“I c-can’t b-believe—G-Gavin.” My body jerks at the memory of him walking out the door for the last time.
“He loves you, Katy. He’ll be okay. This is too much,” she whispers before she starts to cry with me. My strength, my support, crumbles behind the wheel. “Shit,” she sighs out. “Come on, babe. I have to drive, or I’m going to hurt us both.” She gently pulls her hand away as I curl up in the seat next to her, studying her profile. Tears streak her cheeks as passing headlights brighten her beautiful features.
“I’m sorry.”
“Not accepting it.” She shakes her head as tears fall from her chin. “This right here, what you’re facing, it was inevitable. You were always going to have to let one of them go, you just refused to.”
“I know.”
“Almost there, Sis,” she assures me. “Sure you don’t want me to fly with you?”
“No, I think I’ve disrupted the lives of others long enough.”
“This isn’t the same,” she says, with clear worry in her features. “We don’t know if—”
“I’ll be okay.” I can’t even allow my mind to go there. “I need to do this on my own.”
She slowly nods. “I’ll be here waiting, either way. No matter what happens.”
“God,” I choke out, “I…just, I just think of how he must be feeling.”
“Gavin?”
“Yes,” I say with a strangled cry.
“He made the decision. He knew you loved him too much to walk away. Damn,” she says, as more tears line her cheeks, “I’m at a loss, Katy. He’ll hurt, but I think the last few months…being absent was his way of trying to accept it.”
“He said I’d already made the decision before I got home, that I just didn’t want to live with it.”
“It’s the truth, isn’t it?”
She glances at me briefly, and I bite my lips and nod. “I love him, Sammy, so much. God, what if I can’t get to him in time?”
My sister has never been one to bullshit or coddle. Instead of feeding me some line about how he’s going to be fine, her features flash with grim determination. “Let’s just get you there first, okay? One bridge at a time.”
I swallow down the fear that’s filling my throat and nod.
“Two minutes,” she says softly, glancing at the GPS. “Letting you go is Gavin’s last gift to you. You take it, and you find your happiness, Katy. If it’s with Chris, then it’s with Chris. Because it’s what you want, and whether you believe it or not, you deserve it. You’ve been living for everyone else long enough, tiptoeing around their hearts and breaking them anyway.”
“Okay…okay,” I say, wanting to believe her. I still can’t see past the pain I’ve caused. Wiping at my face, I pull down the visor, in an attempt to get myself together.
“No one who’s been through the shit you have deserves anything less than complete fucking happiness. Do you hear me?”
“I hear you,” I assure her, blowing air up toward my eyes to dry my tears.
“Good,” Sammy says, pulling up to departures. “Soon enough, this’ll all be a distant memory, and you’ll start believing it.” She reaches over, squeezing my hand before getting out and handing me the bag she packed. “No matter what happens,” she promises as she gives me a hug that lasts long enough to soak us both, “I’ll be here.”
“I love you,” I say, hugging her tighter. “You’re my rock, Sammy.”
“I know,” she sighs, “but I knew you were in love with him from the letters you wrote. I should have been a tougher rock.”
Pulling away, I shake my head. “No thanks,” I say, and we share an exhausted smile. She’s been with me all day—to break my fall, pick me up, and is now standing in the pouring rain making sure I find my footing enough to face my fate.
“Get back to me, no matter how many pieces you’re in. Promise me.” I see the fear in her eyes. “’Cause I’ll be the fucking glue, too. I can’t lose you again, Katy.”
“I promise.” And it’s one I know I’ll keep, no matter how painful.
Sitting in the terminal, I search through my racing thoughts and check my phone for any word from Chris’s Gran and find nothing, not even a missed call. I wonder if she’s back in Louisiana, gambling.
What if she doesn’t even know?
I’ll make it a point to call her as soon as I get a clear update on his condition.
FOX broadcasts above me in the terminal as I search for any news of his condition and get nothing. A happy couple sits a few seats away from me, talking quietly about their plans as soon as they land, probably for their honeymoon. Ache drives in deep as I note the way he looks at her. Forty-eight minutes to boarding, and then a connection before a nine-hour flight. Every minute counts, and they’re stacked against me.
“I knew you were in love with him from the letters you wrote.”
Letters.
“Oh, my God!” I jump in my seat, scaring the couple as I furiously thumb my phone to open the Facebook app. There sits a message in my inbox from Christopher Briggs.
A tiny amount of relief escapes my lips as I open it.
Scottie,
I want you to know outright that I have been the laughing stock of my entire fucking team the last few days because of you. “Help me, help you?” Yeah, thanks for that. I’m pretty sure I’ve never known embarrassment quite like this. Just know that I’m watching your movie now, and I love it as much as you thought I would. But that’s not why I’m writing.
Bullshit aside, I can’t stop thinking about the way I left things the last time we spoke. Apart from losing you, it’s what lays heaviest on my heart.
I’m so sorry.
There will never be a time in my life where I don’t want to hear your voice or see your face.
I don’t regret a single thing that happened between us, not a second. Trust me, I hold them closer to my heart than I have a right to because they were stolen.
All too often I’m reminded just how short life is, and because of you, I’ll die both soldier and thief. I can live with that because I’d steal more time for you, if I could. I’d steal far more than the glimpse life allowed me.
Letting you go rips me apart daily. I’d be lying if I said I was succeeding. I’m a soldier through and through. It’s not in my nature to give up. You taught me how to love, and I don’t think this heart is ever going to let me quit you.
There are only two things in life I’m sure of: my love of this country and my love for you, only one can I do anything about.
So, I’m back here, doing what I do best, fighting for you while giving you the space you need to mend your family and live the life you chose. I had no right to demand anything of you, but I hope you know it was my selfish pride lashing out. I love you. I live for you. But I know I have to start living for me.
I need to know my life means something. To feel the adrenaline rush through my veins—a rush I’ve only felt out here and when I held you in my arms.
Scottie, you are without a doubt the love of my life, and I want nothing more than for you to have everything your heart desires. Unfortunately, we both know that can’t be. You were forced to choose, and you chose your family. I could never fault you for that. I understand, even though it hurts.
Consequently, I don’t get to make a choice. My country wins by default. But if I’d had the chance to choose, it would have been you.
For as long as I live, it will always be you.
Forever yours,
Briggs
Chapter Seventy
Katy
I miss my connection due to weather and am forced to wait until morning to fly out. The entire trip is agony, and the car ride to the hospital has me crying hysterically. The cab driver doesn’t speak any English, but I can see his concern as he constantly glances back at me. I do my best to keep my composure, but images of Chris flash through my brain like an old projector.
His boot landing in the sand in front of me before our eyes met for the first time.