A big log sided home with a private gated entrance. A boat dock over there jutting out on the water. A small boat house to keep a boat in.
“But all those thoughts include you. I’m not thinking about me anymore, I’m thinking about us. And maybe I’m rushing those thoughts, but I know what I want.
“I understand if you’re not ready for all of that just yet, but I want to know if you can picture it too. Is that something you want?”
I looked in his eyes when I spoke. “Yes, very much so.”
He let out a big sigh and smiled. “That’s good to know. Then we’re on the same page.
“But… last night when we were talking out on the beach, you sort of clammed up on me,” he sighed. “Before we go on… well, I just want to make sure that we want the same things.”
“I’m pretty sure we do,” I said softly.
“Then why did you get distant on me last night?”
I thought about what his mother said to me this afternoon. I had to stop fearing that he’d run away if I talked about my feelings openly with him.
Ryan squeezed my hand to get my attention.
I took a deep breath and looked at him.
“Ryan, I’ve heard the words ‘I love you’ before, and every time I believed them they just turned out to be nothing more than words. I need more time to know that I can rely on you when you tell me you love me. I haven’t had the best of luck in relationships.”
“Me neither,” he interjected.
“Then why are we rushing it?”
Ryan stared down at his feet, rubbing his sneaker over the knot in the wooden plank. He pursed his lips and shrugged.
“I don’t know,” he muttered. “I guess I’m just ready to get on with the next chapter of my life. I’ve been living like a nomad for the last two years.
It’s really starting to get to me.”
I knew he was lonely and terribly isolated by this sudden, overwhelming fame. I had been surviving in loneliness for months myself.
“Last night you said some things.” I wiggled uncomfortably on the bench, measuring my words. “I need to know that it’s truly me that you want, and not just the idea of a life with someone like me that’s driving you.”
Ryan rolled his gaze back to me. He stared at my face for a moment before he spoke. I felt as if I was missing some obvious point.
“Taryn, it is you that I want!” He laughed lightly, like I was being silly again. “You are the reason I’m even thinking about all of these things! I just want to be sure that we are heading in the same direction, that’s all.”
I thought about several different directions we could actually head to. I didn’t want to assume.
“Well, since you’ve mentioned words like married before, I guess I don’t need to feel frightened to bring it up.”
“No, you don’t,” he confirmed gently.
“Children?”
“That too,” he said with a soft smile.
“If those are the things that you want too, then I’d say we are heading in the same direction.” I looked him in the eyes.
Ryan nodded.
“Then let’s just let it grow naturally,” I softly pleaded.
“Okay,” he whispered, agreeing with me.
A light breeze blew across the water, sending a chill through my body. I shuddered, wishing we were sitting in front of the fire pit having this conversation.
“Are you cold?” Ryan asked, wrapping his arm around me. He rubbed my arm to warm me.
My teeth chattered together as I sniffed in some chilly air. “Just a little.”
Ryan was still deep in thought. His brow was furrowed - a telltale sign that he was mulling over something. I snuggled deeper into his hug and waited.
“ I’ve been thinking about what you said,” he answered my glance. “I know it’s easy to toss the phrase ‘I love you’ around. I’ve said that line out loud a couple of times myself.” He twined our fingers together again.
“And I’m sure girls have said the same to you,” I said.
“Yeah.” His eyes brightened and he laughed lightly. “Can I tell you something? Promise me you won’t laugh.”
I crossed my heart with my fingers. “I promise.”
“You know that first night when we stayed together here in the cabin? As sick as we were, there was no place on Earth I would have rather been than here with you.”
I smiled at his statement. “I’d say we got to know each other on very intimate levels that night!”
“I know! But it made me realize something… it made me realize how comfortable I am with you. And then that first night I stayed with you in your bed, when I woke up in the morning holding you I thought, ‘this is the woman I want to wake up to for the rest of my life.’ I knew that before I even kissed you for the first time.
“Every time I get angry or upset, you have this magical way of bringing me back to Earth. I don’t know how you do it, but somehow you manage to keep me sane.”
“You do the same for me, you know,” I added.
“That’s good to know!” He shot me his sexy smirk.
Ryan lifted my hand to his lips. “So when I say those words to you, that is what I truly mean. You need to realize that who you are, right now, is exactly what I want and need.”
My heart never felt so full. I looked into his eyes. “No fair… you stole all of my lines!”
“Ryan, Taryn. Dinner is ready.” His mother shouted from the deck.
Ryan looked at me. I shook my head quickly; I wasn’t finished with our conversation.
“Start without us,” Ryan yelled back.
“So what else is on your mind?” he asked.
I stared up at the stars, watching the flashing lights of an airplane as it passed through the nighttime sky. It was a good distraction while my mind sorted through the various insecurities that have been plaguing me lately. I was unsure if any of them were conversations I wanted to get into right now. He squeezed me again. “If my memory serves me correctly, it was right after I mentioned filming Slipknot when you shut down on me last night.”
My head bowed instinctively and I sighed.
“I’m scared…Ryan,” I said slowly. “You’re going to be on location more than you will be home – wherever home may be. Separation, growing apart…” I winced. “It’s going to be hard, and I’m afraid if we force our relationship to be at stages where it hasn’t grown naturally, well…”