“Remember how I said I thought it was time to make a change? Well, I broke up with Ryan last night and he decided to catch a cab to the airport alone this morning,” I muttered as I rolled the corner of my comforter between my fingers.
She stared at me, mouth wide open. “Are you kidding me? You dumped Ryan? Wait, did he spend the night here last night after you dumped him?” She was talking so fast that I was having trouble keeping up with all of her questions.
“No, I’m not kidding. Yes, I broke up with him and yes, he spent the night here.”
“Wow. How did he take it?” Her interest in Ryan’s feelings caught me a little off guard. This was coming from the girl who went through boys at lightning pace and never stuck around long enough to develop any real feelings. She said she was too young to be tied down and just hadn’t met her Mr. Right yet. Something told me she was afraid of commitment, but I had my own issues so I just left it alone.
“He took it hard, I guess.” I relayed the events of last night and this morning while she sat there, looking at me with a stunned look on her face.
“I didn’t think you had it in you.”
“There’s something missing. I know eventually I’ll have to marry someone like Ryan to make everyone happy, but I’m not about to string him along when he’s across the country.”
She shook her head at me. “I’m so sick of hearing you talk about making everyone happy. That is a bunch of bullshit! The only one who needs to love the person you are with is you.” I saw her point, I really did, but she didn’t have my pressures. Her parents were totally cool, hence why Jade was the way she was.
When she left the room to shower, I relaxed back into my bed, trying to fall back to sleep, when there was a knock at the door. At first I ignored it, thinking it was one of the girls from down the hall wanting to borrow something; I wasn’t in the mood to be social today. The knocking continued a few more times before I heard the person on the other end. “Alexandra Riley, open this door right now. I know you’re in there.” My heart started to race out of my chest at the thought of having to face her. I knew who that voice belonged to and why she was here. This weekend could not go any further downhill.
The woman behind that door was a constant source of stress and sadness for me. There was rarely a minute that went by when her voice didn’t play in my head. You need to be better, Alexandra. Why can’t you be more like your sister? Why are you wearing that? You shouldn’t be eating that, Alexandra. It played over and over like a bad pop song and no matter what I did, I couldn’t turn it off.
I rubbed my forehead with sweaty palms as I climbed out of bed, pacing for a moment before opening the door with a forced smile. “Hi, Mom! What are you doing here?”
She lifted her nose at my frumpy appearance before pushing past me. “Cut the crap, Alexandra, you know exactly why I’m here. Where’s that roommate of yours?” My mother was short and thin with a perfect blond bob, brown eyes and perfectly manicured nails. She spent hours every week going through various treatments to maintain her youthful appearance.
I gritted my teeth. “Why does it matter?” She narrowed her eyes at me, causing me to focus elsewhere.
I stood silent, my arms crossed over my chest, as my mother eyed our dorm room with disgust. It was simple, but it served our needs. The white walls were covered with our photos and a few random art pieces Jade and I had picked up around the city. My bed was covered in white while Jade opted for red and black; neither bed was made. Clothes hid the desk chair and hung from the closet door.
“Clean yourself up and meet me downstairs. I’ll be waiting in the car; I can’t stand to look at this place,” she said as she waved her hand in the air. I was still frozen in place when she exited the room, slamming the door shut behind her. I guess my sweats weren’t appropriate in my mom’s eyes.
My hands shook as I went to my closet to pull out a white turtleneck sweater and a pair of light grey skinny jeans. I dressed quickly, throwing on a pair of black flats and a black pea coat before pulling my unruly hair into a tight bun.
I grabbed my purse and was just about to exit when Jade entered the room, wearing only her robe. She eyed me suspiciously. “Where are you off to?”
“My mom is waiting for me downstairs,” I replied, fidgeting with my purse strap.
“Does she know about Ryan? She can’t know about that already, can she?”
“I think she does. I have no clue how she found out, but she’s not happy,” I sighed. This day was really going to suck.
Her eyes grew large. “Oh, fuck. Do you need me to go with you?” She started toward her closet, grabbing some clothes before turning back to me.
I took a deep breath. “No, I’ll be fine. Besides, I don’t think it was an open invite.”
“You’ll call me if you need anything, right?” she asked, falling into her bed.
“I’ll be fine. Movie and junk food tonight? I need it before we start classes again tomorrow.”
