Charlie gave me a look I knew all too well. “Sweaty and gross, huh?” He then proceeded to rub as much of his perspiration on me as possible. It really shouldnʼt have been the sort of thing that qualified as a turn-on, but there was a part of me that didnʼt seem to understand that.
“Youʼre not exactly disproving my point,” I managed to get out between yelps and giggles.
Charlie quit his assault, but stayed perched above me. All I could see was the mossy green of his eyes. “Tell me what a nice smelling, hygienically superior man I am.”
“You know how I feel about lying.”
He leaned in closer, which I would have thought impossible until he did it, and playfully growled at me. How did I ever think that noise was a hundred percent human? Heat was radiating off his body. If I didnʼt know that it was the night before a full moon, I might have thought he had a fever. I wanted to be angry at these obvious signs of his dual nature, of the truth that had been hidden from me. Perhaps I was, but that emotion was eclipsed by a much stronger one.
I lay there, staring up at a face I had know my whole life, and all I could think of was how much and how long I had wanted him. I could feel every spot that our bodies connected - his knees on either side of mine, his hands enclosed around my wrists, the gentle pressure of his right hip against my left. I was frozen in place, unable to speak, move, or look away. Then something in his eyes changed. The pupils dilated as playfulness was erased by something more intense.
“And you know how I feel about her.”
My chin reflexively tilted up. The world had narrowed down to the space between Charlieʼs lips and mine. I wondered how they would feel, how they would taste. They were a bit fuller Alexʼs lips. Would that make a difference?
Alex.
Just like that, the moment was over.
“Let me up.” I had been shooting for playful, but from the way Charlie jerked away Iʼm guessing I failed miserably. “I need to hit the showers and head home,” I said quickly, attempting damage control. “Mom is expecting me for dinner.” What was I doing?
I was with Alex. Alex, who, against all odds, loved me. I got caught up in the moment with Charlie, but it wasnʼt going to happen again.
And who knows how Charlie would have reacted if I followed through? “And you know how I feel about her.” That could have meant anything. It could have been, “I feel like sheʼs the sister I never had,” or “I feel like sheʼs kind of pathetic and worthy of my sympathy.” Why did I automatically think he meant that he had feeling feelings for me? It was ridiculous.
But there was that moment when he had looked at me like he wanted me to kiss him. Like he wanted .
No. I wasnʼt going to think about that.
Alex. I was going to think about Alex - the curve of his smile, the smell of his skin. I was going to think about all the ways I didnʼt deserve him and how I wasnʼt going to add to that already depressingly long list.
***
The next morning I stumbled my way to the kitchen in dire need of coffee. Most of the time I avoided the stuff. It didnʼt matter how much sugar, milk, and flavoring I put in, it still tasted bitter and repulsive. But I was dragging from a night of restless sleep. The Alex at the lake dream, which I continued to have on a regular basis, had featured a dark and violent storm. Cold rain soaked my clothes and branches slapped against my skin so savagely I was surprised to find my face and arms unmarked when I woke up. The worst part, though, was knowing that this time it was all my fault. I was the one who caused the storm, the one who was causing Alex, still stuck on the opposite shore, to suffer.
I didnʼt need Dr. Phil to tell me I was carrying around some guilt for what almost happened with Charlie.
I had a lot of time to think about the whole situation between the hours of three and five that morning since sleep eluded me. The ideal solution would have been for me to stop feeling that way towards Charlie. If I could just have normal, cousin-like feelings towards him the problem would be solved.
I was self-aware enough to realize that wasnʼt happening.
I had to settle for option number two: Avoid Charlie. I couldnʼt exactly be almost kissing him if I didnʼt see him. I reasoned that it would be relatively easy since he went to college hundreds of miles away. It was only the rare holiday or weekend that would require any actual effort.
As I paused outside the kitchen door, I discovered a flaw in my plan.
“Sheʼs sure thatʼs where theyʼll be?” Charlie asked. I could hear him munching on something. Knowing Charlie, it was the last of my Capʼn Crunch. I had half a box left, which translated into Charlieʼs usual breakfast.
“Yeah, she Saw it the other day,” Jase said. He was closer to the door, probably sitting on the kitchen counter. “She narrowed it down to the woods between Pelican Landing and the dock at the end of Chestnut-Oak Drive.”
“Weʼll have to do it right after sundown.” I heard something that sounded suspiciously like cereal being poured into a bowl. “Toby will expect us to meet up with him by dawn. Heʼll be pissed if he finds out what weʼre up to.”
“Itʼll be worth it if we can get rid of them permanently this time.” No.
No, they couldnʼt really be talking about doing what I thought they were talking about doing.
But, of course they were. There was only one person - well, two really - that they would be trying to get rid of on the night of a full moon.
My brother was talking about doing something to Alex.
It was a good thing I hadnʼt eaten any breakfast yet. The way my stomach suddenly dropped would have certainly brought up anything it had been holding.
It took me a second to realize all the noise from the kitchen had stopped. The only thing I could hear was my pulse drumming in my ears.
“Scout?”
Alex had told me that on the day of a full moon he could hear every heart beating in a classroom. Jase and Charlie had to know I was there and that something was causing my heart to race. As I pushed open the kitchen door I tried to think of a reasonable explanation for why that was.
Just as I had predicted, Jase sat on the counter, his plaid pajama clad legs dangling.
Charlie was draped in a chair, an empty box of cereal sat beside him on the table. My arms immediately wrapped around my chest. The thin sleep shirt I was wearing left little to the imagination.
“I didnʼt know Charlie was here,” I said to Jase, not bothering to hide the reproach in my voice. The residual embarrassment from yesterdayʼs incident would serve as an excellent cover for my outside the door lurking and heart racing. It even had the added bonus of not requiring any acting or lying on my part.