“He knows things that you don’t.” I looked down, embarrassed.
“I see.” I could tell he was hurt. “Well I guess that puts me in my place.”
“I didn’t tell him, Luke.” I felt my heart break at his face. “I didn’t want to tell you because I was embarrassed.”
“You never have to be embarrassed about anything with me.”
“My mom had an affair with Bryce’s dad.”
“The Mayor?” Luke looked at me in shock. “What?”
“Yeah. When we were in high school and then after we graduated, for a bit.”
“No way.” He blinked as if trying to get his head around it. “And Bryce knows?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “He already knew.”
“I wonder when he found out.”
“No idea.”
“I’m surprised he doesn’t hate you.”
“Why would he hate me?” I frowned. “I didn’t do anything.”
“People aren’t always reasonable in their hate.” He looked out of the window and stared at his bedroom. “It’s funny. All these years and we’ve been friends and shared everything, and yet I found out you’ve kept two huge secrets from me.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
He turned around and looked at me. “I understand how some things are private and dear to your heart, but I’ve always thought that we were so close that we shared everything. I always thought we had one of those friendships that transcended everything.”
“But we do, Luke.” I ached at his words.
“No,” he said slowly. “I don’t think we do.”
“I’ve told you everything now, Luke. Please don’t be mad,” I pleaded.
He stared into my eyes and frowned. “You know what, Lexi, I don’t think you have.”
“What?” I looked at him, astounded. “What do you mean?”
“I think there’s something else.” He blinked and looked away.
“What do you mean?” I stared at him with my heart pounding.
“Is there anything else you want to tell me, Lexi?”
“No.” My voice was small, but firm. I couldn’t tell him about the one thing that still haunted me. I just couldn’t. It was too painful.
“Okay.” He smiled, tightly. “So do you still want to get pancakes or should I go look for apartments now?”
“Apartments?” I frowned. “You’re moving out?”
“Well, I think I have to move if I want to study at MIT.” He smiled.
“So you decided?”
“Yeah. I’m thinking it’s time for me to move forward.”
“Oh.” The single syllable that fell from my mouth was not enough to convey the deep pain I felt at his words. “I guess you should go look at apartments then. I’m not too hungry right now.”
“Okay. I’ll see you later.” Luke walked out of my room without giving me a hug and I felt the tears streaming down my face. I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower. As I stood there, my tears mingling with the gushing water of the shower, I felt heartbroken, alone and desolate. I felt like I had never felt as bleak as I did in this moment. I knew that something in my life had irrevocably changed. I wasn’t sure where Luke and I were going to go from here, but the days of being best friends and having Dawson Creek nights seemed to be long gone.
Chapter 14
“I’m sorry you had to take me home,” she giggled. “I don’t have a car.”
“It’s no problem.” I tried to keep my voice cordial. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to get out of this one.
“I should really get one, but my dad is scared of me driving. He thinks that I’m absent minded.” She laughed, nervously.
“Well, sounds like he is being over protective. I can understand that.”
“Yeah. Lexi says if he could keep me home all day he would.”
I flinched as she mentioned Lexi’s name and she must have noticed, because she turned red after she spoke. “Oh, I didn’t mean to mention her.” She nibbled on her fingernails. “I told myself I was not going to mention her.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” I looked over at Anna and tried to smile. “Don’t stress.”
“Thanks, Bryce.” She rested her hand on my leg and it was all I could do to not push it off of me. “I know she was excited about the party and I’m sure you must have been surprised to hear that she wrote you those letters. I just feel a bit bad.”
“The letters?” I frowned and turned to look at her quickly. “What letters?”
“Oh shit,” she groaned. “I’ve done it again, haven’t I?” She turned away from me and moaned. “I think I’ve lost my mind. After last night and all.” She giggled and I sighed. The less she said about the previous night, the better it was for me.
“What letters, Anna?” I pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the engine.
“Lexi wrote you those letters when you were in Iraq, or Afghanistan, or wherever.”
“Lexi wrote the letters?” I frowned, confused. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure,” she said, angrily. “She’s had a crush on you since high school. She felt like you might need some support after Eddie killed himself. And she was able to be herself in her letters.”
“Oh my gosh.” My heart started pounding.
“I feel bad, you know.” Anna continued. “She’s been enamored with you for so long, but you chose me.”
I stared at her in silence, unsure of what to say. How could I have been so stupid?
“I’ve been jealous of her for so long, you know. She and Luke have been so close and I always feel like the third wheel, but I’ve won the real prize. I lost my virginity to you and now here we are, together.” She giggled and stared at me under her lashes.
“What did you just say?”
“Which part?”
“Nothing.” I didn’t want to hear any of those words again. She had been a virgin? How many virgins at twenty-two were there in Jonesville? And she thought we were together? I didn’t know what to say. This could not be happening to me. Anna was a sweet girl and a pretty girl, but she wasn’t the girl I wanted to be with.
“Do you want to go for breakfast before you take me home?”
“Uhm, I can’t. Sorry.” There was no way I wanted anyone to see me in public with Anna. What if they guessed what had happened and it got back to Lexi? OMG, what if Anna told Lexi? I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Lexi was the one who had sent me the letters. It made so much sense to me now. No wonder she felt my pain about my dad, it was the same pain she felt.
“Oh.” She tapped her fingers across the window. “Maybe you’d like to come to dinner with me and my dad tonight? You could meet my pets.”
