“So we’re good?” I finally ask.
“We’re good, but no more running. We can’t keep playing this game if we’re going to make our relationship work.” She’s right; we’re never going to last if we keep playing this back and forth game. One of us will eventually get tired of it and call it quits for good.
“I know,” I say, kissing her forehead. It isn’t long before I hear her breathing even out and know that she’s sleeping. She looked exhausted when she arrived earlier, and today couldn’t have been easy for her, but she was my rock. She really is stronger than she gives herself credit for.
After she falls asleep, I lay there staring at the ceiling, thinking about some of the good memories with my mom. When we were really young, she used to bake cookies with us after school and we would be excited to tell Dad as soon as he came through the door after work. I remember taking day trips to the beach and building sand castles. She was a perfectionist then; the peaks had to be smooth and if even a little bit fell apart, we would start all over. I think she may have given me some of my sculpting skills.
I realize there is a little bit of light in the darkness. My life wasn’t easy, but a little bit of goodness still shines through, mixing a few good memories with the bad. My relationship with Alex is the same way, but I like to think we have a little bit of darkness in the light. It will never be perfect but as long as I see her and prove to her every day that she holds my heart, we should always shine through.
Chapter Nineteen
When I wake up, my cheek is still pressed against Dane’s firm chest. I was so tired when we went to bed last night, I don’t even remember falling asleep. He’s still sleeping peacefully, looking handsome as ever with his lips slightly parted. Even in his sleep, though, I can see the sadness. He’s been through so much and I worry about him. How much more can one person take?
When I received the call from Nolan yesterday, I was in shock. Janet had just been at our apartment for breakfast a few days before; she seemed to be in perfect health and now she’s gone. I didn’t hesitate for even a second when Nolan asked me to come home. I had Jade drive me straight to our apartment, jumped out of the car and told her I would call her later. There’s so much I need to talk to her about; I feel like a horrible friend because my life keeps getting in the way of talking to her about her life.
She asked at least ten times during our drive if I wanted her to stay, but I needed to be alone with him. I knew he’d be hurting, and we had other things to sort through. What I witnessed when I walked through the apartment door made it hard for me to breathe. He was sitting on the floor looking every bit as broken as he probably felt. His head was lowered and his chin trembling. Both our bodies were shaking when I wrapped my arms around his body. I’ve never been able to feel someone’s pain like I feel Dane’s.
Now, he looks peaceful, yet his face doesn’t have the youthfulness it usually does. His eyes are still puffy, and the lines on his forehead are visible even in his sleep. I relax myself back into him and run my fingers over his tattooed chest. I use my index finger to trace each tattoo before running my hand down his arm to run my fingers over my name on his wrist.
I know some people would say I forgave Dane way too easily, but they haven’t lived in our shoes. Together we’re trying to figure out how to have a normal relationship, but there are walls we will continue to climb. I’m not perfect, not by a long shot, and I can’t expect him to be either. The day we got the tattoos was our promise of forever, and it would take more than words to break that.
He shifts beside me, slowly opening his eyes. “Hey, baby, have you been up long?” he asks, brushing the hair off my face.
“Just a few minutes. I must have fallen asleep right away last night,” I reply, looking up into his lost eyes.
“Yeah, you were pretty tired,” he says, entwining our fingers, allowing our tattoos to connect. I haven’t regretted my tattoos once since I got them. They weren’t about possession or ownership; they were a showing of our love and connection.
He starts moving his other hand up my shirt, stopping right below my breasts. “I need to feel you. Is this okay?” he asks, propping himself up on one arm to look into my eyes. I nod, feeling warmth build in my stomach. His hand travels between my br**sts before he slowly runs it over each one. After a few minutes of teasing, soft touches, he carefully pulls me up, lifting my shirt up over my head.
He crosses his legs over mine so that we’re sitting face to face. I lick my lips, waiting for him to kiss me, but he sits with his eyes locked on mine, showing so much emotion. I lean in, cupping his face in my hands, and touch my lips to his. He answers, but his lips are soft and gentle as they savor me. His hands continue their exploration of my body, but every movement is slow and meaningful, like he’s burning every curve of my body into memory.
