This broken girl?
Confused.
Lost.
Seeking something she probably won’t find.
‘How about you head back,’ I tell Luke, crushing the empty cup and then tossing it onto a nearby coffee table. ‘And I’ll come home with Seth.’
His frown deepens. ‘Yeah, that sounds like a disaster in the making.’
I feign being offended. ‘Hey, we’ve been getting along better,’ I say, then start dancing again because sitting still is impossible. What I said is true, too. Ever since we’ve gotten back, Seth, one of my roommates who I’ve had a rocky history with – probably because he thought I was a hooker at one point – has been nicer to me. I think it’s more pity than anything else. Pity because my parents were murdered. Pity because Luke’s mother played a part in their deaths. Pity because the only true father figure I had turned out to be a creeper who has been stalking me since I was younger. Everyone seems to feel sorry for me, and in their own ways are trying to help me heal. But I’m healing in silence, at least that’s what I tell myself. During the rare times, though, that I admit the truth to myself, I know that I’m just shutting down and avoiding everything. But I can’t seem to do anything else, otherwise it feels like I’m going to break, and when I feel like I’m going to break I push myself dangerously to the edge and test potentially irreversible boundaries.
Although, it’s kind of hard to do anything when I’m constantly being watched. At night there’s a cop car that parks in front of my apartment, thanks to Detective Stephner. During the day I’m supposed to be with someone. And Luke, it seems, has taken on being that someone because he hasn’t left my side since that conversation at his father’s house. I feel bad. I mean, he had a life before he met me and I feel like I’ve taken that away from him. As sad as this story’s going to be – the story of us – I know that eventually all this shit is going to wear him down and he’s going to send me flying away, just like everyone else in my life. I used to be fine with that; used to be able to flip my middle finger at them and soar away with my wings spanned wide. But now I’m like a bird with a broken wing who’s going to crash, which kind of makes me hate myself because I’m so vulnerable and weak. I miss being the strong, badass Violet, but I don’t know how to bring her back.
Luke puts his hands on my hips, stopping me from moving. I realize I’ve drifted more into the center of the crowd and am surrounded by sweaty people dry humping each other as they grind to the beat of the song. Luke and I did that once, but that was back in the past.
‘Whether you’ve been getting along or not,’ Luke lets go of me and scratches at the back of his neck tensely as he glances around the chaos of the room, ‘I’m not leaving you here alone.’
‘But I wouldn’t be alone,’ I point out, shrinking back when his gaze fully fastens on me. The intensity pouring off him is intimidating, even for me. ‘Seth’s here.’
‘Seth needs a babysitter just as much as you,’ he states firmly. ‘So that’s an invalid point.’
I pout my bottom lip, tripping over my feet as I try to turn back toward the drink-serving area. ‘You’re a party pooper.’
‘And you’re drunk.’ Sighing heavily, he places a hand on my arm to steady me. ‘Please, can we just go? ‘
‘Is it because of the alcohol?’ I wonder, leaning into his embrace. ‘Is that why you want to leave so badly?’
He shakes his head. ‘I just want to go home,’ he says then presses. ‘With. You.’
Luke, the king of drinking, has been sober for just a little over a month now and it’s been strange, but good to watch him heal himself. After a very intense week’s detox, he just stopped doing it. I know it’s been hard for him, even though he won’t talk about it with me. He’s more serious and responsible than in the past and he does look a ton healthier. He even has a job at the diner Greyson and I work at. And that’s how he spends each day: work, class, comes home and hangs out with me – babysits me pretty much. He seems perfectly content doing it and it baffles me no end because people are not supposed to be content when they’re with me, especially when they know so much about me.
Seeming torn about something, Luke extends his hand for me to take. ‘Baby, please just come home with me.’
The words ‘baby’ and ‘home’ flash like a lighthouse through my head and it gives me both a good and bad shiver. Emotions battle their way to the surface. I care for Luke. He gives me comfort. Security. And he could easily take it away from me. Again, another weakness I’ve developed. Dependability.
I’d be flipping out right now, but the alcohol makes it harder for me to feel, so maybe that’s why I want to stay, to numb myself into an emotionless state.
‘You’ve been calling me that a lot,’ I say through my own drunken stupidity – sober, I’d probably ignore the comment.
I detect the slightest quirk of his lips, the first sign of humor I’ve seen in a while. ‘Calling you what? ‘There’s a bit of lightness to his tone as he pretends to have no clue what I’m talking about.
‘You know what.’ I move to put my hands on my hips, but the room starts to twirl round and round and I end up clutching onto his shoulders for support.
He slants toward me and places his lips beside my ear, his hands finding my hips, fingers digging into the fabric of my dress and my flesh. ‘Baby,’ he whispers, his breath hot against my neck.
With a shiver, I nod. ‘Yeah, that … what’s up with that … why do you … keep calling me that.’
Amusement dances in his eyes as he leans back. ‘Does it bother you that I do? ‘
I hesitate and then shrug. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘Do you want me to stop? ‘
‘I … Again, I’m not sure … It’s just that I don’t know what it means.’ Again, the truth falls out. Damn alcohol. It’s like freakin’ truth serum or something.
His smile cracks through. ‘Well, the word itself has a few meanings, but in my case I’m using it as term of endearment.’
‘I know what the word means.’ I gesture back and forth between the two of us very sloppily and end up accidentally slapping myself in the face. ‘But I don’t know what it means for us.’ I rub the spot on my face where I hit while Luke chuckles at my lack of coordination.