But it’s harder tonight. Between the call about my mother and the fact that my father got me all worked up at dinner. All that talk about worrying about me and then trying to make stuff up to me – it had push me toward the edge, and now the phone call has me teetering somewhere mid-fall. And then there’s Violet and her reaction to Trevor’s question about marriage and how she made it clear that she was against it and for some crazy ass reason that got under my skin – not sure why the fuck it did, but it did. It’s not like I want to get married, at least not in this decade, but the fact that she seemed so against it – against being with someone forever – made me start to wonder how long she was planning on sticking around. And that reminded me of how I said I love her and how she clearly doesn’t reciprocate the feeling. So what am I to her? I have no idea.
I’m riled up on the inside, letting things get under my skin too much and pretending to be okay on the outside, just like I used to all the time. Thankfully, my friends decided to choose the lower section of the place where alcohol isn’t served, otherwise I’d have caved the moment we walk in. It makes it easier to stay away from it and I have a good distraction – Violet and her god damn leather dress. The thing barely covers her ass making her long legs look nearly endless. And those boots with those heels … Jesus fucking Christ, she’s sexy as hell. The music’s good too for the most part, plus it’s nice to hang out with Kayden, Callie, Seth, Greyson and Violet all at one time.
The whole place screams edgy Halloween theme with black lights, mist, and spray paint covering the walls and almost everyone is dressed up in some sort of costume. There’s this neon effect going on and everything with bright colors and in white glows. Violet would blend in with the darkness, but Seth, Callie and her decided to take this weird lipstick-looking thing and draw all over the skin showing, which means Violet is glowing with designs and patterns on almost every inch of her body.
Yes, fucking ridiculously sexy.
‘I’m going to dance. Who wants to save seats?’ Violet rises from her chair. We’ve secured a table as close to the dance floor and stage as possible, so losing the seats would suck.
Seth and Greyson both jump from their barstools. ‘Not it,’ Seth calls out, then grabs Callie’s hand and pulls both Greyson and her toward the dance floor before anyone can protest.
Violet looks at me and I give her the best smile I can muster. ‘Go ahead. I’ll sit this one out.’
She hesitates. ‘You sure?’
I nod and force my smile to be more cheery – more fake. ‘Yes, go.’ I wave at her to get a move on.
She whirls toward the dancing area and I feel this instantaneous urge to follow her, remembering how sexy Violet is when she dances. But I’m not sure I’m in the mood, nor do I want to bail and leave Kayden sitting solo, so I keep my ass planted in the chair.
‘I have a fucking headache,’ I mutter and take a sip of my Coke, wondering if maybe my blood sugar’s low or if I’m just really stressed.
‘You look like you haven’t slept in a while,’ Kayden states, glancing at his cellphone screen. ‘We probably shouldn’t stay out too long considering we have a game tomorrow.’
‘Yeah, probably.’ I’m distracted as a waitress with a tray full of shot glasses walks by. I thought they don’t serve alcohol here? I watch her as she pushes her way through the crowd heading for a spiral staircase. She struggles to balance the tray as she maneuvers her way up the stairs and to the top area – the twenty-one and over area. I have a fake ID and even though this place is notorious for being able to identify fake ID’s, I think about going up there. Honestly, if I wanted to, I could wait for the waitress to come back and charm her until she gives me one. I don’t want to, but I just keep thinking about how things would be so much easier to deal with tonight if I could have just one sip.
Just one.
‘I think I’m going to see how long Callie wants to stay,’ Kayden gets out of the chair. ‘You can ride back with us if you want.’
I nod, my gaze drifting back and forth between the stairway and him. ‘Yeah, if Violet’s ready to go … then okay.’
He wavers, tucking his phone into the back pocket of his jeans. ‘You gonna be okay here alone for a few minutes?’
‘What? Are we babysitting each other now?’ I question, when really I probably do need babysitting right now.
He seems torn, glancing over his shoulder at the staircase, in the direction I keep glancing in. It’s clear what I’m looking at and it’s clear he’s going to stick around if I don’t reassure him that I’m not going to go chasing down my addiction.
‘It’s fine,’ I say, signaling for him to go. ‘I’ll sit here and save the table.’
He wavers then nods before disappearing into the crowd of dancing, sweaty people. I’d like to say that it takes me a few minutes to get up and head over, but it’s really only about ten seconds, getting to my feet the moment Kayden’s out of sight. I have every intention of doing it, tracking down the waitress and coaxing her into giving me a shot. I don’t like myself for needing to do it, but old habits – addictions – are hard to break. I just want to feel my body burn into numbness, just one more time. One more time, I keep telling myself.
I’m halfway there when I spot Violet in center of the crowd. I don’t even know how I see her, since there’s so many damn people packed in a small space. Yet she manages to appear, the throng parting for the slightest moment, just enough to give me a glimpse of her dancing and laughing, so free at that moment, so beautiful. Violet’s always talking about destiny and I’ve never been too sure on where I lie on the whole concept that maybe we’re not in complete control of our lives, but right now I’m wondering if maybe it does exists and that maybe my destiny is in her.
What am I doing?
Seriously, what the fuck am I doing, fucking this up?
I don’t want this – want to be that person again.
I don’t want to lose what I have.
Just like that, I’m pulled toward her, magnetized by an unseen force that I’ll never be able to explain. I move away from the stairway, the waitress, the alcohol and push my way through the crowd, my eyes fixed on where I saw her. Every once and a while, there’s enough of a gap in the sea of bodies that I get a glimpse of her green eyes, red and black hair, and that fucking sexy as hell leather dress she’s wearing. It keeps me traveling in the right direction and farther away from the wrong. The music is throbbing as I move up behind her. She doesn’t see me first, only feels the touch of my hands as I put them on her waist. She must sense it’s me, because she sinks into the touch without saying a word.