“You deserve a lifetime of moments like these,” I say, kissing him again. He reaches behind my head to deepen the kiss, paying attention to my lips first, and then pressing his tongue into my mouth. My heart flutters when he slides his hand under my shirt to massage my lower back. I moan as he slows the kiss and pulls my lower lip between his teeth.
When I look into his eyes again, I see lust mixed with concern. “If I ever push you too far and you want to stop, all you have to do is tell me. I’m not the type of guy who takes things from a girl that she doesn’t want to give. I’m not him,” he says, nuzzling my nose with his. “I need you to remember you always have control. Always.”
I lift my head and softly kiss his cheek. “I’d like to continue what we were doing.”
“I can manage that,” he says, propping his head in his hand. I’m bursting with anticipation as I wait to feel more of his delicious kisses.
Asher doesn’t disappoint. He wraps his hand around the back of my head again, tangling his fingers in my hair. I wait anxiously for the explosion that always goes off inside my body when his warm skin first touches mine. He has a way of pulling me out of the deep, dark black hole I thought I’d be lost in forever. With each day spent with him, I get a little closer to the surface and I can finally see the sun poking through.
If I had known life could be like this for me, even after everything that happened, I would have worked a little harder for it. But maybe he’s the only one who could bring this transparency back to my life. It’s something I wouldn’t have found on my own.
“Where do you want me to kiss you first?” he growls, making my heart beat at lightning pace. He’s giving me control. For the first time, I’m comfortable enough to take that control.
“My neck, below my ear,” I pant, closing my eyes while I wait for him to shower my body with kisses. I’ve never wanted something more in my entire life.
My breath hitches when his tongue brushes against the delicate skin. When his lips finally press against the same spot, they linger, letting me take in the moment and store it away in my memory.
“Where do you want me now?” he whispers above my ear, sending an electric current from my forehead to my toes.
“My lips. I need to feel your lips.”
He teases me, nuzzling his nose against mine before giving me what I really want. When it finally happens, it’s like I’m floating on a lone cloud on the clearest of summer days. And when his tongue starts dancing in circles with mine, I feel a ping in my heart and wrap my arms around his neck to bring our bodies closer.
My dream quickly turns to a nightmare, though, when he leans his body over mine, trapping me between him and the mattress. Out of nowhere, all I feel is Drew, and my whole body stiffens.
I don’t feel Asher’s lips. Instead, I feel that pain that was caused when Drew forced his lips on mine. Suddenly, it’s not Asher’s body leaning on top of mine, but Drew’s weight holding me down. When I feel his hardness press up against my thigh, the moment right before Drew pushed into me that night plays in my mind. I can feel the physical and emotional pain as if it’s happening to me right now.
Fear.
“Kate,” Asher says shaking my upper arms. I was so consumed by my inner demons that I didn’t realize he had stopped kissing me.
“Just get off me,” I cry, pressing against his chest. “Now.” All my control is gone again, and helplessness is the terrorist messing with all of my happiness.
There’s a look of pure horror on Asher’s face as he quickly moves to my side. I feel as if I’ve become some sort of monster. I know I’m not, but there sure as hell is one living inside of me, constantly reminding me why I can’t enjoy simple things like having a passionate moment with the incredible guy lying next to me.
Asher carefully pulls away the hair from my tear stained cheeks and lightly runs the back of his finger along the side of my face. “Please tell me what I did wrong,” he begs, staring at me with burning intensity, “because I never want to see that look on your face again.”
My chest feels like it’s being compressed in a clamp, and all I can do to ease the pressure is take a few deep, cleansing breaths. I should be enjoying this. I’m with a guy who is patient and caring, but all I see is the jerk who did this to me. Some things don’t work out the way they’re supposed to, I get that, but this . . .
This is beyond any punishment that anyone could ever deserve.
“I don’t like having anyone on top of me. It brings back too many things I’d like to forget. But it has absolutely nothing to do with you,” I tell him, crying. I place my palm against his cheek.
“Are you sure?” he asks, shutting his eyes tight. “Cause that sure didn’t sound like nothing.” I can feel that my history is going to have a negative effect on him. It’s the reason I should have never started this in the first place. Somehow, I’ll end up pushing him away and ruin whatever this is between us.
