Calder’s still standing next to the sideboard, his hand on his glass. His shoulders are tense, his muscles tight, his eyes focused on some invisible distance. I itch to go in there, to rub his shoulders and help him relax, but I quickly fight down the urge. It’s no wonder he’s tense, after the way he’s handled the Center—and undoubtedly other organizations as well.
But in spite of myself, I imagine my fingers sliding over his chest, tracing those smooth muscles, sliding down the hard shape of his body. I want to feel the heat of him, know the velvet softness of his skin beneath my touch. My heartbeat quickens as I picture the path my fingers would take across his flesh.
Calder is completely oblivious to my thoughts. After a moment he turns and moves back toward the bed, glass in hand. I watch his muscles shift beneath his skin as he moves.
He puts his drink on the nightstand and picks up an electronic tablet. He turns toward the television and presses the tablet screen a few times. The channel changes with every tap of his finger. When he's found something he likes, he sets the tablet back on the nightstand. His hand moves to his towel.
My breath catches in my throat as he pulls it away from his waist. Suddenly he's completely naked, and I have a full-on view of his backside.
Dear sweet mother of pearl.
He’s a freaking god.
A moan from the television is the only thing that could tear my eyes away from that hard body. I glance up at the flat screen, and my heart just about stops when I realize what's he's watching. There are two naked women on the screen, and one's straddling the other, her hands roaming over her partner's breasts.
I jerk away from the spy holes again. I know I shouldn't be shocked—people watch porn, after all. I’ve watched porn, though honestly I prefer romance novels to sleazy movies most of the time. But it's one thing to watch a dirty film in the privacy of my apartment with my vibrator in my hand and quite another to watch a gorgeous man watch porn from a secret passageway.
I lean against the wall. Through the paneling, I can hear more moans and heavy breathing coming from the television. I also hear the soft give of a mattress—Calder climbing into bed.
I should go. This is wrong, standing hear listening to this, spying on Calder as he… as he… But I can't seem to move my feet. My blood is rushing in my ears. There's an ache beginning to form between my legs, and it keeps me frozen against the wall.
In the bedroom, I hear Calder exhale a long breath. One of the women on the television begins squealing. I can't help it. I'm drawn to the spy holes once more.
Calder lounges on the bed, his hand around his long, hard length. My entire body goes hot at the sight of him touching himself. His hand slides steadily up and down. The ache between my legs sharpens into a throbbing.
I should go, but it's too late now. I'm riveted by the sight in front of me. I can't turn away. I slip the hand that doesn't hold my phone beneath the waistband of my pajama bottoms. My fingers slide between my legs, seeking the core of my building frustration. I'm already getting wet, and my flesh quivers at even that first, light touch.
My eyes move to the television again. The woman on top leans forward and closes her mouth around her partner's nipple. My own nipples stiffen beneath my pajama top. What would Calder do if he knew I was here? If he knew I was growing aroused at the same movie he watched, at the sight of his hand around himself? I slide my phone into my pocket and move that hand up under my top to tease one of my nipples. In my mind it's his hand, his fingers pinching and pulling and twisting. In my mind I'm in his room, next to him on the bed, and it's my hand wrapped around him, sliding up and down his length.
The ache between my legs is building to the point of pain.
In the room, Calder's hand begins to pump a little faster. His breathing has quickened with his movements. My own breathing is short and shallow. I can't see his face, but I remember the way his eyes burned into mine, the hunger I saw in their depths. He wanted me. Maybe he wants me still. Maybe it's me he's thinking of now, just as I'm thinking of him. I move my hand further between my legs and slip one finger inside.
On the screen, the girls appear to follow my lead. The one on top has moved aside just enough to be able to reach between her partner's legs. The other girl moans and writhes against her.
Calder makes a sound in his throat. He's getting close. I am, too. It's all I can do to fight back the moan forming in my own throat. This is wrong, so very wrong, but I can't help myself. I can't remember the last time I was this aroused by anything. The wickedness of it all just makes my body respond all the more.
On the bed, Calder sucks in a breath. I slump against the wall, no longer able to watch and hold myself upright at the same time. I increase the speed and pressure of the hand between my legs. I'm no longer concerned about hiding the heavy sound of my breathing. I'm too far gone to care.
I want him. Fuck it, I want him. I don't care if he's a selfish jerk. I still want him. I want him to throw me up against the wall and ram his fingers inside of me. I want him to make me scream.
Climax hits me hard, rushing over me with such intensity that I let out a moan before I can stop myself. I freeze, my wet hand still between my legs, waves of pleasure still shuddering through my body. My legs are shaking. I stay against the wall, unable to move, terrified. There's no way he didn't hear my moan. No way.
I wait for a secret door to come flying open, for Calder to burst into the passageway and catch me at my spying, but nothing happens.
Maybe he thought my sound of pleasure had come from one of the actresses on the television. Maybe he was so caught up in his own pleasure that he thought he'd imagined it.
The euphoria is fading from me now, and with it reality sets in: I just spied on Calder while he touched himself. I just watched that, and I was so aroused by the whole thing that I touched myself, too.
I force myself away from the wall. My heart is careening wildly and my legs are still trembling, but I can't stay here. I can't believe what I've done. I can't believe I let it get this far. I hurry down the passageway, back toward my room.
This never happened, I tell myself.
Still, I can tell already that my body won't let me forget this anytime soon.
* * *
Morning comes too quickly. My hair is still wet from the shower I took after returning to my room last night, but I don't care. I switch out of Louisa's pajamas and back into my clothes from yesterday. They're stiff and crusty from the dried mud, but that doesn't matter. I'm eager to get out of here as soon as I can. If I can sneak out without running into Calder, then all the better. He doesn't really deserve more than a thank you note, I tell myself. Not after what he's done to the Center. It's cowardly, I know, but I don't know how to face him, not after last night. I don't think I can look at him again after what I've done.