‘You’ve said that twice,’ I say then give a heavy sigh. ‘And it’s hard when there’s a mob always waiting around for me.’
He rotates onto his side and combs his fingers through my hair around his finger, gazing off with great contemplation. ‘You can’t let them control your life. And besides, I’ll punch them in the face if they come too close.’ The corners of his lips tease upward.
But I frown. ‘No punching anyone in the face. I don’t need you going to jail.’
‘Please just come with me.’
Clearly this is important to him, although I don’t know why. And if I’m being true to myself about trying to get my acted together, heal all my brokenness besides the bones, I need to start attempting to make up to him for everything I’ve been taking lately. ‘If I go, I’m just going to sit there.’
‘You can do whatever you want.’ He inches closer and his body heat engulfs me and puts me into this temporary state of high where I swear to God I’m floating. ‘Although there is a kickboxing area. Seems like something right up your alley. You could take out your anger aggression on it.’
‘Anger aggression? ‘I narrow my eyes at him, but it’s more playful than annoyed. ‘Are you saying I have anger problems?’
‘Maybe … I mean, you have every right to be angry, but I think it would be good for you to try finding a healthy outlet.’ He glances down at my cast then I catch his gaze flicking to the other wrist where there’s a mark on my flesh hidden beneath a leather bracelet; a mark I put there when I cut my own skin hoping that maybe if I made myself bleed, my emotions would bleed out with the blood.
There’s also a questioning in his eyes, and I get what he wants to know – needs to know.
‘I haven’t done anything since that day.’ I fidget with the leather band self-consciously. ‘I’ve been trying not to.’ But it’s been a rollercoaster of difficultness. Up and down. That’s what I’ve felt like every second of every hour of every day.
‘I know you have,’ he says. ‘I just want you to find something that might help, so maybe won’t have to do it anymore … so maybe it won’t be so hard not to try.’
It’s crazy how much he gets it and how much I want to stop for him and kind of for myself. But if I’m being honest, I can’t picture my life without my reckless behavior and that makes me wonder how long I can go on like this. It’s been so long that it doesn’t even feel possible; even though I never want to have that helpless feeling I had in the water again. And I don’t for one second believe that going to the gym is going to help get rid of my problem, but he’s looking at me with hope in his eyes, so I agree.
‘Fine, I’ll go.’ I force a smile.
He grins from ear-to-ear and it makes agreeing worth it, despite the fact I’m going to look like a dumbass trying to beat up a bag. ‘Good, we start tomorrow at seven o’clock,’ he says.
‘In the morning?’ I give him a disgusted look. ‘What the hell. I don’t get up that early.’
He laughs at me then gives me a kiss on the forehead before sitting up. ‘Yeah, it’s early but I have to pick up my dad and Trevor from the airport and noon and then we’re going to dinner later, remember?’
Honestly, through all the stuff going on the past couple of weeks, I’d forgotten about it. ‘I kinda forgot they were coming,’ I admit, sitting up and reaching for my Calculus book.
‘That’s understandable.’ He heads for the door with the pajama bottoms in his hand. ‘You’ve been under a lot of stress lately.’
‘You’ve been sounding like a psychologist lately. So either Seth’s been wearing on you or maybe that’s what you should major in.’
He releases a cynical laugh. ‘Yeah, that’ll be the day. Me sitting behind a desk, listening to other peoples’ problems and trying to fix them.’
‘You’re better at it than you think.’ My words carrying more meaning than meets the ear.
Luke gives me a thankful smile that chips at my ice-cold heart just a bit, but his happiness quickly turns to hesitancy. ‘So how was the therapy thing today?’ he asks as indifferently as possible, but I can tell he’s worried about asking me.
I shrug, not wanting to talk about the fact that my head is officially being examined. ‘Not too bad I guess.’
‘Do you have to see them again?’ he wonders, his fingers wrapping around the doorknob.
I nod, wondering if I’m going to go through with it – keep going and let Lana dissect me. ‘Yeah, next week.’
‘Until when?’
‘Until the unforeseeable future.’ I shrug, then shrug again, not sure what else to say. Lana never mentioned how much I’d have to go there. What if it’s a really long time? Sitting in that chair, talking about stuff I always avoid no matter what the costs. Can I handle it?
‘Oh, okay.’ Luke drops the subject and opens the door.
All this talk about our futures, I’m reminded of who I am. Like me, Luke has no declared major, but he still plays football and has hobbies so he’s at least got that, unlike me. I don’t have any hobbies, other than my extreme lack of people skills and my adrenaline junkie addiction. I have nothing really.
Maybe Luke’s right. Maybe I do need to declare a major, get out of the house, do something. But I don’t even know where to start. All my life, I’ve felt like I was drifting, drifting through homes, jobs, even classes, passing them but never really getting into anything I was being taught.
Drifting.
That’s all I did – do. My thoughts always stuck in the past.
But now the past might get its justice – my parents might get their justice. And that leaves me with facing the future, whether I’m ready to or not.
Chapter 14
Violet
‘I saw you, Violet. Saw you in the water.’ A whisper fills my head. It comes in the middle of the night. A voice, floating from somewhere in the dark house. ‘You wanted to hurt yourself.’
‘You’re not getting off that easy.’
Did it come from the bedroom? I’m not sure, but they sound so close … wait where am I?
I’m startled from my sleep then smothered by the darkness around me. It feels so heavy, so crushing that I can’t breathe.
I’m alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.