But I’m in too deep to give up to give up on him now.
“You’ve been nothing but good to me; more than good actually. But if we’re going to do this, you have to understand that you’re not just getting me. You’re also getting my past. I wish that I could bleach out all the bad, but this is who I am.”
He runs his fingers through the hair that frames my face. “I want to make things better for you, not worse. I don’t want to be a bad memory. I like who you are. I love every f**king thing I see when I look at you.”
If my heart could melt, it would be in a puddle at my feet right now. This guy is definitely a Carrington import . . . they just don’t breed them like this around here. Well, unless you count Beau. I used to think he was the one who made the world turn on its axis. Maybe I’d still feel that way if things hadn’t changed so drastically.
“I like you too,” I say, trying to even out my breathing.
“Then we don’t have anything to worry about.” He brushes some more loose strands of hair away from my eyes.
“Where did I find you?” I ask, giving the hint of a smile.
“Well, I think I technically found you.” He smiles.
“You did walk into my territory,” I say, grinning from ear to ear.
“There’s that smile I want to see more of.” He presses a kiss to my forehead, then the tip of my nose, and ends on my lips.
I have to remind myself that I only had a momentary setback, but I’m not going to let it ruin me. I’m not going to let it ruin us. Learning to let go is hard, but Asher’s proving to be a great teacher.
“I should probably go home. Mom and I always watch movies on Sunday.”
“Do you have to go? I sure wouldn’t mind watching movies with you all day,” he says lightly kissing my lips.
“I’ll take you up on that someday, but today is not that day.” I smile.
“Have it your way then. If you change your mind later, you have my number.” He winks, unraveling his arms and sitting up in the bed. I instantly miss his warmth.
“I’ll grab your clothes from the dryer,” he says, standing and stretching his arms above his head.
I certainly wouldn’t mind wearing his sweatpants and t-shirt home; they have his woodsy scent all over them and it settles everything inside of me. It amazes me how much I notice about him that I don’t notice about anyone else . . . he’s a colorful abstract painting that I can’t peel my eyes away from.
His room, however, is anything but a work of art. His walls are a sterile white without a single thing hanging on them. There’s a small oak desk against the wall opposite the bed, but the only thing that’s on it is a notebook. There’s a window to the left of the bed with an old ivory curtain covering it, and an old worn dresser on the right side of the bed. While the room is obviously lived in, there isn’t anything that gives me a glimpse into Asher’s life.
“All clean,” Asher says, walking back into the room. He’s changed from his sweats into jeans and a navy blue t-shirt, which highlights every muscle on his arms and chest perfectly.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. I’ll wait for you in the living room so you can get dressed.” He kisses the top of my head before exiting the room. I quickly change into my clean clothes and comb my fingers through my hair as the morning’s events run through my mind. Now that Asher and I understand each other, it’s easier to be honest with him when something happens that triggers a memory.
I’d thought I was just going fishing; in no way did I ever think I would tell Asher about my secret. After he’d told me his, I couldn’t hold back anymore. In fact, it just sort of came out as if it was meant to happen that way. And he didn’t judge me. He didn’t tell me everything I’d done wrong. He’d simply tried to wash away some of my fear by giving me memories that I would remember for the rest of my life. He’s erasing some of the hurt and fear from my heart.
I may not be into superheroes, but if I were, Asher would be it for me.
After I’m dressed, I quickly go in the bathroom to fix my ponytail and brush my teeth using my finger and some toothpaste I found in the drawer. When I’m done, I take a few extra minutes to look at myself in the mirror. There’s a hint of a change on my face and it looks, and feels, good.
I wish I could feel this way every minute of every day for the rest of my life. But if what happened with Asher is any indication, there will come a day when it rains and everything comes back to haunt me again. When it does, I know that Asher and his warm, soft lips will be strong enough to push it out of my memory.
As soon as I leave the bathroom, I spot Asher sleeping on the couch. He looks so peaceful with his arms crossed over his chest and head resting against the back of the couch. I hate to disturb him, but my mom will have a search party out for me if I miss movie day.
“Asher,” I say softly, gently shaking his shoulder.
He doesn’t even blink.