Making love to Alex Riley opens my heart and soul. She sees all of me, and every time we connect like this I feel a little closer to her. She owns me. She completely and totally owns all of me.
We lay silently, catching our breath, bodies still tangled. When I look into her blue eyes, I see a spark that wasn’t there when I first met her. Those blue eyes never looked so bright.
My arms are wrapped tight around her, cradling her body to mine. I think about everything we’ve been through, and I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s our story, and so far I think this is the best chapter, but I wouldn’t be here right now without the ones that came before it.
I loosen my grip enough to allow Alex to turn in my arms so that I can see her again. “I’m the man I want to be when I’m with you. I have never loved, and never been loved like I am when I’m with you,” I whisper, moving my face a little closer to hers.
“I love you, Dane, I always will,” she replies, running her index finger over my cheekbone.
“Do you know what drew me to you?” I could feel her breathing against my lips. I wanted to kiss her, but I also wanted to tell her what I had to say because she needed to know why I picked her. I could’ve had any girl I wanted, but this one was “the one”.
“When I looked in your eyes, I saw myself. There was something about the power of your smile that didn’t reach your eyes. I wanted to make your eyes smile. I knew I had to have you and I would do anything to get you,” I admit, pressing a kiss to her lips.
“I’m glad you didn’t give up on me,” she replies, wrapping her arms around my neck. We stayed like that for the rest of the morning, holding each other and listening to the sounds around us. Nothing has ever felt as euphoric as this moment. Not everything can be perfect, but this moment is. When I look back at my life years from now, this will be one of my favorite memories.
“So what do you want to do today?” I ask, resting my chin on her chest.
“I thought we weren’t making any plans?” she says, running her fingertips above my ears. I don’t know why but it drives me crazy…in a good way.
“We aren’t really, but I didn’t know if you had anything in particular you wanted to do today. We can just hop on the bike and go.” It’s what I’ve been dreaming of doing since the day I bought that bike.
“I like that idea. Maybe we’ll see a sign and stop here and there, but I want to ride. I wouldn’t mind riding horses sometime, or taking a swim in a lake,” she says, softly. Her fingers stop their movement momentarily, like I’m going to deny her.
I lift my head to rub my lips against hers. “We can do it all. This trip is about relaxing, so if those things will help you do that, we’ll do them.”
“I love you,” she whispers against my lips.
“I love you, too.”
Life’s about moving forward and letting go. I’ve done things in my life that I’m not proud of, but no matter what I do, I can’t erase it. They are part of my history. They are part of what built me. I’ve lost so much, but I gained a lot too.
I can never get my sister or mom back. I may never get Nolan back. I can never say I’m not an addict because I always will be. I can’t say I haven’t done, or said a million things that I would love to take back, but it’s all part of me.
And I can guarantee that life will hit me again, but I’m better at dealing with it now. I’m better with Alex. As long as we’re both on this Earth, I’ll show her what she means to me. She’s it for me.
Epilogue
Wishes.
Sometimes they come true before we even know we have them.
Dane is a wish come true…he has been since the day I met him in the club exactly one year ago.
We experienced the best of life, the worst in death, and everything in between. The first six months of our relationship were completely uphill, covered in rugged terrain and falling rocks, but we made it through.
We committed to each other, not just on our good days, but also on the bad. I feel like we can make it through anything now…he’s my forever.
He calls today our anniversary. I think it’s up for debate since we weren’t together until a few weeks later, but he says that’s the day I became his even if I didn’t realize it then. In a way, he’s right. That’s the day fate, or whatever you want to call it, brought us together. Two different people with scarred hearts waiting to be saved.
I’m not sure what he has planned for tonight, but he bought me a black dress to wear. His art career has really taken off, and he insists on buying me things whenever the opportunity comes up. I used to fight it…I like standing on my own two feet, but I realized how much it means to him, so I let him. The dress is strapless, but in classic Dane style he made sure it flows to my knees, not an inch shorter. I paired it with black tights and a red blazer because the January weather is true to New York City style: cold and windy.
Dane told me to be outside at 7:00pm and when I open the door to step out onto the sidewalk, I’m greeted by a man standing in front of a black Town Car, holding a sign with my name on it. He remains stoic as he opens the door, then hands me a note and a warm Starbucks cup.
