He closed his eyes for a second, chasing away the memories. He shook his head, "Some things you see, and no matter how many wrongs you right in the world, God still doesn’t take the vision of those things away. You cannot unsee those things because God wants you to remember always what the cost of a soul is."
My eyebrows pulled together, "I'm sorry, Gustavo."
He shook his head, "Don’t be. I regret nothing." His eyes found mine again, "Except seeing you. I wish to God I had never seen you. I have never been in as much danger as I am with you."
I ran my hands down his cheeks, pulling his face with them, "I don’t regret anything."
His lips twitched before they landed on mine. The heat from them was intense, even compared to the water coming down on us. He lifted me up into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist.
I smiled into our kiss, "I like our shower talks, even when they scare me."
He laughed, "We will always have the shower, Evie." Something was different with his kiss. I could feel it. It was passionate and desperate. He was kissing me the way Jack kissed Luce. He was eager and needy for me. His hands and arms held me like I was fragile. There was no f**king, taking, or hurting to get pleasure. He stroked my body, kissing and touching in appreciation of me. It felt like worship.
Our bodies slipped and slid against each other under the spray of the water. We kissed and touched, softly rubbing against one another, until finally his body entered mine with a gentle push. I lowered myself onto him completely as he held me against the shower wall. I rested my feet in the soap holders and rocked against him. He moved fluidly in and out of me, like a boat on the waves. His lips pressed into my neck and collarbone, as his hands massaged my ass. I was nearly drowning in pleasure when I cl**axed. The buildup was slow and steady, something he and I never really did. I wrapped around him tightly, gripping his meaty body with mine as the orgasm overwhelmed me and crashed. I cried out, almost slipping but he held me up, still moving at a perfect pace to continue my convulsions and suckling my br**sts, flicking my ni**les and biting them. The sound, I only ever made for him, slipped from my lips.
He kissed and sucked my bottom lip as I moaned, "I lied. I lied. I love you, Gustavo. I have loved you all along. You scare me, but I love it."
He started to pound into me, "Take it back."
I shook my head against his face. He pushed my back against the shower hard. His balls began slapping against my a**hole. I dug my feet into the soap holders and let him ravish me. His body pumped against and into mine, stretching and bending every part of me. I felt his orgasm fill me as he groaned into my ears. Finally calm, he nodded, whispering. "Take it back."
I shook my head against his again, "I can't."
"You have to." He looked down on me through his long bangs with water pouring off of him, and I took a mental picture of him. I would always see him as vulnerable and desperate. I loved him, no matter how much I hated him or feared him—I loved him.
Chapter Twelve
The End of Fear, okay I wish
Servario gave me an uncertain look as we rode down in the elevator, "You sure?"
I nodded, "I am." I wasn’t, but I didn't know what else to do.
He shook his head, "There is no going back."
A slow smile crossed my lips, "That ship's sailed, my friend. I'm in it to win it, and thanks to James, I'm balls deep already."
He winced, "That’s a disturbing image."
My smile widened, "I need you to promise me, you are on my side or at least the side of good."
His green eyes were alive with something I told myself was love, "I have always been on the side of good, Evie."
I noticed that he didn’t say my side. It made my chest feel like it weighed a ton but I nodded, "Okay, let's do this."
When the elevator landed, he grabbed my arm a bit harshly and pulled me through the lobby to the waiting car. The driver opened the door, hardly giving me a look. I didn’t know him.
Servario shoved me into the seat and sat next to me. I looked out over the city as it was blanketed in the fading light of the fall sun and tried not to throw up. Servario's body pressed against mine making me shiver.
None of us spoke. Not me, not Servario, and not the guard or driver. The drive was smooth and silent. The driver struck me as an actual professional, not a Steve.
The people of Rome were oblivious to the bad things going on in their city. They smiled as they walked along the streets gracefully or rode their bikes. They looked like the images from a famous photographer I had once seen in a coffee-table book. People of every shape and size just going about life in a harmonious state of oblivion.
All the while they walked in the crisp air of fall, I rode to the possible death of myself and the man next to me. The man who owned my body and soul.
I looked out over the city and smiled; I had come to terms with something and it was a relief to have the outspokenness of it off of my chest.
I loved him. It was final. There was no disputing my feelings for him. My fear of him would never be as large as my love for him. But my love was never going to be enough to save him from the life he had chosen.
