“That’s sweet,” I said. I used my finger to brush away a strand of hair that had fallen into her face. She was a young woman now, creeping closer every day to the age I was when I brought her into the world. She was working at a local grocery store as a cashier like she had every summer since she was fifteen, but this would be her last before college.
Taylor took a sip. “Thank you, baby.” He tensed when he realized what he’d said, but I covered his hand with mine. The rules seemed trivial now, the terms of endearment, the living apart until I’d felt Taylor had done his time and felt sufficiently kicked while he was down. He could have lost his job and gone to jail, and I wanted to punish him more. My heart sank. I was wrong. I’d been wrong.
“Taylor,” I began, but my phone buzzed. I checked it and again put it away.
“Is that the kids?” Taylor asked.
“No,” I said simply.
His gaze fell to my back pocket. “It’s him, isn’t it?”
“Is it weird that I’m mad at him?” Tyler blurted out, looking at his twin.
“Mad at who?” Taylor asked.
“Thomas. I’m fucking pissed. I keep thinking that if he were here, I would punch him in his lying fucking face.”
Taylor shook his head.
“I feel like that’s weird,” Tyler said. “Like I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do.” His bottom lip trembled. “And then I remember he’s not here, and he’s not going to be here. But I’d still punch him, and then I’d hug him until he wouldn’t let me hug him anymore.”
Ellie rubbed Tyler’s back. “That’s not weird. This is all very confusing. Feelings aren’t wrong. Whatever you’re feeling is exactly what you should feel.”
I smiled at my sister-in-law. She’d gone from drunken pill popper to a meditating, full-lotus-posing soccer mom. She’d worked so hard to get sober and had spent a fortune in rehabilitation before Gavin came along. She was not only sober, but she was beginning to sound like her therapist, and I loved it.
“Falyn?” Olive said.
Without fail, when she said my name, my heart would sing. Because of Taylor, I was able to be involved in her life more than I ever thought possible. She was our flower girl at our wedding, she babysat Hollis and Hadley when we visited, and now, she was sitting next to me, my mirror image, looking at me for advice. I rested my chin on the heel of my hand and looked at her with a smile. “Yes, love?”
“When do you think the funeral will be? I should ask for the day off. I want to be there.”
“I’ll ask Papa when he wakes up. We’re going to have to decide a lot of things today, so he should get some rest.”
She picked at her nails, nodding absently. “Yes, ma’am.”
I looked to Taylor, wishing I could thank him for that moment, and every moment with Olive before that one. I’d been wrong, and it was time to admit it to both of us. My phone buzzed again. I didn’t check it this time.
Taylor looked down to the source of the noise. His shoulders sagged. “Is that who I think it is?”
I hesitated. “I … don’t know who it is.”
“Falyn,” Taylor said, sounding tired. “Is it him?”
“Who?” Tyler asked.
“Peter Lacy,” Taylor said.
“The mayor’s son?” Ellie asked, surprised.
“She didn’t give him her number, and she doesn’t respond,” Taylor said.
“I did this morning,” I said. Taylor looked devastated. “I told him if he didn’t stop, I was going to file a complaint with the police department.”
“And he’s still trying to contact you?” Ellie asked.
“Yes,” I said, annoyed.
“You did?” Taylor asked. “You told him that?”
I turned to him. “I told you. I want nothing to do with him.”
Taylor managed a small half smile. He didn’t lose his temper. He didn’t punch at the air or scream or slam doors. Maybe it was because he was emotionally exhausted, but I’d asked him to do better, and he had. “I wish I could do better by you. That’s what you deserve.”
The shocked expressions across the table prompted me to reach for his hand. His vulnerability at that moment was so incredibly moving.
He looked down at my hand on his and blinked, seeming surprised.
“Will you sit on the porch with me?” I asked.
He stared at me for a moment like I’d spoken in a foreign language, and then he nodded, finally processing my request. “Yeah. I mean yes. Of course.”
Taylor’s chair grated against the floor when he pushed it back to stand. I kept his hand in mine while we walked to the front door. He didn’t try to pull away, but he was on autopilot, letting me lead him outside. We sat down on the top step and listened to the birds whistling, the wind pushing through the leaves on the trees, and watched the cars drive by. It was a beautiful, sunny summer day. It should have been pouring rain from gray skies, but instead, the storm was inside. Taylor’s cheeks were wet from silent tears, and I felt myself growing desperate.
“I know this is probably the worst time for this, but I have to. I’m going to say something that I wanted to say the other night, so I don’t want you to think there is any other reason for this than me telling you of a decision I’ve already made,” I said.
“Falyn.” He waited several seconds before speaking again. I was afraid he would tell me to shut up because he didn’t want to hear anything from me. That anything I had to say would be of little importance to him that day, and I couldn’t be mad because he would be right. “If you tell me you want a divorce right now, I’m warning you … I might just walk into the street and lay there.”
I couldn’t help but smile, but it faded. “I don’t want a divorce.”
His eyes met mine, and he really saw me for the first time in hours. “You don’t?”
I shook my head. “I love you. And you’re right. We should work on this together, not apart. It’s not doing anyone any favors, particularly the kids, and …”
“I think I’m hearing you say that when we get home, we’re not separated anymore.” He waited, cautiously optimistic.
“I’m saying we’re not separated anymore.”