As soon as he closes the door, I rip open the small envelope and pull out the note.
To say I’m smiling would be the understatement of the century. My lips are stretched as far as they can possibly go as I take a sip of the hot chocolate. No matter how long we’re together, he never stops taking care of me. It’s a new feeling for me, but one I’ve come to appreciate.
I rest my head on the cold window and watch the city lights go by, remembering the girl I was when I moved to the city a year and a half ago. That girl was weak, afraid, and most of all, she felt unloved and unseen. She didn’t have a purpose that was her own. She didn’t know what happiness was.
That girl is gone. She’s never coming back.
I feel like everything about me is the way it was meant to be. I’m following my dreams, living with my wish come true, and I don’t feel like a stranger to myself. I fit like a piece to a puzzle right where I am.
When the car pulls in front of the little Italian place where Dane and I ate our first meal together, I feel my heart rate pick up. It’s our place...the one I never thought we would get to enjoy our always and forevers in, but now we can.
He’s in there; I can feel it. The driver opens my door, and I climb out, careful not to trip over the curb. I wonder if he’s looking out the window, grinning as he waits for me.
When I open the restaurant door, Dane is standing right in front of me with his hand extended. He looks like he belongs on the cover of GQ with his charcoal grey button up and black suit. He didn’t quite go for a tie, opting to leave the first few buttons of his shirt open instead.
I put my hand in his and watch as he lifts our joined hands to his lips, kissing over each one of my knuckles. “You look gorgeous,” he says, pressing his hand to my lower back and leading me to the back of the restaurant.
“You don’t look so bad yourself.” I catch a sideways glance at him and notice the smile that spreads across his face. He’s been so happy and content lately. Nolan’s still giving us issues from time to time, but Dane won’t let him stay and won’t let him borrow any money. His old habits are back, and every day is a struggle. Dane’s trying to let go, trying to remember that he can’t change Nolan. This is something Nolan has to do himself. We’re just hoping that the something happens sooner than later. Losing Nolan would crush Dane.
We enter a door to a small private dining room with a table full of candles and flowers. My eyes tear up. Dane spends his time making me happy and sometimes it overwhelms me.
He pulls a chair out for me, and our meal is served in four different courses. By the time we finish eating, I’m stuffed and ready to go to bed, but Dane says he has one more surprise for me.
We both climb into the car this time, and it pulls up in front of the Modern gallery where Dane and I shared our first kiss. Just the memory of it makes me touch my lips.
Dane hops out of the car and comes over to open my door for me. I place my hand in his as we make our way inside the building. “Is there a show here tonight?” I ask.
I don’t know what it is, but he seems really nervous. His knees didn’t stop bouncing once over dinner, or in the car. His forehead glistens with sweat even though it’s freezing outside, and he keeps looking down at his watch.
“Kind of,” he says, smiling down at me. He glances at his wrist one last time before opening the door and gesturing me to go in before him.
When I do, my mouth falls open. The lighting is low tonight, but there are two paintings illuminated in the back. I recognize them as the ones I painted of Dane many months ago. The ones I intended to give him for his birthday before that all fell apart. “When did you find those?” I ask.
He pulls me toward them, rubbing his thumb over the top of my hand. “When you were in the Hamptons with Jade, I went to the studio to clear my head and saw them resting against the wall. That was the morning I realized I would never let you go. I knew before that you were the girl for me, but I realized after seeing these that you saw all of me and still wanted me. I realized how hard I have to work every day to do my part in holding us together.”
My eyes well up with tears. We’ve been seeing a counselor together to work through the issues our pasts bring to our relationship. It was his idea and every week I feel like we’re getting a little stronger.
“They look nice here. Did you sell them?” I ask, curious as to why they’re hanging in the gallery.
“Oh no, I’m keeping those,” he says, leaning his head in to kiss me. His lips are warm and soft against mine. All I can think about is what I want to do when we get home.
He grabs my hand in his again and starts walking around the corner where my eyes are shocked by candlelight. It’s everywhere, lining the room and making a walkway to a pedestal in the center of the room. The pull is too great as I let go of Dane and move toward the pedestal.