The love of him was not the thing that had weighed upon my chest. No. It was the fact we would never be together. That was what I had refused to say out loud. I had refused to acknowledge. But in his arms, wrapped in sheets and blankets and his body, we admitted it. In a random hotel, in an ancient city where my love would not be the first to perish before it even started, we admitted it.
We would never be together.
Once it was spoken aloud, I felt the relief of the agony. I felt free of him in a way that I never wanted. My heart was broken, but it was the cost of everything else.
The driver stopped in front of what I had to assume was the ruins of Caesar's Curia. Servario got out of the car abruptly, dragging me with him. He didn’t put on a show. His anger and pain were real. He had begged me to run and I had refused. Coop was right, fighting was the only real way to end it. No, Servario's hatred of me was real. He hated how much he loved me, it made the thin line between the love and hate blur for him. He could hate me, he could hate the fate we faced. But I still only loved him.
As we stormed up to the Curia, I tripped but his hand didn’t relent. He squeezed my arm, dragging me through the ruins and the shadows. I wondered how many people had been dragged through such an ancient area. How many people had lost their lives in that place.
When I saw him through the doorway, my stomach clenched. When his eyes met mine, James started to laugh instantly. "You are so predictable, Evie. You always were. I knew you would find your way to Rome to help poor Servario. When I saw Luce at the Casino, I never imagined I could get that lucky. You not only come back to Rome, but you bring someone I know." He laughed at his own brilliance. He was like a showy peacock. He strutted about shaking his head and chuckling. It was sickening to see him so satisfied with himself. His eyes landed on me again, "I couldn’t believe when I got the call from the front desk of the hotel that the beautiful girl I was looking for was staying there." He pointed at Servario, "It's lucky you got Evie here strung out on you so she endangered her friends and came looking for you. I got to pay lovely Luce back for something that I have wanted to for a while."
I snarled but something happened we hadn’t planned on, Servario struck me, hard. Instantly my mouth filled with blood. He dropped me to the stone floor as the door behind me closed. The light was dim, making shadows everywhere around me. I started to panic. We had talked about that happening, but I was still scared.
James dropped to his knee with the help of his cane. He grabbed my face in his hands, squeezing my cheeks, "You always were so easily led. Easily convinced to quit CI for the sake of our kids. Easily convinced to move to an area we couldn’t afford so I had to take all the overtime I could. So easy to lead about." His eyes were haunting and his smile was a cruel thin line. He was not the man I had married. I almost had no feelings, not even hatred for him. He was so detached and unfeeling. I thought about my kids and my father and forced my rage.
I smiled through his grip on my face, "What did you expect, James? A decade of your tiny cock? Of course I would jump at the first chance to be properly f**ked."
His grip tightened as he shoved my face back, "Back at you, baby."
I laughed, spitting blood to the cold floor. I imagined it was not the first time the ancient stone tiles had seen blood spilled upon them.
He stepped backward, limping and giving Servario a nod, "I never imagined for a second, you were really the cold bastard they always said you were. I always believed there was a small amount of something good inside of you. The way you freed those girls last year had me worried."
Servario shook his head, "I like to be that unknown variable. Now you have her, give me what I want."
James put his hand in his pocket. When he pulled it out, he handed a phone to Servario. The way he grabbed it made me uneasy. He was desperate for it. Whatever the information was on the phone, he wanted it more than anything. He sighed, seeing whatever was on the screen. He put a hand out for James, "I had better not see my name brought into anything else again, my friend. You name me as part of the Burrow again, and I won't be as lenient as I was. You've ruined all sorts of deals for me, cost me millions."
James laughed, "You can count on me leaving you alone, Servario." There was something in his eyes when he said it. Like he was laughing at his own joke again. The flash in his eyes was gone when he suddenly realized Servario was leaving with whatever was on that phone. "After you give me my money—Servario? I know it was you who took it."
Servario grinned, "What money, James? You mean the money you lost when you reneged on our deal to find the Burrow together?"
James looked like he might snap, "I want my money. The deal was her for the…"
Servario put a hand up, cutting him off. "The original deal was you and I find the Burrow. You use your supposed CI and MI6 contacts and get me the weapons. The deal was never you double-crossing me with that bitch Roxy. Now you have the audacity to talk about the deal? The deal changed when you let your c*ck do the decision making for you. I let you live, that’s the new deal." He winked at me, "Ask Evie where the money is. You're damned right I stole it, and I gave it to her as payment for a fun week. She was very obliging. You're lucky I never shot you like I did Roxy."