She smiled and nodded. “You got it.”
I said goodbye and walked out the door. I knew exactly why my mother was here. She had come to patronize me. She did this all the time; if I even took one step away from the life she had planned for me she went crazy and tried to manipulate me back into place. It had always been this way and I’d accepted it. As I opened the front door to walk onto the sidewalk, my heart pounded in my chest and my lips felt numb. I told myself that maybe this wouldn’t be so bad and that there was no need to panic, but I couldn’t make myself believe it. I’d been down this road too many times before.
My mother’s long time driver, Thomas, stepped out of the black Lincoln to open the door for me. I hesitated for a second before sliding onto the black leather seat. Clasping my hands on my lap, I closed my eyes and silently counted to ten.
As soon as the door closed, she started in on me again. “Is that what you call cleaned up, Alexandra? God, have you even showered today?” I shook my head at her; if I lied, she would know. It wasn’t worth it. “Look, let’s talk about why I’m here. This mess you’ve made with Ryan, it needs to be cleaned up immediately. It’s already causing issues between Jillian and I.” She shouldn’t be more concerned about her friend than her daughter, but she was. I wondered how Jillian found out, but I wouldn’t ask.
“There isn’t anything to clean up. Ryan and I need a break so we are taking one. We’re separated by a whole continent and we both have classes to focus on.” Her eyes narrowed at me as I continued, “It’s just a break. It doesn’t mean we’re over forever.” Her lack of concern for me made my skin crawl. I would rather be anywhere but here.
She seemed to consider this for a minute. “You better fix this soon. From what I hear, Ryan’s heart is broken. If you ruin this-”
I stopped her, my voice shaking with both anger and sadness; I hated that she viewed my personal relationship and breakup like it was a game. I hated her games. “Ryan and I have been friends for a long time. I won’t ruin it.”
“Good, that’s what I like to hear. Now since you made me drive all the way into the city for this nonsense, let’s have lunch.” Of course I didn’t make her come into the city, but there was no point in arguing with her. She wouldn’t listen to me anyway.
We ate lunch at an organic restaurant my mother chose while I listened to her go on and on about a charity event she was putting together. I picked at my salad and nodded every now and then, but didn’t speak. I wanted to go back to my dorm room and hang out with Jade. I wanted to go somewhere to cry because it wasn’t enough that I broke my best friend’s heart; my mother had to tear me down more until there was nothing left. She always did that; she pushed and pushed until I broke. For once I wanted to matter to someone.
As she dropped me back off at the dorm, she reminded me how important my relationship with Ryan was to her. I hated every minute I spent in that black car, listening to her talk about how she felt and what the end of my relationship was doing to her. This wasn’t normal, that much I knew, but there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. My mother and logic didn’t go well together.
As soon as she dismissed me, I ran into the dorm and stripped off my clothes, throwing my sweats back on. That was my silent way of defying my mother. Maybe one day those little steps toward rebellion would lead me to something bigger, but that was unlikely to happen anytime soon.
I filled Jade in on my visit as we walked to the bakery to pick up some carbs for movie night. She hated that I let my mother walk all over me, but I didn’t feel like I had any other option. Besides, it had been a part of my day-to-day life for so long that I didn’t know any better.
We spent the rest of the day watching DVD’s, eating excessive amounts of junk food, and giggling at anything and everything. The weight on my chest seemed to lift with every moment spent with Jade. She told me about the guy from last night. I had no clue why she felt the need to talk to me about her crazy sex life. I was saving myself for marriage; that was what I told every guy I dated, but I just hadn’t felt enough desire to take that next step with anyone. Once I gave that part of me away I could never get it back and I needed it to mean something. I wanted to feel so deeply for someone that I wanted nothing more than to be with him. No regrets and no second thoughts, just pure want. I might never find it, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t crave it.
Chapter Three
I woke up the next morning feeling marginally better than I had when I went to bed the night before. I had no regrets, but my heart still hurt for the loss of my friend. Many times last night I thought about calling him to make sure he made it back to school okay, but I settled for a quick text. He replied with ‘yes’. My heart dropped when I saw the impersonal text; I was used to more from Ryan. I guess we both needed space before we could move forward with what I hoped would be friendship. There was too much history between us to become strangers.