“That sounds nice, but I don’t think so.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Anna, I…”
“Don’t say it.” She gave me a pained smile. “I should have known you weren’t ready to date yet.”
“Well, that’s not exactly what…”
“Bryce. It’s okay. I just want to forget last night ever happened.”
“I am so sad, Anna. I took my pills and mixed them with alcohol. I was out of it.”
“Well then.” I could see tears brimming in her eyes.
“I didn’t mean it like that. You are a beautiful woman, Anna, any guy would be happy to have you.”
“Not the ones I want.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Just take me home, please.” She huddled into the door. “I just want to go home.”
“Okay.” I started the engine again. I wanted to ask her to not tell anyone about what had happened, but I wasn’t sure how I could do that without coming off as even more of a prick.
“You don’t have to worry about me telling anyone either,” she whispered. “I’d rather Luke didn’t know.”
“I won’t say a word.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Thanks.” She turned away from me and we rode in silence until we pulled up to her house. “Can I ask you something, Bryce?”
“Sure.”
“Do you miss Eddie?” She cocked her head to the side and looked at me with a weird expression.
“Yes,” I said, softly. “Yes, I miss him a lot.”
“Even after what he tried to do with Anna?”
“Yes.” I looked away quickly. “Why are you asking?”
“I miss him.” She touched my arm and I looked up to see tears running through her eyes. “I really miss him.”
“I...” I paused, unsure of what to say next.
“I tutored him in maths.” She smiled, weakly. “He didn’t want anyone to know, so we never told anyone.”
“I didn’t know.”
“I fell in love with him.” She looked dejected. “I thought he was a better person, but then he tried to rape Lexi and I didn’t know what to say or do. He tried calling me a few times, but I ignored him.”
“I’m sure he understood why.”
“And then he killed himself.” She looked at me with pleading eyes. “Sometimes I think that, if I had just answered the phone and given him a shoulder to lean on, that maybe he’d still be here.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Anna.” I grabbed her hands. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I just never understood why he did that,” she cried out. “I loved him. I didn’t understand why he wanted her and not me.”
I looked at her, feeling her pain and confusion. It was a strange position that we were both in. “And then I feel like some evil human being. How can I be sad that the guy who tried to rape my best friend didn’t like me enough? I’m a mess.”
“Anna. You’re not a mess.”
“Sometimes I just want to die,” she whispered. “I’m always second best.”
“You’re not second best.”
She laughed, bitterly. “That’s rich coming from you, Bryce.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Anna.” I closed my eyes. “I’m not the guy you think I am. You’re better off being with someone who loves you.”
“But no one loves me.”
“Your dad loves you and Lexi loves you.” I rubbed my temples. “That’s two more people that love you and not me.”
“Oh, everyone loves you, Bryce Evans.” She laughed and wiped away her tears. “You’re the golden child of Jonesville.”
“But I shouldn’t be,” I said, under my breath.
“I should go,” Anna sighed. “My dad will be waiting for me.”
“Okay.” I watched her get out of the car and walk to her front door with a heavy heart. I was ashamed of myself for all the pain I had caused her. It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was meant to be different now. My return to Jonesville was meant to be the start of a new journey in my life but I was already screwing up. Only, this time, I had really, really screwed up. I needed to go and see Lexi. And I needed to tell her everything. I needed to tell her how much she meant to me. I needed to tell her I knew about the letters. And I needed to tell her about that night with Eddie. Even if it meant she never wanted to talk to me again.
“You need to tell her about Anna as well,” I mumbled to myself, under my breath and I felt my skin going clammy. But I knew I couldn’t tell her about Anna. That was something I didn’t think she would ever be able to forgive. And I needed her forgiveness. I needed her to accept me into her life. I needed her to heal me.
***
I drove to Lexi’s house. I knew where she lived because Eddie and I had followed her mom home one night, when we’d been spying on my dad. I had known that my dad was cheating, but I hadn’t known who with, and so Eddie and I had followed my dad for two weeks. I’d wondered what this lady had that my mother hadn’t and so we had followed her home. I’d been surprised when I’d seen her: she was pretty, but not prettier than my mother.
Eddie and I had sat outside of her house at least five times waiting to see if anything interesting would happen. We’d seen Lexi once. She had been laughing with her mom about something and it had infuriated me. It was the week after my mom had been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. She had told everyone it was the flu, but I knew the truth. I had heard the doctor talking to her, telling her to lay off the booze. He had suggested she join AA but she had said no, there was no way the Mayor’s wife could show up to AA.
I’m not really sure how we had come up with the plan. Eddie and I had just been sitting there and I had felt such hatred at that time. I had turned to him and made a simple comment about something happening to Lexi to make her mother back off of my father and to just leave him alone. I hadn’t told him to rape her. I would never have suggested such a thing. I never would have thought he could have done such a thing either. He was a good guy. A loyal friend. My best friend.
I sighed as I pulled up outside of her house. So many memories came to mind and I nearly drove away. The closer I was to telling her everything, the less I wanted to. I felt like she was my path to redemption, but I didn’t know if I deserved it. And, if she turned away from me, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I debated backing out and leaving, but I knew that the time had come. We couldn’t move forward in our relationship without her knowing the truth, and without me knowing if she wanted to be with Luke or not. I got out of my car and stretched, feeling more scared that I ever had when I was in the Marines.