And he had been one of the biggest traitors of all.
Deacon had been right. How did I reconcile those two halves? And that wasn’t even taking into consideration the fact that there was another girl. Yeah, it all seemed like a moot point, but still. He’d given up everything for her.
Everything.
I passed the coffee table again.
All I could think was that none of this was fair. Here I was, pitying myself and my circumstances, when others had fared much worse than me. This Alex. This Aiden. Seth.
He had gone from being under Ares’s control and made to do terrible things, to doing almost the same for Apollo. That wasn’t fair. It was wrong. And it was sad.
But that didn’t change what he had done.
Was I holding mortal convictions too closely to my heart? I was training to defend myself, to fight. There’d be a chance that one day I would face off with people who, for whatever reason, believed they stood on the right side, and I might have to kill them to protect myself. Even humans did that.
As I neared the door, I heard another one shutting out in the hall, and my heart jumped in my chest. No one else was in the rooms near us. It had to be Seth. Without giving much of a pause to think about what I was doing, I threw open my door and rushed out into the hall, barefoot and all. I reached his door, rapping my knuckles on it.
A moment passed and it swung open. Seth stood there, his hair down, brushing his bare shoulders. He held the black thermal in one hand.
I was unprepared to see him, which meant I probably should’ve thought all of this out first.
“Hey,” he said, stepping aside. “I was going to come to you.”
Stepping into his room for the first time, I realized it looked just like mine. Living area. Bedroom through the narrow doorway, and a kitchen nook to my right. My heart pounded in my chest as I looked up at him.
So many secrets in those amber eyes.
“Did…did you all find anything out?” I asked, clasping my hands together.
“Nope.” Stomach muscles tensed and flexed as he tossed his shirt on the armchair. He then raised his hand, scrubbing his fingers through his hair. “There’s no sign of them. Nothing. Marcus is upping the manpower at the gates, just in case. Hopefully, there’s nothing to be concerned about.”
“I hope,” I murmured, lifting my gaze to his. He was…he was so beautiful, but there was such darkness that had to exist in him.
His brows knitted as he took a step toward me. “Are you okay? Did something happen while I was gone?”
“I know,” I blurted out, and then I locked up. Every muscle.
He frowned. “You know…what?”
“I…I know about Alex,” I said, squeezing my hands together as the frown slipped off his face and his eyes widened. “I know about Ares.”
Seth took a step back as he stared at me. “You do?”
I nodded. My pulse pounded so quickly I feared I’d be sick. “I know everything.”
He stared at me for a long moment, and then his chin lifted. His face went impassive, like a door being slammed shut. “If you know everything, then why are you here, Josie?”
I opened my mouth as I shook my head.
“You should be anywhere but here.”
Should I? I folded my arms across my chest. “I don’t know what to say, Seth.”
“I know what to say for you.” A muscle thrummed along his jaw. “I disgust you. I’m a killer.” His voice was bland and even while I flinched. “You thought what I’d done the last year was forgivable? It’s because you didn’t know everything. When I told you that I was a monster, I wasn’t fooling with you, Josie. I am.”
“No,” I said, and then I spoke up louder. “You gave up everything for Alex and Aiden. You gave up your life.”
“Were you told I was an addict?” When I nodded, he laughed harshly. “And yet…you are here.”
“Seth…”
He shrugged as he tugged the leather band off his wrist and lifted his heavy arms, tugging his hair back from his face. “What life was I giving up? It wasn’t that big of a sacrifice. Trust me. I deserve this. And I deserve what I have coming to me.”
“You didn’t deserve any of this.” I stepped forward, ignoring the way his head swiveled sharply toward me. And the moment the words came out, I knew it was how I felt. Right or wrong, it was just how I felt. “You didn’t deserve to be born to a shitty mom or have a crappy childhood. You sure as hell didn’t deserve to have someone use that against you.”
His chest rose. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know that Alex didn’t deserve everything that was thrown at her. Just like you didn’t. That doesn’t mean you didn’t make some shitty choices in all of it.”
“I’m pretty sure what I did could be summed up a little better than a shitty choice,” he snapped back.
“Okay.” Frustration got the better of me and I stormed forward, stopping short of pushing him. “You did terrible things, Seth. You did horrible things. Is that what you want to hear me say?”
He started to look away.
“No. Is that it? You just want me to keep telling you what you want to believe about yourself? That you don’t deserve happiness? That you’re a monster?”
“That’s because I am one!” he shouted, facing me, and up close, his eyes burned ocher. A shimmer of amber danced down his arms, evaporating so quickly I wasn’t sure I’d seen it. “Why can’t you see that? Everyone else around you does. Wait. Are you just going to stand there and tell me more stories about how you ran over animals?”