He shrugged. “You’ve been talking more and more about being a cop. It’s as if you’re trying to plant it so deep inside you that when it comes to telling your parents you don’t want to be a lawyer, you’ll be in too deep for them to try again to talk you out of being a cop.”
“I hate that you know me so well,” I replied quietly, sadly, without even thinking.
Jake gave a short, sharp huff of laughter, hurt flickering across his countenance. “I guess I deserve that.”
I instantly felt guilty. “Jake, I didn’t mean—”
“I think you did.” He gave me an unhappy, rueful look. “But whether you like it or not, it’s true—I know you. So … talk to me.”
Still sliding down the guilt spiral, I sighed and gave in as recompense for wounding him. “Law school is expensive.”
“That’s it?”
“No. I have the money but it just seems stupid to spend it on law school, especially when my mom needs money for the store.”
Jake gave me a small smile. “You don’t want to go to law school because your mom needs the money more than you do? Charley, you haven’t changed a bit.”
I grunted. “So you keep saying.”
“It’s not a bad thing. But that’s not all, is it?”
“Would you stop doing that? Get out of my head. It’s messy enough in there without you cluttering it up.”
I watched him determinedly keep a straight face. A wise decision. Exhaling, I leaned back against the wall and looked out the window. “The more I try to talk about being a cop with Mom and Dad, the more they push the lawyer thing. I’ve never done anything to let them down before, and if I don’t go to law school, I’d be letting them down hugely. I know I make jokes about it and I tease Rick to mentor me, but in reality, I don’t know if I can let my parents down.”
“If you do what they want, you’d be letting yourself down.” Jake sat up, shifting his chair closer to me and tugging on my hand, demanding my attention. I had nowhere to look but into his sincere eyes. “Baby, since as long as I’ve known you, you’ve wanted to be a cop and Delia and Jim know that. Yeah, it can be a dangerous job. Yeah, they’ll worry about you. I’ll worry about you. But it’s what you want to do. Who knows … you could go to the academy and do a year or two of being a rookie and absolutely hate it. But at least you’ll know. At least you’ll never regret not going for it.”
Unconsciously, I rubbed my thumb across his hand, an affectionate gesture of thanks. “I should talk to them. Make them listen.”
“Yes. You should definitely do that.” He eased back from me, letting go of my hand. I looked away from him again.
“Do you have any regrets?” Why oh why did I ask that?
Clearly I was a masochist.
Jake was silent so long, I didn’t think he was going to answer. Finally, he replied, his voice thick with … everything, “Yeah, I’ve got a few of those.”
Hearing the emotion in his voice, I couldn’t help but turn back to him. I needed to. When I did, I sucked in my breath at the blaze of anguish in his eyes. There was no mistaking that the anguish was all for me. I felt my cheeks burn, my blood quickening with fire in an instant. Dry-mouthed, pulse throbbing, I was frightened to move, sure that if one of us did, something would happen. Something we couldn’t take back.
The door to the kitchen blasted open and Claudia burst in, books tumbling out of her arms as she leapt toward the kitchen table. Once her load was deposited on the table, she turned to us and pulled off her wooly knit cap. “I hate studying.” She pouted, looking adorable with her cheeks rosy red from the cold.
We just stared at her, both of us still trapped in our moment.
Claud made a face. “You two okay?”
I searched my brain for something, anything, to say. “They call studying ‘revising’ here, did you know that?”
Jake laughed shakily and stood up. “I did not know that. Does that make sense? Isn’t revising editing?”
Claudia looked from Jake to me and her eyebrows dipped with suspicion.
“I think you’re right.”
“Hmm.” He nodded and then clapped his hands together. “Well, I’m going to go.” He lifted his chin to me and smiled at Claud as he strolled out of the room.
As soon as we heard the front door shut, Claudia turned to me, her hands braced on her hips. “What the hell was that?”
I opened my mouth to lie and then thought better of it. Instead I groaned and let my head fall between my knees, my hair brushing the ground as I replied, “I think that was Jake telling me he regretted dumping me.”
“WHAT?” My head was suddenly shoved back up, Claudia’s fingers curled in my hair as she stared wide-eyed into my face. “Say again?”
I grabbed her hands, wincing as I uncurled her grip on my hair. “It wasn’t said in so many words.”
“Explain.”
So I did, leaving Claudia convinced that Jake and I were playing with fire. I wasn’t sure she wasn’t wrong. However, I didn’t want to stop hanging out with him. I was afraid I was addicted to him again, and since Melissa obviously didn’t seem to be too bothered by us hanging out, I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it. It wasn’t like I had any intention of making a move on him. Jake might have inadvertently admitted that he regretted leaving me, but that didn’t mean he loved Melissa any less. In fact, I was sure of it.
Sitting in the library I doodled over my lecture notes, willing myself to concentrate.
I didn’t get far, but that wasn’t my fault.
The chair across from me screeched across the floor, the noise jolting me in my seat. Jake slid into it. Seriously, I needed to stop thinking about him. It made him magically appear everywhere!
He beamed at me, dumping his books on the desk. “You found a table? What, did you get here at six o’ clock this morning?”
I blinked. “Where did you come from?”
“Evanston, Illinois.”
I made a face. “Smart-ass.”
“Hey, that’s my line.”
I searched his amused expression for any trace of awkwardness concerning the night before, but nope. Nothing. It was like it had never happened.
Ignoring a prick of anger I settled back in my chair, my demeanor prim. “I hope you haven’t stopped by to bother me. I’m studying.”
Jake pretended to look offended. “Moi? Bother you? As if I would.”
“You’ve been bothering me since the eleventh grade,” I grumbled.
