“Do you ever wish I was different? That I was more like Angel?” My sister was the living embodiment of “girl”. Mom delighted in her penchant for fashion and socializing.
Mom chuckled as she put the lid back on the ointment. The smile on her face was genuine as she tried to figure out the cup holder, causing a bit of my tension to loosen.
“A girly Scout. Now there would be something to behold.” She brushed the hair from my shoulder and I had to blink back the tears. “Strong. Intelligent. A bit of a smart alec and growing up way too fast for her parents’ comfort. That’s the Scout I love. If you were too busy painting your nails and going on shopping sprees to tumble with the boys, you wouldn’t be you.”
I looked out across the forest surrounding our house, watched as the sun shining through the leaves danced across the grassy floor where two squirrels scampered to and fro. I wondered if Mom could even see them at this distance. I knew she couldn’t smell them, that she didn’t want to chase them down and…
I sucked in a deep breath, shaking that thought from my head.
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” I admitted, my heart in my throat.
“You’re you, Sweetie. You will always be you, no matter what happens.”
“I threw Jase through a kitchen chair. That’s not me. That’s—” I stopped myself, unable to say it and knowing she didn’t want to hear it.
“And two years ago you gave him a black eye with a baseball bat.”
“That was an accident.” I’m really bad at organized sports.
“And so was this.”
I wanted to believe her. Desperately. But I remembered what Talley said. Wolf Scout was still me. She was the Scout who operated off emotion and instinct instead of rules and logic. Part of me, the real me, had wanted to hurt Jase like he had hurt me.
“I don’t want to be a monster.”
Mom turned, her hand warm on my arm. “Then don’t be.”
***
After Mom went back inside and I ceased to be amazed at the cool silver color my hand turned, I found myself wandering in the woods. Going back into the house meant seeing how bad I’d hurt Jase and trying to avoid Charlie, who I found myself aching to be near despite everything. And, of course, that just made me feel guilty and disloyal and whole bunch of other really crappy emotions. Solitude and fresh air seemed like a much better option.
It was weird though, being out in the wild. As kids, we all spent most of our waking hours outside exploring and building forts and all those other normal little kid things, but as we grew up, we found ourselves spending less and less time with Mother Nature. We were too busy juggling a million different activities and full social calendars. (Okay, Jase’s calendar was full and mine mostly involved reading books or hanging out with Talley.) When we did find ourselves with free time, we stayed in the air-conditioning, face glued to a computer or TV screen.
Walking down old foot paths and splashing through the creek, I mourned the loss of carefree summer days spent in the woods. I had forgotten the beauty of wild flowers bursting out of the ground and the pleasure gained from letting the sun warm your face.
Without conscious thought, I ended up at the same patch of forest where I once watched snow fall on Christmas night. My fingers skated across the crumbling bark of a fallen tree. Memories were like a real, living thing in the air around me. A dimpled smile. Laughing grey eyes. A kiss under the stars and snow.
Grampa Hagan died when I was twelve. At his funeral, his sister Kathy flung herself across the casket, screaming and sobbing. When I remarked on the scene, Dad had been quick to tell me not to be so judgmental. “Grief is a power thing, Scout,” he said, his voice still carrying the loss of his first wife. “The pain overpowers all reason. People behave in ways they would never dreamt possible. You never know how you’ll react to someone you love being ripped from you until it happens.”
I silently took his sage fatherly advice, but knew when the day came, I wouldn’t be getting snot all over the casket spray. I never would’ve believed that five years later I would be found face down on the ground, tears turning the dirt to mud.
“His scent has been gone for months.”
I knew he was right, but still I didn’t move. He had stood on this spot and kissed me for the first time. He had been real and alive and mine. Why could I smell the footprints of mice, birds, and rabbits, but not him?
“Come on, Scout.” A gentle hand tugging the hair off my face. A whisper of lips atop my head. “I brought you some food.”
“I’m not hungry.” My heart hurt too much to eat. Whoever said God wouldn’t give you more than you could handle was a liar. Alex. Changing. Talley. Charlie. Jase. It was all too much for me.
I expected him to either keep badgering me or leave, but instead Jase just sat on the ground beside me, uncharacteristically silent. Eventually the tears stopped falling and I began to feel ridiculous wallowing on the ground. Jase passed a bottle of water without comment after I pulled myself up.
“What are Charlie and Talley doing?” I could sense them somewhere nearby, but not close enough to actually scent or hear them.
“They’re giving us much needed sibling bonding time.”
“Talley’s words.”
“Verbatim.” He offered me a Snickers, but I refused.
Jase’s lip was split open and bruises were forming all over his face, neck, and arms. He was wearing shorts, so the huge bandage covering his leg was evident, as was the blood which had managed to soak through.
“This is were I’m supposed to apologize, isn’t it?”
“What? No. What do you have to apologize for?”
“Jase, I literally tried to rip out your throat.”
“One, I deserved it. Two, dominance challenges are a normal part of Shifter life. And three, you’re my Pack Leader, and I questioned you. You’re supposed to do that. Toby once broke Makya’s arm because he disagreed with our dinner selection.”
“Toby broke Makya’s arm just because he wanted a pizza?”
“We had pizza. Makya wanted barbecue, and he was being more than a little obnoxious about it.”
I didn’t doubt the obnoxious part, but even that didn’t warrant a broken appendage. I took a swig of water to wash down the bile in the back of my throat. “That’s insane.”