I had the exact opposite problem, forced to spend hours being hugged by my mother in a way that felt unnatural and caused me to be ill to my stomach. I’d always thought things would have been better if I’d never been hugged, but Violet is contradicting this theory. Maybe if the hugs had come from a sane person, if my dad hadn’t bailed out, then I’d think differently.
I sweep her hair out of her face, knowing she’s trying to hide whatever expression she has, but I care too much about her to let her conceal her pain anymore. ‘I’m not going to ignore you. Not when you say something like that.’
She shakes her head, glancing at me. I swear I can see every infliction, every invisible scar. ‘Please, can we just drop it?’
I start to lean over the console toward her. ‘Violet, we’re not going to—’
‘Light’s green,’ she interrupts, waving me forward while the person behind me honks their horn.
I drive in silence the rest of the way home. As soon as I park the car under the carport, Violet opens the door and hops out. I follow her eager exit, turn off the engine, hop out and meet her around the front. Before she can move past me, I catch her in my arms and yank her against me.
‘Luke, I said I was okay,’ she protests. She works to get her good hand between us, then attempts to shove me back. But she’s not strong enough to get me anywhere, no matter what she believes.
‘If it was possible, I’d hug you every hour of every minute of every second of every day.’ I pull her closer to me, disregarding the fact that she hasn’t put her arms around me yet.
We stand that way for a while, me giving her everything and her afraid to take it as the wind surrounds us and the grey sky begins to rumble. It takes her a snap or two of lightning to get there, but finally she relaxes.
‘We’d look pretty ridiculous walking around like this all the time,’ she whispers, her arms sliding around my waist. She tucks her good hand into the back pocket of my jeans and rests her head against my shoulder. ‘Although, I’d love to see the looks on people’s faces as we attempted it.’ She sighs, surrendering. ‘Sorry I freaked out on you.’
‘You don’t need to apologize.’
‘No, I need to …’ She tips her chin up and looks up at me. ‘I need to get my shit together. I’m just trying to figure out how to do it.’ The wind blows her hair into her face and she plucks strands from her mouth. ‘Maybe this whole therapy thing will help … I don’t know though. I’m still skeptical.’
I’m not sure if I entirely disagree with that idea either. ‘Why?’
‘I don’t know … I guess I don’t trust adults very well. They can be nasty, disloyal people.’
‘Baby, we’re technically adults.’
‘I know that, but sometimes I forget that we are,’ she says, saddened. ‘Maybe it’ll work out though. Maybe they’ll be able to fix all the cracks and ugliness inside my head.’
I press my lips to her forehead. ‘This thing is anything but ugly.’
‘Yeah, yeah, we’ll see if that’s the case after they crack me apart and see what’s inside.’ She makes a mock scary voice than makes a ghostly sound.
My brow curves upward. ‘What’s up with the Halloween sounds?’
‘We made a promise to celebrate the shit out of holidays, remember.’ She glances over at the main building of the apartment complex, which is decked out with hay bales and a scarecrow. ‘I need a costume if we’re going to do this.’
‘I can help you find one,’ I offer, even though it’s probably the last thing I want to do. Stores. Crazy ass people rushing around to get last minute things.
She shakes her head and looks back at me. ‘It’s not really a you and I thing. I think I’ll ask Seth.’
‘Really?’ I can’t hide my shock.
She shrugs. ‘We’ve been getting along okay and I know he likes to shop.’
‘He’ll probably want to invite Callie,’ I tell her, not because I think it’s bad that Callie and her hang out. It’s just that the two of them have an iffy past. Plus, Violet tends to scare other girls with her I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude.
‘That’s okay.’ She nods her head, like she’s convincing herself that her words are true. ‘Everything’s going to work out. I can feel it.’
But right as she says it, a van with the security alarm logo on it pulls into the parking lot, reminding the both of us that everything can’t be okay until Preston is put away. Until he is, we’ll always be looking over our shoulders, sleeping less, listening for sounds in the night. It pisses me off, thinking about it, makes my blood curl, especially when Violet gives me that look, the one that lets me know she’s suddenly been reminded of everything and that it’s secretly terrifying her.
I need to find a way to take away that look.
But the only way that’s going to happen is when Preston is behind bars.
Chapter 19
Violet
It seems like the last few conversations between Luke and I feel more like therapy sessions. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but the less time I spend standing on top of roofs, jumping in raging waters, cutting my wrists, popping pills, getting drunk, the more time I talk. And it’s like I don’t have any control over my mouth anymore, words spilling out without any thought. So I’m a bit relieved to have some time away from Luke to shop for a costume, hoping I can clear my head and pull myself together before I spook him – or myself.
‘So Halloween’s the slutty holiday, right?’ I ask Seth as we stroll through the nearly empty racks of the closest Halloween store we could find. I pull a face at what’s left; clowns, a dinosaur, there’s even a sexy giraffe costume – not sure how the hell they consider it sexy but whatever.
Seth nods, searching through the racks with a disgusted look on his face. ‘Yeah, that would kind of be the point.’ He glances over at Callie, who’s looking at the cape section of the store. ‘Unless you’re Miss Callie over there. Then you go with the traditional but flawlessly beautiful kind of costume.’
Her cheeks flush as if what he’s said is extremely embarrassing. ‘I go with what I’m comfortable with.’
Seth nods as she moves over to a section that has masks. ‘I know you do,’ he says.
I wander to the next rack and sift through the limited selection. ‘I don’t want to be sexy or traditionally, flawlessly beautiful though.’