“You know, it’s really rude to accept a meal from someone without sticking around to socialize. What would you do if one of your dates ran off before you could ‘talk’?” I added both air quotes and a wink for emphasis.
Jase provided his favorite hand gesture.
It took a few more minutes of groveling on Jase’s part (with Charlie providing the monologue), but eventually I deigned to let them leave, my heart miraculously light. I didn’t even mind too much that Charlie had somehow managed to sneak the tickets into his pocket and pay for them on his way out.
“That’s the most he’s said to me in a lifetime,” I said to Talley as they slipped out the back door.
“Give it time,” she said as we watched the boys through the window. “Alex’s death has damaged you both. It’s not the sort of thing that is going to fix itself overnight.”
I shrugged, some of the ease and comfort slipping out of the parking lot with Jase and Charlie.
“Scout, we need to talk.”
I still didn’t look at her. I could tell by her tone this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have.
“I heard you last night before you shut me out. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“He’s dead, Scout. You were there. Not even a Shifter could survive that much damage.”
I concentrated on finding abstract images in the maple syrup on my plate.
“You went to his funeral. He’s dead. You’re going to have to accept that before you can start to heal.”
I snapped, all the feelings and thoughts I’d been trying to deny since the graveyard raging to the surface. “He’s alive. I know it. I’ve seen him. At the funeral and in the woods. He’s trapped in his wolf form, but it’s him, Talley. I know it.”
She reached for my arm, but I jerked away.
“I know you want to believe it’s him—”
“It is him!”
“No, it’s not, Scout. We buried him two months ago.”
“We buried an empty casket!” I finally looked up and met her eyes. “He wasn’t in there. He’s out there, alive. I know it.”
Talley’s eyes went wide. “How..how did you know the casket is empty?”
“I don’t know how I do, but I know it’s true. The moment I felt of the casket I knew there was nothing inside.” I needed her to see the truth. “Don’t you get it? He somehow managed to Change back to his wolf form and heal. We just have to figure out how to let him Change back. Maybe all he needs is time to heal completely, or to be around people and remember who he is.”
Talley did not reflect my optimism. “Oh, Scout. You have to know that’s not possible. You know he’s gone.”
“The casket was empty!”
“Because we cremated the body!” Her mouth snapped shut, trying to recapture the words that were already out. Several heads turned our way.
I felt like reality was fracturing around me, hope floating away like ash. “You what?”
Her eyes were pleading. “It’s Shifter custom. We can’t risk someone doing an autopsy.”
“How…” My mouth was moving, but nothing was coming out. “Nevermind. I don’t want to know.” I took deep breaths, willing my extravagant breakfast to stay in my stomach. I lost myself in the bubbles floating to the top of my soda for several minutes, waiting for something that resembled an emotion to break through.
“He’s dead.”
“I’m sorry, Scout.” I felt her hand on my back. My skin was still tender from the Change, but the pain was muted. Everything was muted. “I knew you wanted to believe he was still around, but I thought it was just a normal part of grieving. I never thought you really believed he was still alive. I should have said something sooner.”
“And the dreams? They’re not real either, are they?”
“Dreams?”
“At night I meet him on the same patch of beach where…where he died. He talks to me, helps me. I thought…I thought they were real. That he was reaching out to me the only way he could, through Dream Walking.” The words I hadn’t even allowed myself to think came tumbling out. I laid my head on the table, ignoring the stickiness clinging to the surface. “It felt real. It’s like the dreams from before, 3-D smell-o-vision, the works.” My voice hitched. “I could feel his arms around me. But, then again, I could smell him in the forest today. I could see him.” I lifted my eyes to Talley. “Something’s wrong with me, isn’t it?”
“Nothing is wrong with you, Scout. You went through something horrific. Your brain is trying to find a way to deal with the physical and mental pain you were buried under.”
“I need to go.” I raised up my head, losing a few strands of hair in the process. “I need to get my clothes, and Mom has to work today, and…” I took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice.
“I’ll come with.”
I shook my head. “I need some time.”
I knew I was hurting her feelings, that I should let her ride along, but I couldn’t. If she was there I would have to pretend I wasn’t falling apart. I wasn’t up for the challenge.
I don’t even remember driving across town or hiking the mile down the path where I tossed my clothes. I was in such a fog I had to rummage around for a while to find the right bush. I could have just followed my nose, but it wasn’t my scent leading the way. It was a scent that didn’t really exist. Couldn’t exist.
She’s wrong. He’s been here. I can smell him.
Except, I knew it was a lie. In so many ways, I had known it all along. But when faced with the option of believing in the impossible and accepting that you can no longer trust your own mind, the choice made is not always the logical one.
The fragments of my heart that had managed to meld themselves back together were once again pulling free and venturing off on their own, leaving my chest hollow and empty.
Chapter 15
“What’s wrong?” Alex towered over the place where I collapsed once I found myself back on the beach. I squeezed my eyes closed and refused to play along, certain I could will myself into another dream.
I didn’t work.
“You’re dead,” I finally said without looked at him.