I yank my hands from his and push him back. “And kissing me? Was that part of my rehabilitation?” I’m embarrassed saying it, feeling cheated somehow. Used.
Realm shakes his head. “No, it wasn’t. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Then why did you?”
Realm lowers his eyes. “I care about you. I’m lonely too. Just because I’m not a patient doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the same isolation you guys do. I’ve been here five weeks, Sloane. I want to leave. And I want to take you with me.”
I push him again, backing him to the bed. He doesn’t try and protect himself. The thought that Realm could have left at any point while I was held against my will makes me hate him. “Roger?” I ask suddenly. “Was he a part of this too?”
“No,” Realm says. “I mean, he used to be. But not anymore. He had no right to do the things he did. I didn’t know, I swear—”
“Yes, because your word means so much now.”
“I didn’t, Sloane. I would have done anything to protect you.”
“Is that before or after you helped them erase my life? Do you think I can forgive that? Do you think I can ever get over that?”
“I hope so,” he says. “I . . .” He stops, and his pale skin is even more white than usual—like he might get sick. “I have nothing. And this is the first time I thought I might be able to build a life again. When I leave here, I’ll have six weeks off before returning to The Program at a different facility. I’m under contract for two years—a contract I can’t break or they’ll erase everything about me. I’m trying to save both of us, and I thought that once you were released, we could be together.”
I laugh. I know it’s cruel, but I don’t care. I’m so hurt that I want to be mean. I want him to know what he’s done to me.
“Well,” I say, “that’s never going to happen. Your contract might end sooner than you think because it doesn’t look like my therapy is going to take, Michael.” I growl his name.
Realm grabs my wrists hard then, pulling me toward him. “Don’t say that. You’re getting out of here. But you don’t leave by fighting. They’ll never let you out that way.”
I scoff. “What do I have to do then? Kiss you until I’m released?”
He drops his arms. “No, and I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore. Please believe me when I say that wasn’t part of this. I kissed you because I wanted to. You’re strong and smart, and you make me want to live, Sloane.” He looks in my eyes. “But you can’t tell anyone about this. You’ll compromise me.”
There’s a loud knock at the door, and we both jump. I wipe again quickly at my face as Realm’s eyes flick between me and the door. The handle turns, and Nurse Kell pops her head in. “I have your medication, dears,” she says, her voice sickly sweet. Her shoulders are rigid, and I think that she’s been looking for us for a while.
“Take it,” Realm murmurs to me as he grabs the cup the nurse is holding out to him. He dips his chin to her in appreciation, and I reach for the other cup on the tray.
My hands are shaking so badly, I’m sure Nurse Kell has to notice. I stare down into the Dixie cup but don’t take the white pill. Instead I look back at Realm defiantly. His expression weakens, as if begging me.
“No,” I tell Nurse Kell. “I’m fine without it tonight.” I put the cup back on the tray and turn, walking across the room to stand by Realm’s side table. My entire body is pulsing with anger and hatred. I’m going to tear this f**king place apart.
I hear Realm whisper something to her, but I don’t turn to look. They can both go to hell. Dr. Warren can go to hell. I don’t even want to get out anymore. I just want to take them down.
“Okay, then,” Nurse Kell says with a forced cheerfulness. “Everyone else is in the leisure room if you care to join them.”
“We’ll be out in a second,” Realm answers. I look over then and see him watching me, his brow creased with concern. Nurse Kell bites her lip and then backs out, leaving us alone again.
“What was in the medication?” I ask.
He looks defeated. “Something to relax you.”
“And what was in yours, Michael?”
“Same as always. Sugar pill.”
I cross the room and slap him. My palm stings as it connects with his cheek. He flinches from the pain and then turns fiercely and grabs me by my shoulders, backing me hard against the wall as I gasp. A red handprint is obvious on his face and he’s exhaling quickly, like he’s about to lose it on me.
“Hit me,” I snarl. “I dare you to throw me down and report me. Because there is no way in hell I’ll let you get away with this.” I lean close to his face. “I’ll tell everyone.”
The anger in Realm’s expression fades, his grip loosens. We’re against each other, breathing heavily. But instead of turning me in, Realm puts his mouth over mine and kisses me hard. I try to yank away at first, but in his lips is intensity and passion. It’s a sort of comfort that I’ve missed. Despite everything that’s happened, this feels real. And I need something to be real after all the lies. I stop fighting.
And just as I let his tongue touch mine, something pierces my thigh. I cry out and push Realm back. He’s holding a needle, fluid still dripping from the tip.
His eyes start watering. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I can’t let them erase me.”
“What did you do?” I cry out, completely stunned and horrified. “Realm, what did you just do?”
“I had to, Sloane.” He holds out his hand to me, but I slap it away and rush past him.
“Don’t touch me!” I scream, pulling open his door. I’m scared he’s going to follow me, so I try to hurry to my room. But I’m only halfway down the hall when I feel the first wave of medication crash over me. I stumble forward, not sure how I’m going to make it to my bed.
This is like the effect of the yellow pill that Dr. Warren gives me, only stronger. I suddenly think that The Program is going to kill me for finding out about Realm. That Realm is going to kill me. I stagger in my doorway and then fall, my knee hitting the white floor hard.
I’m on my hands and knees, the room tipping from side to side in front of me as I crawl toward the safety of my bed.