I’ve been pacing around my room since Asher dropped me off. All I can think about is how I’m going to make this right. The last few times we’ve been together, he always makes plans with me for the next day before letting me out of his sight, but he didn’t make any this time. I should let him come to me when he’s ready, but I’m just worried that maybe he never will be.
My phone starts to ring and I quickly move to my dresser not even bothering to see who it is before picking it up. I want to hear Asher’s voice again.
“Hello,” I say, continuing to pace.
“You finally answered your phone.”
Beau.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I wasn’t prepared to explain anything to him tonight.
“Hey,” I say, banging my palm against my forehead. I’ve been stupid to ignore him for this long. All I’ve done is create an even more awkward conversation.
“Look, Kate, I don’t know what’s up with you, but when you don’t answer my calls, I worry about you. What’s going on?” he asks. Beau never beats around the bush, and he always expects the truth from me. I just wish he knew how much further he pushes me away by always expecting something from me. Asher pushes me to do things I wouldn’t usually do, but Beau pushes me emotionally. Maybe, subconsciously, I am pushing him away so that I can figure out who I am now.
“I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot on my mind,” I reply. I’m good at giving only half of the truth.
“I’m coming home this weekend,” he says, frustration dripping from his voice.
“No. I want you to spend one month just having fun, and then if you want to come see me for a weekend, you can. Maybe I can even come to visit you.” The last part isn’t likely to happen because too many people from my past go to the same college; people who made my life hell the last two years because I wasn’t “me” anymore.
“Dammit, why are you doing this? And what’s this shit about if I want to come see you?” he asks, his voice getting angrier.
“You’ve been with me almost constantly for two years, Beau. At some point, you just have to live your life and let me wallow in mine!” I yell, more than a little frustrated with him.
“I talked to Morgan the other day,” he says suddenly.
“What does she have to do with this?” I ask, softly banging my head against the window. He knows how Morgan treated me, and I’m surprised he even gave her the time of day.
“She stopped me in the student center to tell me she saw you last weekend at Carrington Days. She said you looked really good . . . with your new friend,” he says, putting extra emphasis on the last word.
I close my eyes tight and turn back to the window, sliding down to the floor. I didn’t want him to find out about Asher this way. I don’t want him to think he’s replaceable because he’s not.
“Oh, that was just Asher. He’s new in town, and I was showing him around,” I reply, resting my forehead against my knees.
“I could barely get you out of the house when I was around, but you’re going to Carrington Days with some random new guy?” His voice is full of frustration.
I wince. “He dared me.”
He’s silent for a few seconds. I try to think of something else besides my lame excuse, but I can’t. “You know what, I’m too tired to deal with this today. I’ll just text you tomorrow.” He doesn’t wait for me to reply before hanging up the phone.
I feel like someone just drove a screwdriver through my heart. I don’t know why I keep him at arm’s length when it’s obvious he just wants to be there for me, but I also don’t know why he lets me. He just wants what’s best for me, but I hate that he keeps sacrificing his own happiness to give it to me. I don’t deserve it. I send him a quick text before getting ready for bed.
I’m sorry.
I started the day out with a best friend and a nice guy who I’ve been having fun getting to know. Now, I’m pretty sure that my best friend isn’t talking to me, and that guy who I’d like to know better is probably giving up on me.
Why can’t things just go back to the way they used to be?
Chapter 10
I HAVE TODAY OFF, and all I can think about is how I’m going to fix the mess I created yesterday. Beau never responded to my text, but after a day or two, I’m hoping he’ll come around and talk to me again.
Asher is a different story. I don’t know if he’s used to running from things like I do, or if he faces them head on, but I feel as if I’m the one in control of the situation. It’s my turn to make a move and decide where we go from here.
After lunch, I take a chance and run to his house to talk to him. I need to let him know that what he said yesterday doesn’t affect our friendship, but I can’t be any more than that right now.
When I reach his street, I notice his Mustang isn’t in the driveway, so I jog past the diner and it isn’t there either. The only other place I can think of that he might be is the lake house. I pick up my pace. I need to talk to him and get everything out in the open before I lose the courage to go through with it. The longer run just gives me more time to figure out exactly what I’m going to say.
