Weston’s next words were muffled.
Then, Peter spoke, “I know that it’s better to feel that kind of love for even a little while than never at all. I also know if you keep pushing this, you’re going to push her away.”
As I crept down the hall, Weston spoke again, “I can’t help it. I love her. I’ve always loved her. I don’t know what it is like not to. Now that I know what it’s like to be with her, I’ll never get over it. I don’t think I should. Everyone keeps telling me that I have to let her go. But why would I do that to myself? I already know what it feels like to suffocate—to suck in a breath and not get enough air, no matter how many times or how deep. You say I’m being melodramatic, that I’m overreacting, but I know what dying feels like, and I’ve felt it more than once. This…this is worse.”
I slipped out of the front door and covered my mouth, reaching for the iron railing just as my knees gave way. Every faltering breath that filled my lungs made me think of his words and the agony and panic in his voice.
After taking a few minutes to gather myself, I balled my hand into a fist and banged against the wood. Weston had been looking forward to these last days of high school, and I wasn’t going to let him regret anything. Even if I was the only one still winging it, he needed to hear a few simple words from me, and I would say them—words that I was afraid to say out loud, but that didn’t make them any less true.
When no one came to the door, I rang the doorbell, listening to what sounded like cathedral bells pealing an intricate tune.
Veronica answered the door, her expression tired. “Erin,” she said, relieved.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
She stepped to the side and opened the door wider. “Yes, please. He’s in the family room.”
I rushed down the hall, past the basement door and the kitchen, and I abruptly stopped five feet from Weston. His back was still turned.
“Weston?” I asked, unsure if he even wanted to see me.
He turned. His eyes were red, his cheeks flushed. “Did they tell you to come?”
I shook my head, hoping he would believe the lie. I didn’t want to upset him further. “I wanted to see you.”
“Not like this. I’m a freakin’ mess.”
“You’re nervous. We all are. It’s okay.”
He hooked a couple of his fingers on each hip and stared at the floor. His chest rose with each deep breath he took as he attempted to calm down. “I feel crazy sometimes. I mean…I knew I was crazy about you, but…damn it. I can’t control this. It’s scary as hell.”
“Talk to me,” I said.
“It’s the end, isn’t it? We’ve got a few weeks of summer left, and then it’s over.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Why won’t you believe me?”
His eyes danced around the room, finally settling on me. “I’ve been waiting, listening, watching. I’ve been hoping you’ll say what I need to hear. I don’t even know what that is, Erin. Every passing day just makes me feel worse.”
“It’s not supposed to be like this,” I said, my voice small. “You’re not supposed to be miserable. We’re supposed to be making good memories, remember?”
He nodded and then reached for me. I took the few steps and melted into his chest, allowing his arms to encompass me.
“Hey,” I whispered, hoping my voice was comforting. I gripped his maroon graduation robe in my fists, trying to pretend I hadn’t heard every excruciating thought he just confessed.
He buried his face in my neck, his breaths jagged. He was getting more upset, and it was frustrating to know that the more I’d tried to put him at ease, the worse he seemed to feel. I would have to change my strategy.
“Weston,” I snapped, forcing him to look into my eyes, “I’ve been thinking about what we talked about the other day.”
He held his breath, bracing himself.
“You’re wrong. You are all kinds of wrong about everything.”
“That…sucks,” he said. He furrowed his brow.
“I do need you.”
He leaned away from me, searching my eyes for something.
“I know you don’t think I do, and that’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t want to need you. But I needed you to come to the Dairy Queen for an ice cream every day just so I could have that one moment when it was just you and me. I needed you to pull up next to me when I was walking home that night. I needed you to make the overpass the first place I ever felt safe. I needed you to kiss me in front of everyone at the ball field. I needed you to share my first limo ride. I might even need you to be afraid to lose me because I’m terrified of losing you.”
“You don’t…act like it,” he said, the words seeming to leave a bad taste in his mouth.
“I don’t want to talk about how we’re going to make this work after this summer because I don’t want to think about it. I just want it to work. I just want us to figure it out.”
Weston’s eyebrows pulled in. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“No, you are. And so am I. We’re going to say good-bye in a couple of months, but I just concentrate on the fact that it will not be forever. OSU is going to be my second home, and Dallas will be yours. My new friends will be yours, too. And even when we don’t have experiences together, they’ll just be something else we can spend an hour laughing about on the phone. We’re going in different directions, but we can always come back to us. We’re home base.”
He pulled off his silly square hat and cupped my jawline, tilting his head and pressing his lips on mine. He didn’t bother to begin with his mouth closed. He consumed me, his fear and relief evident in every passionate brush of his tongue against mine. He didn’t ask for more promises or for me to change schools. He’d only needed the assurance that I was as scared as he was because love was wonderfully terrifying.
Weston pulled his cap back onto his head and inhaled, deep and slow, as if it were the first time he’d breathed in weeks.
“I’m sorry,” he said to me.
Peter and Veronica walked in, looking relieved to see their son more relaxed.
“I’m sorry,” he said to his parents. “It just hit me this morning before the sun even came up. But it just kept getting darker. The closer it got, the worse I felt.” He touched the silver chain he saw peeking from my gown, and then he pulled the heart-shaped trinket from its hiding place.