“I’m sorry—” I start to say, but he shakes his head.
“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about,” he answers, sounding kind. Polite. He turns then, walking out into the hall, and all I can do is follow him. My eyes are stinging with the start of tears. I don’t want him to leave.
When he gets to the back door, he pauses, holding it open, but not looking back. “I really am sorry about your brother, Sloane,” he says.
And I don’t have time to answer before he leaves me standing alone in my kitchen.
CHAPTER NINE
I LIE IN MY BED, THE PURPLE RING ON MY FINGER. Why would I save something like this? It’s just a cheap plastic ring. I bring my hand closer, praying for some clarity. But it doesn’t come.
Turning on my side, I examine the picture again. It makes my heart ache to see how happy Brady looks, and to know I’ll never see that expression again. And next to him is James, just as carefree.
I’m confused and hurt by how James treated me today. I don’t understand if I said something wrong, pushed him too far. I thought he was having the same feelings, but I guess not. I can’t wrap my brain around his behavior, and more than that, I feel rejected.
I’m just looking for what I lost.
• • •
I avoid James when I go back to school, which is just as well since Kevin seems to be constantly at my side. I half expect to find him in the bathroom with me when I brush my teeth at night. But when I hit week two of recovery, he pulls me aside in the hallway after math class.
“Here,” he says, handing me a small piece of paper. I look down at the address on it, and then at him.
“Michael will be waiting for you.” Kevin nods toward the paper. “But Sloane,” he says cautiously, “they’ve pulled me off your case. I’m not sure if you’ll get a new handler or . . . what is going on. That’s why I’m giving you Michael’s contact info.” He exhales then, as if he’s truly sad to leave me here. And although I’m glad to not have him watching me anymore, I hope they don’t give me another handler.
“Be careful,” Kevin whispers as he backs away, watching me until he turns to leave.
I wait a beat. Kevin seemed nervous about something, but Realm will know what’s going on. He always seems to know everything.
“Sloane?”
I’m staring blankly into my locker when he says my name. James is next to me, and I immediately roll my eyes. “Go away,” I say. “I’m not in the mood for your hot and cold affection today.”
“You’re saying you want my affection?” He grins, but I don’t return it.
“Look,” I tell him. “Just because I said that I thought we’d”—I lower my voice—“comforted each other before, doesn’t mean I was propositioning you. You didn’t have to run off and make me feel stupid like that.”
His smile fades. “I know.”
I wait, but he doesn’t expand. “You know? Wow, thanks for the apology. Nice talking with you, James.” I move to walk away, but he reaches out to take my elbow.
“Wait,” he says quietly. “Don’t be mad. I have my reasons.”
“And you don’t care to share them?”
“Not really. But maybe I’m not as tough as you think.” I’d say he was repeating some cheesy line he’d heard in a movie except for the fact that he looks miserable when he says it. I gently take my arm from his grasp before people notice.
“So what do you want now?” I ask him seriously.
“I wish I knew, Sloane. But I am interested in finding out more about your brother. About . . . you. I mean, we could have all been friends.”
I nod. “You looked pretty happy in the picture.”
“I just wish we could get our memories back.”
It occurs to me then that Realm might know what to do. He’s always been one step ahead, always known more about The Program than anybody.
“There is someone,” I say. “He was my friend in The Program, and he’s really smart. He might know what to do.”
James looks me over as if trying to decipher some secret code, but then he shrugs. “Okay, who is he?”
“His name is Realm, and I have his address. I’m going to show up and see if he can help.”
“Sounds like a terrible plan.”
“Got a better one?”
James laughs. “Sloane, I never have a plan. Tell you what, how about you sneak out of your house tonight and meet me on the corner of Barron and Elm. I’ll drive you to your boyfriend’s house.”
Realm’s not my boyfriend, but I decide not to deny or acknowledge it. I agree to meet James at the corner at six, but I can see the uncertainty in his eyes, as if he’s still trying to figure out who Realm is to me. And I leave him like that, glad to let him wonder about me for once.
• • •
The house is set back from the street, hidden down a long gravel driveway behind large trees. As we pull up, the rocks crunch under the tires, and I take in how isolated it looks. A small wood-shingled house surrounded by a forest, a few dead flowers in the beds.
“You sure you know this guy?” James asks. “This looks like a place where unsuspecting teenagers come to have sex and get murdered.”
I laugh and look sideways at him. “Don’t embarrass me in front of my friend. Realm’s a good guy.”
“Was he more than a friend? Not that it’s any of my business.” He lowers his eyes. A sudden rush of guilt spreads over me.
“No, it’s okay to ask. He, um . . . It was complicated, I guess.”
James doesn’t say anything but I can feel a heavy silence fill the car. Not sure what else to do, I open the door and get out, waiting for James to follow me up to the house. On the front porch, I’m overwhelmed with nervousness and excitement. I’m about to see Realm again. It’s been over a month. Will he look different? I know I do.
The door opens just a crack as he peers out, reminding me of how he would do that in The Program when we were sneaking around. My smile spreads, and then the door flies open and Realm steps forward, swinging me into a big hug before I can even get a look at him.
“Hey, sweetness,” he says, crushing me against him. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
Realm smells good, not like detergent and soap, but of clean skin. A hint of cologne. I pull back to look at him. His hair is shorter, his complexion less ghostly. It’s then that he notices James leaning against the porch railing.