, to let her know that I’m sorry.
“All good, man?” Alex grabs the back of my neck and squeezes, as I look straight ahead with my jaw steeled.
“All good.” I push my door open and swallow. “Let’s go.” Hopping out of the truck, I sling my guitar over my right shoulder and walk side by side with Alex. With every step that we take I feel my heart breaking more, making my throat burn with the emotions I’m trying to keep hidden. Something about being here with Alex makes it feel more real. It’s a huge dose of reality and it fucking sucks.
My eyes stay zoned in on my mother’s headstone, even before we get close enough to see it. I just keep my eyes locked, knowing that it’s there. I can feel it in my heart. I could never forget where she is. I have a feeling I could find her spot even with my eyes closed.
It’s cooler than the last time we were here, a little too cold. The wind is blowing, sending a shiver up my spine. It reminds me so much of my mother and what she taught me as a young man.
Stepping up to her grave, I grab her jacket out from under my left arm and carefully drape it over the ground above her. My eyes unwillingly start to water as I kneel down and place my hand on the ground between my knees so that I can get closer to her.
“It’s cold today,” I whisper. “I remember you always told me to never let the ones you love go cold. You said to keep them warm and close to your heart, that way they’ll never forget how much they mean to you. That’s what you always said when you used to put your jacket on me when you caught me outside without one. You always were the most loving, caring woman I had ever met.”
I close my eyes and remember the feeling I got as a child when she would drape me in her coat to keep me warm. It made me feel safe and loved, because I knew her jacket was always close to her heart. “I haven’t forgotten,” I say softly. “I remember.” I take a deep breath and slowly release it. “I’ve met someone a lot like you. She’s tough . . . a fighter. She doesn’t seem to give up so easily on the ones she cares about, no matter how hard you try to push her away. That was one of the things I always loved about you, and to this day I still do. You never gave up on any of us, even when you should have.”
I feel Alex’s hand on my shoulder before he kneels down beside me and wipes his face on the sleeve of his jacket. It’s not very often that you’ll see Alex cry. He’s a lot like me in ways . . . but better. “You can do it, man. She’s listening.” He points above us and then touches his heart. “We love you mom; always and forever. Your boys.”
I swallow hard and close my eyes as the tears come steadily. This time there’s no stopping them. I feel every damn increment of pain I have been trying to keep buried away. The only option left is to just lose it and let it all out. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
I grip the ground with one hand and run my hand through my hair, tugging. “I never wanted to leave you. I didn’t. I had no choice. I did what I had to do to protect our family. Alex was going to die. He was barely breathing and he just kept hitting him over and over. I didn’t know I was going to kill him. I didn’t know. Fuck!”
I punch the ground before standing to my feet and growling. I feel all the rage coming back to me. That unstoppable hatred that fueled the beast that night, I let it take over me . . . and blind me. I’m afraid it’s going to come back tonight. I tried to avoid this. I really did.
Alex grips my shoulder to comfort me, but I push his arm away and kneel down again, gripping my head. The pain is so fucking bad that I can feel myself struggling for air.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Please don’t hate me. I love you more than life,” I say with one short breath.
“It’s alright, bro.” Alex stands above me, looking away. “We all know it was to protect me. Mom knew you did what you had to do. She fucking knew what dad became. Plus, I saw him bang his head onto the side of the workbench. You could’ve never expected that. It just happened. He was drunk off his fucking ass. No one could have called it.”
I grind my jaw and lean my head back, trying to fight off the pain. I’ve gone the last six years hating myself for not being able to be here for my family. I will never let that happen again. That’s exactly why I have to fight tonight. I’m going to fight and get Alex and I both out of this lifestyle . . . for good.
Alex taps the guitar. “Hey, Mom would love it if you played for her. Okay? It’s been a long time.” He sits down on the ground beside me. “That always made her happy, Bro. We can sit here all day if you need to. Let’s just chill and relax . . . like old times.”
I nod my head in silence. I’m done with words. The pain is too much to bear.
We have already been here for a good two hours, both of us just relaxing as I play some of mom’s favorite songs. No matter how old they are, I’ll never forget them. Neither one of us speak the entire time. We don’t have to. It’s as close to a happy memory that either one of us will ever get again.
I HAVEN’T TAKEN MY EYES off the clock. In two more hours I’ll be in that fucking warehouse, losing myself to more pent up frustration and hate. I don’t know much about how Asher’s fights work. All I know is that if a fighter loses too much of his money, eventually, he has a better fighter take his ass out . . . for good.
That thought scares me. I’m not scared for myself. I’m scared of what I may have to do to someone else. It’s been approximately six years since I have been in a ring, but that doesn’t mean shit. It’s part of who I am. The fight is in me and I never give up.
I’m not even sure when Alex entered my room, but when I look up he’s standing next to the heavy bag in the corner.
“I think you should fight tonight.” Alex looks over at me, his expression dark. I can see the pain in his eyes. The guilt is eating at him.