But we were too late, and after an hour, nothing came back from Dimitri’s searches. Neil had performed his heroics and then disappeared.
“He knew,” Adrian said. “He knew that as soon as this was over, I was going to start a hard sell on Declan. This is my fault.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Rose. She could tell something was afoot and had been waiting not so patiently during the search. “Is Declan okay?”
“He’s fine,” Adrian said, but again we exchanged looks, neither of us able to give voice to our fears. If we’d lost Neil, what was going to happen to Declan? Adrian shook his head. “I’ll find Neil in a dream.”
“Adrian,” I warned. “You just said—”
“I know, I know,” he said with a groan. “But we have to find Neil. You know why.”
Here it was, spirit threatening us again. “Even if you find him in the dream world, that’s no guarantee he’ll come back to us in the waking one,” I reminded Adrian.
“Will someone please tell me what’s going on?” asked Eddie. “Why wouldn’t Neil come back?”
I laced my fingers with Adrian’s. “Let’s just get back to Declan. Then we’ll figure out what to do about Neil.”
Even though they didn’t know the whole story, Rose, Dimitri, and Eddie wanted to go back to Clarence’s with Adrian and me in the hopes of tracking down Neil. Jill wanted to as well, but she was taken away to Court, both to be under Lissa’s protection and to receive further medical treatment. I could tell it was agonizing for Eddie to part with her, but Neil was his friend, and they’d saved each other’s lives more than once. I pretended not to see as Eddie kissed Jill goodbye and promised to see her soon.
Back at Clarence’s, we found things as we’d left them. Clarence was resting in his room, and Daniella was in the living room, going on about how Declan needed pajamas made of organic cotton rather than “God-knows-what” kind of cotton. She told us, much to our complete astonishment, that Neil had been by.
“What?” exclaimed Adrian.
“Just this morning,” she said. “Came by and held the baby for a while. Didn’t say much. Then he was on his way. I thought you knew.”
I had picked up Declan and was cradling him in my arms, surprised that I’d missed his warmth and, for lack of a better term, baby scent. Adrian stood by me and shared my surprise. “We had no idea,” he said.
“He left this,” Daniella added. She handed over a sealed envelope that Adrian tore into immediately. Inside was a handwritten letter that Adrian opened so that we both could read it.
Adrian and Sydney,
I know each of you have your own ways of figuring out where I am. If that’s the course of action you choose to take, nothing I do can stop you. But, I’m begging you, please don’t. Please let me stay away. Let the guardians think I’ve gone AWOL. Let me wander the world, helping those I can.
I know you think I should stay with Declan. Believe me, I wish I could. I wish more than anything that I could stay and raise Olive’s son—my son—and give him all the things he needs. But I can’t shake the feeling that we’d never be safe. Someday, someone might start asking about Olive and her son. Someone might connect the baby I’m raising to him, and then her fears would be realized. News of his conception would change our world. It would excite some people and scare others. Most of all, it’d make Olive’s predictions come true: people wanting to study him like a lab rat.
And that’s why I’m proposing that no one finds out he’s my son or Olive’s. From now on, let him be yours.
No one would question you two raising a dhampir. After all, your own children will be dhampirs, and from what I’ve seen, you two are smart enough to find a way to convince others he’s your biological child. I’ve also seen the way you two love each other, the way you support each other. Even with as challenging as your relationship has been, you’ve held true to yourselves and each other. That’s what Declan needs. That’s the kind of home Olive wanted for him, the kind I want for him.
I know it won’t be easy, and walking away from this is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. If a day comes when I can feel convinced that it’s safe, beyond a doubt, for me to be in his life, then I will. You can use one of those magical methods of yours to find me, and I swear I’ll be there at his side in an instant. But until then, so long as the shadow of others’ fear and scrutiny hangs over him, I beg you to take him and give him the beautiful life I know you can give him.
Best,
Neil
Adrian’s hands were shaking as he finished reading the letter. Tears had formed in my eyes, and I was forced to blink them back. “He’s right,” I finally said. “We can find him with my magic. You don’t even need to use spirit.”
Adrian folded up the letter and took Declan from me. “But he’s also right about the risks.”
“What he’s asking is big . . .” I began. Neil was right that no one would question us having a dhampir child, but that didn’t mean the complications weren’t endless. Our own lives were already uncertain. I sank down on the couch, still holding Declan, my mind reeling.
When Adrian had first proposed to me, I’d been nervous, not for lack of love but because being a nineteen-year-old bride had never been in my plans. And being a nineteen-year-old mother? That was definitely not in my plans. But then, was anything turning out the way I’d expected? I studied Declan’s face, loving all the little perfect details but also fully aware that if I committed to him, any attempts at salvaging the future I’d wanted—a home with Adrian, college, normality—were going to be seriously thwarted. And yet, how could I abandon Declan?