As I near the residential side of the lake, I can see his car in the driveway, and my heart starts to beat a little harder inside my chest. I’m only minutes away from trying to salvage one of the few good things to have walked into my life.
I slow to a walk as I get closer. I can hear movement from behind the house, so I speed up my pace, anxious to see him again. I hear his voice but my feet halt in place when I see that he’s not alone. He’s facing my direction, but his eyes are focused on a woman with long blonde hair who stands less than a foot in front of him. He’s holding a piece of her golden locks in his hand, running his fingers down the length of it. The worst part . . . he seems to be enjoying himself.
He isn’t looking at her like he looks at me, but there’s a lightness to his expression that I don’t normally see. I don’t know who the girl is, but I find myself getting irritated when I see the attention he’s giving her.
I can’t watch them anymore. I walk backwards a few steps before turning to run back down the driveway.
“Kate, wait!” Asher shouts.
I hear his feet hitting the gravel and I stop, knowing it won’t take him long to catch me.
“What are you doing here?” he asks. I can feel him close behind me.
I spin around to face him, trying to come up with a new plan for how I’m going to apologize. His eyes are shooting darts into me, and the light expression he had just a couple minutes ago seems desperate now. I’m only a couple feet away, but I can hear every breath he takes. It reminds me of the way he looked at me on the dock before he told me he wanted to kiss me.
“I came to apologize for the way I acted yesterday,” I say, looking behind him to see the blonde looking in our direction. “But I see that you’re busy so I’ll just leave you two.”
I turn to start toward the road again, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back into his chest. “Don’t go,” he whispers.
I try to move forward, but his arms are wrapped too tightly around me. “Please let go of me!” I yell, trying to free my body from his arms. Being confined instantly makes me tense.
He loosens his grip on me, but continues to hug me close. “Stay.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head back and forth. “Why? I don’t want to be the third wheel.”
“Stop! Becca just came over to say hi,” he says. I can feel his warm breath against my neck.
“Asher, I’m just going to go. Call me or something,” Becca says, walking around us toward the house next door. He lifts one hand in front of us to wave goodbye but doesn’t loosen his hold on me.
“It looked like more,” I say with a little more edge in my voice than I intended.
“Why does it matter?” he grits through his teeth.
That’s one question I don’t have an answer to right now. I don’t understand why seeing him with someone else affected me so much when the reason I came over here was to tell him I wanted to remain friends.
“I don’t know!”
I just can’t take it anymore. The last twenty-four hours of frustration and regret catch up to me, and all I can do is fall back into his arms. The last few days, I started to feel more like a person with a beating heart, but now I feel like it’s all slipping away from me again. Asher spins me around so that my chest is pressed against his and holds me tight in his strong arms as I let everything pour out of me. Usually, I shut myself down until I’m safely inside my bedroom before I let myself breakdown, but for some reason I’m able to let Asher see it all.
“Will you talk to me?” he asks, carefully rubbing his hands up and down my back.
I shake my head against his chest. Just because I’ll let him see me like this, doesn’t mean I’m ready to let him hear about the ugly demons that live inside me. He holds me against his body until I’ve calmed down enough that my body stops shaking.
He takes a step back, but wraps his hands around my elbows to keep me close. “I think now would be a good time to tell you my fact for the day. I’ve been with my share of girls, but you are by far the most complicated, frustrating one. Yet, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“I’m not with you,” I say, shaking my head.
He swallows, briefly looking away from my eyes. “I know.”
For the first time, it hits me. The reason my heart was on fire when I saw him with his fingers in Becca’s hair, and the reason I’m so frustrated . . . is the reason I came here today. I want his fingers caressing my hair.
And right now as I stare at his lips, I want to feel those too.
I’m jealous.
“What is Becca to you?” I ask, trying my best to hide the bitterness in my voice.
He glances up at the clear blue sky before his eyes find my face again. “She’s lived next door for as long as I can remember. When I was younger and I visited my dad, we used to have lots of fun together. She’s just an old friend.”