The Diary Of Pamela D. - Page 73/114

Only half listening, Pamela felt as though her life was cursed, that her soul was turning to cold ashes. Some perverse inner voice told her that the moment Theo was done, he would get up and walk out of her life forever, abandoning her to her fate. When he finished, however, he said very quietly, 'You shouldn't have asked me . . . What am I saying? I shouldn't have told you. Come, finish your tea. We have better things to do than dwell upon what can't be changed.'

She responded to the unmistakable note of kindness in his voice, however small, and let him take her to a jeweller where he bought her a wedding and engagement set, and a plain, white gold band for himself. She chose a set that was relatively inexpensive, but told him that she had chosen it because the diamonds were small and deeply recessed into white gold bands that seemed a close match to his own. She told him that the other women were forever having to remove their rings and put them in a glass over the sinks when doing housework, largely because the stones were sharp, stuck out, and caught and snagged on everything. With a shrug he accepted this as being practical, but added, 'Once we're married, don't expect to be wearing a maid's uniform.'

This had the unintended effect of making her feel both guilty and useless: guilty because it would very probably affect her relationship with the staff she thought of as her own family, and useless because she would no longer be earning her keep.

As they left the jeweller, he removed the engagement ring from its box, took her hand, and placed it on her finger. 'There,' he said, 'doesn't that strike you as being a trifle more respectable? We are now engaged. But not officially. I'll make the announcement when we return.'

As they walked back to the car, Pamela wondered at her own thoughts. 'This doesn't feel like being engaged. It doesn't feel like anything.' To her surprise, however, before she could get in the car, he seemed to make a point of opening the door for her. She wondered what this signified as they got underway and began the journey home.

They no sooner entered the house when Theo called everyone together and made the announcement. Pamela found herself not wanting the attention, wishing she was away from Dewhurst Manor long enough to collect her wits. Because Theo had made no promise of love to her, because it had seemed more like a business transaction than a proposal, she felt false, that she was misrepresenting herself as the people she now thought of as her family wished her well, congratulated the pair, and expressed their hope for the couple's future happiness. Mrs. Dewhurst wasn't as blind to Pamela's apprehension, however, and soon found an excuse to draw the girl aside for some "motherly advice."