He seemed far too pleased by this, so I thought it necessary to kick him in the shin under the table. “Oww!” he jerked back in shock.
“Ssshh!” the girl sitting at the desk in front of us admonished, glaring.
“Apologies,” Jake raised a hand in placation. “I’m just a victim of violence.”
She glowered harder and then finally looked back down at her books.
“Your charm failed you that time, Caplin.”
“You should know I bruise like a peach,” he sighed, tutting under his breath. “Marring my perfect body with your Uggs … terrible.”
I fought laughter, not wanting to get us kicked out. “Jake, they’re Uggs. How much damage can they do?”
He leaned down to rub his shin. “A f**k of a lot, clearly. That shit hurt.”
“You’re such a baby.”
“What was that?” he cupped his ear toward me playfully. “I’m such a babe?” he winked. “Already know that, sweetcheeks.”
I laughed. “What is with you today? You’re very chipper.”
“You mean for a guy who just got nailed in the shin by a hundred-pound girl?”
“Oh, we are in the mood to charm today.” A hundred pounds, my ass.
“I’m in a good mood.” Jake shrugged, his boyish smile causing heat to spark in me. I wish it wouldn’t. He was acting an awful lot like the old Jake and I had to admit, I’d missed him. “I’m not allowed to be in a good mood?”
I pushed my books to the side, knowing I definitely wasn’t going to get any studying done with him sitting across from me. “Of course you are. I’m just wondering what it’s all about. You’re extra Jake-like today.”
“Extra Jake-like?” He smiled and shrugged. “What is extra Jake-like?”
“I don’t know.” I fiddled with my pen as I tried to pinpoint what it was exactly that was making him extra Jake-like. “Lighter,” I said suddenly. “You’re lighter. Like you used to be. Ever since … and even now, you seem …”
“Seem what?” His amusement had left him and he was leaning across the table, his eyebrows drawn together.
I didn’t know if it was wise to finish my sentence, but since we’d been teetering on a lot of cliff edges lately, I didn’t think one more would make a difference. “More serious. Which is only natural with everything … and you being older …” I trailed off.
He huffed and sat back in his chair. “Only natural,” he agreed.
Silence fell between us and I wished to God I hadn’t said anything. I’d ruined his good mood.
“I do feel lighter lately, though.”
I couldn’t look at him. If I looked at him, I’d only find ways to make it seem like that meant something, something to do with us. Honestly, I just really needed to start remembering there was no longer an “us.”
“Good,” I muttered, pulling a book back to me. “I’m glad.”
When I didn’t say anything else, Jake shifted in his chair. When I still didn’t say anything, he shifted again. Finally he threw a pen at me.
“What, are we twelve?” I threw his pen back.
“I wanted your attention.” He was back to boyish Jake. Pity I found him irresistible.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I relaxed back in my chair. “Okay, well, you have it.”
“So,” Jake leaned forward, hands clasped in front of him, as if we were sitting down to discuss something of great import. “Have you noticed what’s been going on with Beck and Claudia?”
I choked on a giggle. “You want to gossip with me?”
He lowered his voice, “It’s better than studying.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that.” I pushed my books out of the way once more. “They’re definitely into one another but Beck seems reluctant to start a relationship.”
“That’s because Beck doesn’t do relationships.”
Jake gestured me closer and when he spoke, it was a whisper. “Shit family life. I’m the closest he’s got to family. It’s messed up his whole thinking but I leave him to it. Still, I’ve noticed he’s been agitated lately. In particular these last few days …”
I nodded knowingly. “Claudia started dating this Scottish guy.”
Jake sighed. “I wish Beck would pull his head out of his ass.”
“Should we help him?”
“Pull his head out of his ass?”
“Yeah. I know Claudia cares about him and it’s obvious he cares about her. Maybe there’s some way we could give them a little shove?”
“Would you like someone to give you a little shove in your relationship?” Jake looked less than convinced.
I shuddered at the thought of someone interfering with mine and Jake’s fragile friendship. “Okay, good point.”
“I just wanted to know if you knew if Claud felt the same way, that’s all.”
“Why?”
“Something might still come of it. For Beck’s sake, I hope it does. He needs someone like Claudia in his life. She’s a great girl.”
I smiled affectionately. “She is. She’s the best.”
“You didn’t have a friend like her in high school.”
I thought of Lacey and Rose and our somewhat shallow friendship. “No, I did not.”
“But for now, I guess we just sit back and watch the show.”
I thought of the relationship that had built between Claudia and Beck over the last few months. They seemed very close but because there was this animal attraction there, the whole friendship seemed ready to implode. As I stared at Jake, it occurred to me that our friendship might be mirroring our friends’.
Since I was choosing to believe we had more control over our relationship, I pushed that scary, ticking-bomb thought to the back of my head.
“What are you thinking?” He cocked his head to the side, his lids lowered in thought.
Before I had to scramble for a lie, a shadow fell over our desk. Melissa stood staring at us, books pressed tight to her chest. Everything about her was tense and I knew right away when her gaze fell on me that it was because of my presence. More to the point, it was because I was in Jake’s presence. Alone.
Huh. I thought she was over it.
“What are you doing here?” she asked Jake quietly. There was a definite note of accusation in her voice.
“Studying,” he answered calmly, but I could hear the edge in his answer.
Melissa pointedly looked at our unopened books. “I’m going back to my dorm to study. Come with?” It wasn’t really a question. Her cheeks were flushed and her mien was brittle. She was roaring for a fight.
Resolved to his impending doom, Jake gave her a tight nod and stood, collecting his books. For the millionth time I ignored the ache in my chest at the sight of them together, both dark and tall and beautiful. They were perfect for one another.