I sit up, put my feet on the floor, and let my hands hang between my legs. My heart is racing and my palms are sweating. I make no move to pull Lia to me again. Maybe we both need space between us for the last part of my story.
“Before I knew what was happening, there was a searing pain in my neck, almost as if it was on fire. Then it seemed as if there was blood everywhere. Something was choking me. I couldn’t breathe. I saw the knife in her hand and…fuck. She was going to kill me. I just lay there, already accepting the inevitable when suddenly she raised the knife and smiled down at me before cutting one of her wrists—and then the other. I tried to stop her, but I was so sluggish. I could barely move. Then she raised the knife one last time and brought it down…” I feel the wetness dripping down my face and am surprised to realize I’m crying.
“She killed your baby,” Lia sobbed from somewhere beside me. She crawls between my knees and puts her head on my lap as she continues to cry. I stroke her hair, offering silent comfort as my tears fall to mingle with hers.
“Aidan found us,” I manage to get out. “I have no idea if he was already home that night and we woke him, or if he got home just in time. We would have both died without him, instead of just…the baby. I’ll never know what that must have done to him, finding us like that. We’ve never spoken of it—ever. I don’t have many memories of what happened after until I woke up in the hospital. Aidan was destroyed that he hadn’t come sooner, thinking he could have stopped what happened. I was too much of a fucking coward to tell him that I had caused her to snap by sleeping with someone else.”
“How could she have known about that?” Lia asks the question that I asked myself for months afterward. It’s a piece to the puzzle that never fit. After a while, I let it go. I was guilty, so what did the particulars matter?
“I don’t know. I’m guessing that a friend saw me and called her. It’s a moot point.” I feel the anguish I’d tried to bury for years rise up to choke me. “Because I couldn’t be faithful, my child never drew a breath. Do you have any idea how much I fucking hate myself for that?”
Lia is back in my arms again. Her legs wrap around my waist and her arms wrap around my neck. She whispers low words of comfort and love that I don’t deserve but desperately need. I soak up everything she is freely offering me, hoping that her love can cleanse the black from my soul.
“Shhh, I’ve got you, baby. I love you so much, Luc, and I’m not going anywhere.” She kisses the tears that slide down my face. When we have both calmed, she softly asks, “Where is Cassie now?”
I stroke my hand up and down her back. “She’s in a psychiatric hospital a few hours from here. I didn’t press charges against her and refused to answer any questions about that night. Cassie had some type of mental break so she was going to end up institutionalized anyway. I hated her for what she did, but I couldn’t completely turn my back on her since I set the events of that night into motion. I’m her legal guardian, although I’ve turned the decisions concerning her care over to Aidan and Max.”
“Do you visit her?” Lia asks, looking uncomfortable. I guess if the situation were reversed, no matter how fucked up it was, I’d be a bit uneasy knowing she had someone like that still on the fringes of her life.
“No, not in a long time. She has gone through periods of acting as if she’s still pregnant.” When Lia looks confused, I add, “She would stuff a pillow under her shirt and stroke it—like a baby. She doesn’t appear to remember anything about that night and what she did.”
“Oh, God.” Lia flinches. “Is she never expected to recover? To be normal again?” I really didn’t want to answer those questions, knowing it would cause her to worry, but she needed to know—just in case. It appeared being with me was never going to be easy.
“There have been things happening recently. New developments with her. It may turn out to be nothing, but I don’t know at this point. She’s been engaging with people there and has said a few things to Aidan, leading him to believe she is beginning to recover. The doctors have tried many medications, but the new one is part of the drug trial. They believe she may be responding to it.”
Lia chews her bottom lip, the only outward sign she’s distressed by my news. “If she doesn’t remember anything, then if she gets better, won’t she think that you are still…together? Shit! You don’t have to answer that. It sounds incredibly selfish of me to worry about losing you after everything you’ve shared.” She looks down as if embarrassed and I see a tinge of red on her cheeks.
“Look at me, baby,” I order gently. She slowly lifts her head and I cup her cheek. “I’ve never loved a woman the way I love you. Cassie and I were kids…and the worst thing to ever happen to each other. If I hadn’t been such a competitive and selfish asshole, I would have never crossed the line from a friend with her. Aidan has always loved her and they should have been together. We’ve all paid the price because that didn’t happen. No matter what becomes of her, it changes nothing with us. You are my present, my future, and my forever. I can only hope that you’ll see all of this through with me because I need you. I can’t go back to who I was before. If you feel insecure because of what I did while I was with Cassie…I swear on my life, I will never—” Before I can finish, she puts a finger to my lips.