You…do not want to be my mate? Rage flashes through his mind, and I’m reminded of the barrage of overwhelming images he’d sent me.
I know he’s not doing it on purpose. And he says he won’t hurt me, so I press further. “Why would I want to be your mate? I didn’t get to choose, Kael. You don’t seem to grasp that, but let me spell it out again. This is my life, not yours. Ever since I met you, I’ve been put in danger, threatened, and taken away from my loved ones. Why would I choose you?”
You would take another mate? Again, flashes of madness coat the thoughts.
“Not necessarily, but—”
The dragon gets to his feet, dumping me onto the ground from my comfy perch on his legs. You would choose another mate over me? Where is he? I will destroy him! The madness is so thick in his mind, even I can feel it leaking over.
“That’s not what I said—” I begin.
But my dragon launches himself into the skies, gushing smoke and fire in a fit of rage. I sigh, putting my hands on my hips and watching him go. Well, that went well. Try to be a little independent and a dragon loses his shit. Figures.
22
CLAUDIA
For the first time since being captured (both by humans and dragons), I’m left alone for a few hours. I suppose it means I’m safe, because Kael’s been all over me in the past at a hint of danger. And he kept saying that because I’m claimed and he’s given me his ‘venom’ that no one else will look at me as a potential mate. I’m no longer in danger from other dragons, and therefore I can be left alone. I should be pleased.
Instead, I’m lonely and feel more abandoned than ever.
I know I’m not acting rational. I know I drove Kael off deliberately. I didn’t want him here with me, but when he left, it didn’t make me happy, either. My life has been completely upended because of his presence, and I’m taking it out on him. I’m frantically worried about Amy, and I’m taking it out on him. I’m confused about how I feel about him…and I’m taking it out on him.
I know it’s terrible. I know I’m being frustrating. I just…I honestly don’t know what to do about anything. Normally I try to compose myself and move forward with what I’ve got to work with, but this time I’m just utterly stymied. Every move feels like the wrong one.
So I do nothing.
Not that I can do much. Leaving’s out of the question—Kael will freak, and I don’t want that. Also, it’s not like I can go back home. They’ll just arrest me, hand me over again, or use me as additional leverage if they decide to keep me. My freedom in Fort Dallas is gone. I have no home anymore.
I poke around the empty, decrepit office building, but there’s not much to do. I scavenged through it days ago when looking for clothing, and it’s just as full of useless things now as it was then. A stapler’s not all that handy in an apocalypse, and neither is a fax machine or twenty non-working phones. I give everything a cursory poke anyhow and then head back to the working bathroom and drink my fill from the sink using a chipped ‘World’s Greatest Boss’ mug. My stomach rumbles with hunger, and I think how ironic that is. Here I am bitching about how I can’t go home to Fort Dallas and I have to stay with a dragon. And yet that dragon has always fed me and taken care of me, and back in Fort Dallas I’ve had to scrape by for the barest living and went hungry more days than I can imagine. I need to re-examine my priorities.
But I can’t get over the fact that Amy’s being held by the soldiers. She’s screwed and it’s my fault. And Sasha… I try not to think about what Sasha will do. Sasha always finds a way to survive. I splash water on my hands, scrubbing at my face and arms as best I can. There are no more paper towels; I used the last of them on Kael.
And that makes me think of the way he’d kissed me and touched me. How it had felt to be cherished and adored for that brief window of time. I’d eaten it up. I hadn’t realized I was so starved for affection until he’d held me close, and I’d never wanted to leave that warm embrace. He genuinely wants the best for me. I keep telling myself it’s wrong…but why? Kael infuriates me with his possessiveness and overbearing attitude, but he’s kind and caring overall. It’s not his fault this world pushes him toward insanity.
I understand his need, too. The flashes he’d shown me of the madness were utterly frightening. No wonder dragons are attacking cities and destroying everything. Their heads are filled with so much horror they don’t know what they’re doing. I’ve seen how small things can make the bad thoughts rise in Kael’s head. If I’m the only one that makes things quiet for him…I understand why he wants to keep me.
It just sucks that I get no say in anything.
Amy. My poor sister. The militia’s never going to let her go. They’re going to dangle her under my nose as an insurance policy to try to get me to force Kael to do what they want. Amy must be terrified. I’ve tried to keep her sheltered from the worst Fort Dallas has to offer, and I can’t protect her any longer.
That’s not Kael’s fault, and I need to quit blaming him for that. I sigh and give myself a little dog-like shake to fling the water off my skin. I’m blaming him for a lot of things—my sister, my exile, the bite, my fear of him—and now that he’s been gone for a while, I realize that none of it is his fault. If he’d have known that I didn’t like the bite, didn’t expect it, and it scared me, I think that would hurt him almost as much as it hurt me.
It’s clear I need to talk to my dragon and figure this shit out. I peer out the hole in the bathroom ceiling hopefully, but there’s no sign of him. I try reaching out with my mind, too, but I don’t really know what I’m doing and I don’t feel anything respond. Weird, but I kind of miss his hovering, overbearing presence. I even miss his draconic flirting.
He’s only been gone a few hours, too, and I feel empty and alone. Maybe there’s something to this dragon-bond thing, after all. I felt empty and alone back in Fort Dallas, but I thought it was because of everything I’d gone through. Maybe there’s something more. I touch the hot place on my neck where he bit me, and I wonder if the bond works both ways.
If it doesn’t, maybe I have more feelings for my dragon than I’d like to admit.