‘We are bound to develop intimacy, given our mutual liking,’ she couldn’t help but think about her future afresh. ‘Then, won’t I turn vulnerable in time? Would it take much for him to pull me into his embrace? What if, after having had his fun with me, he goes back to Delhi for further merriment? All said and done, won’t it be risky courting him?’
But, as the prospect of losing him didn’t appeal to her, she took him on a ride to her soft spot. ‘Would it be fair to put him on a perpetual trial?’ she thought, feeling guilty for having doubted his integrity. ‘Hasn’t he proved that he’s a changed man? What has his past got to do with our future life? Didn’t he pay the price for it in full measure? After all that suffering would he ever cause suffering to others? And hasn’t he proved his mettle by funding the very roof that shelters me? Isn’t that enough to be indebted to him all my life? What is it if not a paranoia to focus on his past, ignoring his current credentials? How unkind of me to think he would take advantage of women, given his zeal to help them! What if he really proposes?’
The possibility of her marrying him made her speculate her life as his wife.
‘Would he make a normal husband with that troubled background?’ she found herself thinking. ‘Oh, what would happen, should his misogamist tendencies resurface in due course? And won’t his past haunt me in his intimacy? Would I be able to lead a normal life with him? Won’t that affect his psyche in turn? We may then end up in the adalat midway during the honeymoon itself! Is it not the time to pause and grasp?’
So, she tried to analyze the impact of his crime and punishment on their married life. Getting no clear picture herself, she thought he should’ve done his homework to handle his inhibitions. She would be on hand as well to help him in the course correction in case of deviation. After all, they were in love and that would ensure a head start, sexually and otherwise too. Hadn’t she come to admire his nature and character as well? What could be a better recipe for a spicy married life than passionate love? But, as she remembered the love her father once showed her, she turned skeptical about love itself.’
‘Human proclivity is a tenuous thing, isn’t it?,’ she contemplated, bogged down by self-doubt. ‘It could be possible that the force of circumstances and the burden of guilt have brought about the apparent change in him! And when his past wounds would have healed, what’s the guarantee that he won’t sink into depravity all again? Given his good looks, he’s bound to enamor women, and then his status would only add to his attraction? Why, his wealth is bound to provide him the means to turn into a playboy in spite of me. In that case, as his neglected wife, it would make my life miserable. Would I then go his mother’s way? Oh, what a dreadful prospect that would be! And that might rake up the past wounds to compound guruji’s pain!’