She isn’t sleeping, but she seems deep in thought, barely acknowledging my presence. “Are you okay?” I ask as I lie down beside her on the bed.
Her eyes meet mine for the first time since I entered the room and I notice her chin is trembling. My chest aches for the girl lying in front of me. When she’s in pain, I feel pain. “I just want everything to be okay,” she mumbles.
“As long as we have each other, we’ll be fine. You have to trust me.” I watch as she closes her eyes tight. I can tell tears are going to start flowing at any minute. “What’s really bothering you? Talk to me.”
“I’ve never been on my own. I’ve never made my own decisions. I’ve never not known how I was going to pay bills. Actually, I’ve never had any bills to pay. I know I sound like a spoiled brat right now, but I’m just lost. I want to be with you, but I don’t want you to have to support me,” she says, wiping the moisture from her cheeks.
“We’ll be fine. I promise.” I kiss her forehead and gently brush her hair behind her ear. “Hey, why don’t we go look for jobs together tomorrow? I’ll show you around the neighborhood, and maybe we’ll find something.”
“Really?” she says, looking more hopeful than she did a few minutes ago.
“Really.” I can’t help myself as my hand starts to move up her side to cup her breast. My lips find hers as I work to make her forget all her worries and doubts. I want to make her forget everything except me. I push her onto her back and rest my legs on either side of her hips. My hands and lips take on a frantic pace.
As I begin to remove her shorts, she stops me by wrapping her hand around my wrist. “We can’t. Nolan’s in the next room,” she whispers against my lips. Her warm breath against my skin ignites a fire, and I cup the back of her head with my hand and move in for another kiss. I don’t give a f**k that Nolan’s in the next room. She pushes hard against my chest. “Dane, stop. Not tonight, okay?”
“I can be really quiet,” I say, nibbling on her lower lip.
“Well, I can’t,” she smiles. Fuck, I’m so hard a cold shower won’t even take care of this one. I make a mental note to thank Nolan for the c**k block later.
“Damn, Nolan,” I whisper under my breath as I rest my cheek against her chest.
“How long is he here for?” she asks, running her fingers through my hair.
“Just tonight. He’s in some trouble, so I gave him until tomorrow to decide if he wants to get help. I think he’s ready, or at least I hope he is. I can’t keep bailing him out, and he either needs to make some changes, or I need to let it go.” My voice is flat, and I’m trying not to let on how much Nolan’s problems affect me. How much the guilt affects me. I learned how to close myself off a long time ago, and I like to think I’ve reached expert status.
“I hope he’s ready too.”
I kiss the top of her head. “He has so much he could be doing with his life. I just wish he could see it.”
“He has a great role model,” she replies, looking up at me with her big blue eyes. I wish I could agree. I wasn’t a role model. Sure, I helped raise him when no one else was there for us, but that doesn’t make me anything special. I wish I would’ve stayed on course, but I didn’t, and now we’re here.
“I wasn’t a good role model. I showed him how to do exactly what he’s doing.” I roll onto my back and fix my eyes on the ceiling. I’m ashamed of everything I’ve done, but I wonder if I would be here with Alex right now if I hadn’t. If I had gone to college right after high school, I wouldn’t have shared an Art class with her. If I lived a normal life, I might not have noticed her in the way I did. The first time I saw her I was ready, and I knew she was sent to me for some reason. Little did I know, we were sent to each other. We saved each other.
She straddles my hips, forcing me to look her in the eyes. “What you are now, that’s all that matters. You did exactly what he needs to do, and you can help him better than anyone else can.”
She’s not telling me anything I don’t know, but she’s forgetting the part where Nolan needs to want help before I can help him take the first step. I hope he’s hit his bottom; that’s the only way for him to see his life is going nowhere. Alex should know a little bit about this. After all, her feelings for me weren’t enough to keep her in my arms. She had to hit her emotional bottom before she realized she belonged with me, no matter what it cost her.
I reach up to pull her lips down to mine. She lets me tease, suck and nibble, but I don’t press any further. God, it takes everything in me to not get on my knees and beg her to let me go further. “I should probably go make sure Nolan is settled in for the night.” He’s high, and I know he won’t be falling asleep anytime soon, but I still want to make sure he has everything he needs.
As soon as I get up from the bed, Alex follows. “What are you doing?” My voice is a littler harsher than I intended.
