He looked like a prepubescent. "I even got a book out of the library. They thought I was teaching my kids." I was forced to hide my grin.
"In some ways my past matters. How do I explain what I don't know to strangers? That's why Julie is so good for me. I can talk to her and she listens. She understands and doesn't make fun of me."
"You know you could go back, and see your own life. Quinn could try different sessions. You wouldn't need a specific date or time and you could probably find your old home, given enough tries."
"No way! I promised all of you I wouldn't go into your lives and I won't go into mine either. It scares the hell out of me. The few people I've met who knew me back then say I'm a different person. I know who I am now; I don't want to meet that other guy."
A few bold pigeons strolled by, looking for a handout but they waddled on down the path. "Do you confide in her?" I asked. It was the million dollar question.
He nodded. "I tell her everything, except the biggest thing in my life. I'll never tell her that. Don't you guys worry."
I tried to comprehend his thought process but I found it irrational. "Do you honestly think you can keep a secret that's a major part of your life from someone who's sharing a bed with you?"
"I have to. I don't want to lose her and there's no way I'll endanger what we're doing. I couldn't live with myself if I wasted this gift I've been given."
I could see I was getting nowhere on my own. "Have you talked to your psychiatrist about your relationship with Julie?"
"Yeah!" His face brightened to a smile. "She thinks it's great I've found someone in my life." The smile dropped as quickly as it had appeared. "She does have a problem with my keeping secrets from Julie. She doesn't understand." While I hadn't known Howie's doctor was a female, I was quite sure she understood far more than naive Howie.
"Is your doctor helping with you nightmares?"
"Yes, and Julie is helping too. She supports my seeing a psychiatrist a hundred percent."
"But Julie doesn't know you're sessions are by phone or what causes the terrible dreams, does she?" He shook his head. "She must be curious," I added.
"I tell Julie the nightmares must be from my past; ghosts trying to get out. They'll go away in time."
"It's not good for a relationship to be built on lies, Howie; or secrets."