She would have rather never touched the sun and experienced the beauty that Wade had so unselfishly given her than to have been shown what she’d been missing all her life only to have it cruelly yanked away.
You don’t miss what you never had. But you mourn what you had and lost forever.
An old saying came to mind, one she’d never paid much attention to. Until now and she realized she didn’t at all agree with the sentiment.
It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Because if she allowed herself to love Wade and lost him, it would destroy her in a way that Thomas never could.
NINETEEN
ELIZA winced when the door opened and slammed with enough force to shake the walls just seconds after she herself had entered the safe house. Slowly she turned to face a very furious Wade. His expression was black and ominous as he stalked toward her.
“What part of me telling you that you were to follow my instructions to the letter did you not understand?” he barked, fury blazing in his eyes.
Her eyes narrowed and she refused to be cowed or to back down even if he was a seething mass of pissed off alpha male.
“And what instructions did I supposedly not follow to the letter, oh lord and master,” she said sweetly, sarcasm dripping from every word.
“Damn it, Eliza! You could have been hurt,” he roared. “That entire crowd was in a feeding frenzy and just looking for someone to take out their anger on. They would have turned on you in a heartbeat and I could be visiting you in the hospital right now or identifying your body in the fucking morgue.”
Some of her annoyance faded and she relaxed her stance, recognizing he wasn’t as angry with her as he’d been worried. Very worried. She softened her tone, losing the sarcasm.
“I had to find out what was going on, Wade. We have a big problem and we now have less than twenty-four hours to make adjustments to our plan of action because the arrogant son of a bitch called a goddamn press conference, and whatever he fed the news sources must have been of major interest because in addition to local coverage, there are stations from San Francisco and Seattle and there’s a fucking CNN and a Fox News crew setting up to cover the event.”
Wade’s lips tightened and his jaw bulged and then he swore viciously.
“He’s up to something,” Eliza said quietly. “And whatever it is, it isn’t good. He’s setting up his play and God only knows what he has up his sleeve.”
“That much is obvious. You think he’s made us or any of your people?”
Eliza shrugged. “I don’t see how he could have. He’s not free yet. He may have eyes and ears on the ground here, but my guys are good. You and your men are good. No way Thomas could know anything except that I’m here.”
Wade’s expression grew savage. She knew he realized the implications of her last statement. That she was here meant whatever he had planned definitely involved her. Then in direct contrast to the anger vibrating his entire body, he gently cupped her cheek and caressed her chin and lips with the pad of his thumb.
“What did the old man say to you?”
There was concern and a distinct edge of protectiveness in his voice.
A knot formed in her throat and, against her will, tears burned the edges of her eyelids.
“What the fuck did he say to you?” Wade demanded fiercely.
She shook her head to let him know he had no reason to be angry with the man who’d spoken to her because he looked as though he was about to go hunt the guy down and mete out serious retribution for causing her upset.
“He was nice,” Eliza choked. “He’s the only person in this entire town who not only was nice but expressed concern for me. He warned me and told me I needed to get out now and go as far away as possible, as quickly as possible.”
“Is that all?” Wade asked gently.
She shook her head again. “He told me that what I did took a lot of courage. That what I did was brave.” The last came out strangled, conveying that the idea of being called brave when she’d been anything but appalled her.
“He was absolutely right,” Wade said, giving her a look that dared her to argue.
“He said everyone thought I was here now because I’m still in love with Thomas and that I came so we could be together when Thomas was released but that he didn’t believe that for a minute. Then he asked me why I was here.”
“And what did you say?”
“I told him that I couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe they would let him go free after what he did and that I had to see for myself.”
She finished in a whisper and then Wade wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly as he soothingly ran his fingers through her hair. She closed her eyes and related everything the man had said to her and his warning that Thomas would seek revenge.
Wade’s hold around her went still and his body coiled, his muscles going rigid. She could feel the fury simmering within him, emanating from him in waves. Eliza knew what she had to tell him, what she had to do could very well shatter the control he was barely clinging to.
But she’d save that for last. He needed to know the first before and then maybe he’d take what she said next a little better. Or so she hoped.
“He won’t hurt me,” she whispered. “He’s obsessed with me. Has always been obsessed with me. He’s sick, twisted and a complete monster, but he treated me like a princess. Like I was the most precious thing in the world.”
When Wade grew even more rigid, she hurried to explain.
“I’m not defending him, Wade. I’m trying to explain him, how he was, how demented he was. How could he have treated me like a queen while torturing and raping and murdering other women? It sickened me to know that I was spared that treatment because he loved me, put me on a fucking pedestal convinced I was perfect and couldn’t bring himself to ever hurt me and so he slaked his perversions on others.”
Wade pressed his lips to the top of her head and simply held her as she continued the painful recount.
“He will want me back, yes. But he won’t use violence. He won’t seek revenge or hurt me. He’ll attempt to manipulate me like he used to. Nothing I felt for him then was real. My feelings for him weren’t my own. They were his. He planted the thoughts, feelings, emotions he wanted me to have for him and he manipulated every aspect of my life. My actions. I thought it was all real, that what I felt for him was my choice, my decision. It wasn’t until I walked out of that courtroom and his connection to me was finally severed that my real feelings emerged and, God, I was sick to my soul over what I allowed him to do. What I allowed myself to become. And how pathetically weak and needy I was that I was such an easy conquest for him. I have never hated like I hated him in that moment. That was real. That was me. Finally myself and capable of having feelings not orchestrated by Thomas. Hatred and revulsion were my true feelings. Because God help me, Wade, even when I discovered what he was, what he’d done, even when I went to the police and when I testified against him, I loved him. I was heartbroken and felt like I was betraying him for turning against him. I still loved him and I can never forget that. Can never forgive myself.”