“I’m going to say goodnight to Nolan and get a drink of water,” she replies. Oh, hell no. Not in that outfit.
“Stay right here and I’ll bring you a glass of water,” I say, taking in her body with my eyes. She’s gorgeous.
“But—”
I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her into my body. “I don’t like you walking around like this in front of my brother, or any man for that matter.” I move my hands up to rub her bare shoulders. Even in the moonlight, I can see her blush. “Wait right here. I’ll be back in two minutes.”
She taps her index fingers on my nose. “Tell Nolan I said goodnight then. I don’t want him to think I’m mad at him about taking my ice cream.”
“I love you,” I say, brushing my lips against her cheek.
“I love you, too.” I’m determined more than ever to help Nolan. I want him to have what I have some day. I want him to experience this type of love with someone and have it become his new drug.
Chapter Five
Before we went to bed last night, Dane warned me that Nolan would be going through withdrawals this morning. I’ve never been around an addict, so I have no idea what to expect.
One thing I definitely wasn’t expecting was to wake up alone in the apartment with Nolan this morning. Dane left a note on the kitchen counter saying he had gone to get us coffee and would be back soon. He probably figured Nolan would be sleeping for a while yet, and he’d be able to get there and back before he woke up.
I have no idea what time Nolan went to bed last night, but it had to have been long after Dane and I. We ate dinner in bed, before turning out the lights and talking for a couple hours. Dane went out to check on him one more time before we fell asleep and said he was sketching with a pencil which, I guess, is something he likes to do when he has the energy to let out.
Panic starts to rise in my chest the moment I see Nolan tossing and turning on the couch. When he sits up, I can tell he’s not feeling well because sweat is rolling down his forehead, and his face is pale.
“Do you want some aspirin?” I ask, trying to help ease the pain. I don’t know what to say to him, or what to do; it’s not like we’ve ever had a productive conversation.
He winces. “All I need right now is silence. Don’t f**king talk. Please.” I head toward the kitchen to get him some water anyway. He looks like crap, and I consider making him some breakfast, but the more I look at him, the more I doubt he’ll eat it. And if he did, he probably wouldn’t be able to keep it down. I hand him a glass of water and sit down on the chair on the opposite side of the room, trying to decide what to do next.
The room is quiet for several minutes before I decide to get up and take a shower. I can’t take the awkward silence any longer, and the way he keeps looking over at me with his brows pinched together is making me extremely uncomfortable. Plus, I need to get ready before Dane gets back. I’m hoping today will bring me my first job, but the confidence I had when I started yesterday is gone. The lady at the boutique made me feel like a nothing yesterday. I know I have no real job experience. I know I’ve never worked with money before. Most of all, I realize that she took one look at me and assumed I didn’t need a job.
Dane offered to take care of me, but it isn’t about food or having a roof over my head. It’s about proving to myself that I can stand on my own two feet without having someone there to hold me up. It’s about proving to myself that I’ve come a long way, and even if I have no one, I can make it.
Today I choose a pair of light blue jeans and a sleeveless white blouse to wear on my job search. I tried to accomplish too much yesterday by wearing a nice dress and heels. I need to scale it down to get the type of job I’m looking for. More than that, I need to look like someone who needs a job.
Dane still isn’t home when I walk out of the bedroom, but Nolan is sitting on the couch looking agitated. He looks like he wants to be anywhere but here and I want to help him, but I have no idea where to start.
“Are you feeling any better?”
He doesn’t bother looking up at me as he shakes his head. I try to picture Dane like this. It’s hard to think of Dane as anything, but the man he is now, but I know he was once on the same path. It makes me want better things for Nolan. I want him to find what Dane and I found in each other. I want him to want more.
“Do you want me to make you something to eat? I’m not a great cook, but I can make you some toast,” I say, pointing toward the kitchen.
“I don’t want anything. Just please shut the f**k up!” he yells, fisting both hands in his hair. His tone startles me, causing me to take a step back. I’m used to being talked down to; you don’t live with Catherine Riley for eighteen years and not grow some type of immunity to cruelty, but I’m not used to being yelled at.
I head to the kitchen to make myself some toast, saying a silent prayer that Dane gets home soon. I make a quick list of the stores in the area I found on the internet, hoping that one of them will be looking for help between stealing glances in Nolan’s direction. The more time I spend alone with him, watching him, the more uncomfortable I become.