That night was a repeat of the previous one. Chloe slept as long as she was jostled or swayed or walked. All of which required enormous amounts of Louise’s waning energy.
If Nate hadn’t helped, she wondered how she would have managed. She was so grateful when he took Chloe that she almost kissed him. Even so, she felt as if she walked and talked and ate in her sleep.
She even dozed off while nursing the baby and jerked awake in a sweat, fearing she would suffocate her.
Being a mother was a lot more work than she could have imagined. In a few days she’d have to do it alone, though she supposed Missy would be with her. Somehow Missy had the ability to sleep through Chloe’s crying, so she wouldn’t likely be a lot of help during the night hours.
Morning came all too soon and with it a sense of failure and incompetence that she carried with her through the hurried breakfast. It grew stronger, more pervasive, when she sat in the stage, bouncing and swaying along.
They reached the first way station to change horses and she didn’t have the energy or interest to step from the stage.
Nate took Chloe from her arms and got out. He turned and held out a hand to her. “Come on. You need to stretch your legs.”
She wanted to deny it. The last thing she needed was exercise. Even with him spelling her off, she’d had plenty of it during the night. But it took too much effort to argue, so she alighted.
He draped an arm over her shoulder and pulled her close, then led her away from the others. They stopped on a snow-covered hill with a gentle, cold breeze drifting across the surface. It was momentarily invigorating.
“Now, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” The words came hurriedly as she hovered at the edge of her pit of misery. One wrong word would send her spiraling downward.
“You look ready to cry and have all morning. I know you must be tired, what with Chloe not wanting to sleep during the night, but I’m concerned it might be more.”
The dam broke and her words poured forth. “What am I doing wrong that she won’t sleep? How do I know if she’s getting enough to eat?” It seemed to her the baby didn’t know how to feed and Louise sure didn’t know how to show her. “What if she’s hungry and I’m too inexperienced to know? Maybe there’s something wrong with her. How can you tell if a baby hurts? She cries for every reason but can’t tell me what it is.”
To her utter helpless embarrassment, she sobbed, tears flowing down her face like a river.
Nate, to his credit, didn’t seem to mind. He pressed her head to his shoulder. “Shh. Shh. I worry about Chloe, too. She’s so tiny and fragile. But Archie says she’s just like every newborn. He says she’ll let us know what she wants and needs.”
“Maybe she’s trying and we don’t understand.” Each word came out accompanied with a sob. “How do I know?”
He rubbed her shoulder. “I can’t answer that, but you’re not doing this on your own. I’m right here to help.”
Her sobs subsided. It was a comforting thought, even though they both knew it was temporary. But for now, it was all she had and she meant to take advantage of it. Just as she meant to lean on him a few more minutes before they had to return to the stagecoach.
“You’ve got one thing to look forward to,” he said.
Her nerves tensed. Was he about to remind her she would soon be on her own? It was what they’d agreed on. What she wanted. But not right now. Right now she needed help, needed strength from outside herself.
Trust God, she reminded herself.
But at the moment, she needed strong arms and encouraging words. The last thing she wanted was to be reminded that her relationship with Nate was temporary.
“We’ll be at Fort Macleod tonight. There’s sure to be a midwife or an experienced mother you can consult with.”
The words filled her with fresh courage. “Today? I lost track of the time.”
Dutch called them back and Louise returned with more energy than she’d felt for several days. Sometime today they would arrive at Fort Macleod. It truly was something to look forward to.
Two days after that and they should reach Eden Valley Ranch. The beginning of a new life.