He pulls back and meets my eyes again as he sits back to slide my panties down my legs. The way he is looking at me right now is enough to bring tears to my eyes. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I whisper, sliding my hands down his chest. He wears sadness and desire. I can see the love and the pain. He’s damaged and broken, but I can put him back together. Piece by piece, I’ll put him back together.
He nods, leaning in to kiss me again. He runs his lips down the side of my neck while I grab onto his back, pulling him as close as I can. “I’ve never wanted anything more in my life,” he mutters against my skin. I’m hyper-aware of everywhere his body touches mine as he lies us both down on the bed, covering my body with his. My skin tingles as his fingers trace their way up my legs, stopping between them.
He strokes his thumb over my sensitive nub while easing two fingers inside of me, pumping them in and out. My whole body buckles under his touch, and when he sucks my nipple into his mouth, I feel myself losing control. I feel free, like my whole body is in water with nothing weighing me down as I start to tighten around his fingers and I can no longer control my screams. His mouth covers mine as his fingers slowly slide out of me, leaving me wanting more.
“Dane, please,” I say against his lips. He slides his body between my legs, slowing easing himself into mine. He carefully pulls back until we’re almost separated before sliding back in. His eyes are piercing into me and the intensity from them, and the tenderness of his movements, makes my eyes well up with tears. This is where I’m meant to be; every part of me feels it.
I’m so close when he rests his weight on me, completely covering my body with his. The friction winds my body up again, but I hold on, waiting for him. His face hovers over my face and he rubs the tip of his nose against mine before taking my lower lip between his teeth. My body can’t hold off any longer. “I’m going to-”
My words are lost as his lips connect with mine.
He uses his forearms to lift his body as he quickens his movements. I watch as he closes his eyes, biting his lower lip. “You feel so good,” he breathes. His eyes open right before we both let go. It’s one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced in my life…looking into his eyes and seeing mine within them as we say everything we feel in our hearts without moving our lips.
I wrap my arms tight around him, pulling his body close to mine. His heart beats rapidly against mine, and the room is filled with complete silence. We both need this…to feel each other, to know we’re okay.
Moments like this help wash the ones I want to forget from my memory. Lying here holding him against my chest, reminds me that this is where I belong. No matter what happens or who tries to come between us, we need each other.
Today we have to deal with something that we both wish we didn’t, but we’ll do it together, and come out of it together. That’s what you do when you really care for someone. You stand by them when they need you the most.
“Do you want to grab some coffee and take a ride on the bike? I mean, we should probably find the name of the cemetery so we can make arrangements,” I ask, breaking the silence. I know this is going to be another hard day for him, but I’m going to do my best to be there. I’m going to show him that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him.
He sighs, burying his face in my chest. I know this is hard, especially since he’s been down this road before. “Yeah, I can’t put it off any longer,” he says, resting his cheek on my breast.
“Do you think Nolan wants to come with us?” I ask, running my fingers through his hair.
“No, I heard him leave last night, and he hasn’t come back.” I try not to think about what Nolan is doing now. I saw his face last night, and he was trying to hard to be strong. The pain needs to be washed away from him somehow, and I know how he’s used to getting rid of it.
Dane props himself up, grabbing my chin between his fingers. “I need to tell you something.”
I feel my mouth go dry. I’m not sure I want to hear this from the look in his eyes. No one says that and delivers good news.
“The other night after our fight, I was really tempted to use, but I called my counselor instead. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us,” he says softly, waiting for me to respond.
I’m relieved that he told me and that he found a way to push through without turning to the substance that held him hostage for so many years. I know it’s hard for him to do, to admit.
“When you need me, I’ll always be here. We’ll work through this together.”
“I know,” he says, kissing me on the forehead.
We lay there for a few more minutes before getting out of bed to start our day. Dane is so hesitant and lost; I know it’s going to take everything I have to get him through this. I’m all he has now.
We grab a coffee down the street before making our way to Dane’s bike. I ask him if he was okay to drive and he says it will actually help him to be on the bike for a while. I still get a little nervous when I first climb on the bike, but I’m much more relaxed than the first time.
The sky is clear today which is a contradiction to what Dane and I have to accomplish. It’s going to be difficult and emotional, and as we close in on Dane’s old neighborhood, I can feel his body tense in my arms.