Her throat went tight and she took another sip of iced tea. Now she had to find out if he felt the same way. It sure seemed like he did. And if he wasn’t ready to admit it yet, she had two more chances to convince him that they could be perfect together if only he was willing to take the chance.
Cat peppered her with questions as they chopped vegetables, and she filled her friend in on their night at the carnival as well.
“The Rafe I know would’ve begged off instantly,” she said. “He must really like your company, because he has hard and fast rules about dating outside of the scene life.”
The words gave Courtney one more buoy of hope to cling to. By the time she finished telling Cat about Gil, and the Ferris wheel, she was more sure than ever that she and Rafe had a real shot of making things work. Chemistry aside, they genuinely liked each other’s company and, with every passing minute, “like” was skidding perilously closer to “love.”
For her, at least.
“Well, that sounds pretty frigging awesome. And I’d like to take the credit for escalating things between you guys again, but I actually did get called into work that night. High-profile client had a last-minute wedding dress emergency. In any case, I’ll tell you this, you’ve never looked better,” Cat said with an approving smile as she resumed her chopping while Courtney washed off some radishes at the wide porcelain sink. “You seem so confident and comfortable in your skin.”
“Thanks.” She wasn’t sure she looked any different, but she sure felt different. Every new experience with Rafe lifted her up. That she could have the kind of sex that her body clearly craved with a man who also made her heart happy was something she had never even dreamed of.
“So are you going to tell him how you feel?” Cat picked up the cutting board and tipped its contents into a large wooden bowl. “Toss those in here whenever you’re ready.”
Courtney took the board and began to slice the radishes into neat discs. “I don’t know,” she said, tempering her excitement some. “I mean, I don’t want to jump the gun.”
“What do you think was the turning point?” Cat’s gaze was filled with curiosity as she nibbled on a piece of celery. “Because I swear, you two were so stubborn. I thought I’d never see the day…”
She thought about that question for a long time before answering. “A lot of things. The way he was with me, so sexy and creative in bed, and then so fun and easy to be around the rest of the time.”
She set the knife down and climbed onto one of the tall island stools, letting her legs swing while she talked. She glanced around to make sure everyone else was still outside chatting before she continued. “Before all this, I let things with Wes color my view of the world. He was controlling to the point of abuse and I never saw it coming.”
Cat made to say something, but she held up a hand to stop her.
“I don’t want you to feel bad for me. I know now that it wasn’t my fault, and I’m happy to say that I’ve moved on. But it took two years to get here and I know Rafe, and even the scenes in a way, are responsible for that. I couldn’t get my head around the idea that I could do those things with a person…let them say those things, and make demands on me sexually like that without turning into a doormat again. Doing them with someone who was no threat to me emotionally but who I trusted as a man was so freeing.”
She tipped her head consideringly. “It hit me the night at the hotel.” The epiphany she’d had excited her even now and she rested her elbows on the granite island. “Rafe is every bit as invested as I am. Every bit as vulnerable. I hold as much power over him as he does me. I’m trusting him to keep me safe even when he might be meting out a punishment, but the power he has is a direct result of my will. I offer that to him when we’re doing a scene together, and he accepts and takes the reins from there, but it all starts with me. It makes me feel strong and sexy and beautiful.”
And happy, she wanted to add, but Cat’s eyes had clouded with worry.
“Makes sense to me, but don’t underestimate how stubborn the man can be. If he did all the things you described, I’d put money on the fact that he’s falling in love with you. He wouldn’t have slept over at your house if he wasn’t. But he’s a tough nut,” Cat said, bustling over to the double oven and taking out a pan of baked potatoes. “He’s stuck to these ideas for five years now, and it’s not easy to convince a man he’s wrong sometimes. Especially not a man like Rafe.”
“I know you’re right. I might wait to say anything until we do the two other scenes. Give him a chance for his brain to catch up with the rest of him, maybe.” At least, she hoped that was how it would go. “But before this is over, I’m going to tell him how I feel. That I’m crazy about him and that I think we could have something really special if he gave it a chance.”
He’d done that for her. Helped her get the confidence and build the strength to risk her heart again. But it was still terrifying. Another trickle of nerves skittered through her and she pushed herself to her feet.
“Well, I’ll be thrilled for you both,” Cat said, gathering up the salad dressing and toppings. “And I’m sure the fact that he got the job done when no one else could doesn’t hurt. If I were you, I’d put a ring on it, lickety-split.”
Courtney chuckled, following behind with the large wooden bowl full of greens. She turned toward the door and froze in her steps when she saw Rafe standing there.
“Am I missing something funny, ladies?”
Courtney’s laughter faded at the stark look on his face. Her heart stuttered and she risked a glance at Cat, who cleared her throat.
“I’m going to check on the burgers.” She scurried out the back door onto the porch without a backward glance and Courtney’s stomach pitched.
“What is she talking about, ‘got the job done’?”
Chapter Thirteen
Rafe stood in the doorway between the dining room and kitchen, reeling. She was crazy about him? Euphoria came in almost hard enough to conquer the fear and denial. But not quite.
Courtney shifted restlessly under his gaze, and set the bowl she’d been holding on the granite island. “How long were you standing there?”
“Long enough. And I’m curious about the whole ‘getting the job done’ thing.” That, of the things he’d heard, was the least of his concerns at the moment, but the last thing he wanted was to give her an opening to air her feelings about him right now. He had no fucking clue what he could say back, and needed some time to work it out.
She looked down at her hands, and twisted at the slim silver ring on her pinky. “I should have put it on the survey, I guess, but it wasn’t really relevant and it’s pretty embarrassing. Um, before you and I…that night after the reception? I’d never had an orgasm before.”
He digested the information and tipped his head. It was still a stunning revelation. Not more stunning than the one banging around in his head like a ricocheting bullet, but still, a doozy. “With a man,” he added and went back into the think tank, trying to determine how this affected their relationship, if at all. He didn’t like the fact that she hadn’t confided in him, but he understood why she hadn’t.
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” She blew out an exasperated sigh. “No. Not with a man. I mean, at all.”
He stared at her now. “Ever?”
She shook her head. “Never.”
The first time she’d ever felt an orgasm in her life was with him. And the second time. And the third and fourth and the fifth. Fuck, no wonder she’d changed her tune so quickly.
One minute she wasn’t sure she wanted a relationship with him and the next she was all about it, asking him to stay over. Not so astounding when he considered how everything progressed. He thought back to Lacey’s bachelorette party when Courtney had grilled him about his sex life and how adamant she’d been that it was wrong for her. Then they’d had that spontaneous meet-up on the side of the road where it all started. He made her come and come hard, and all of a sudden her “nevers” and “no ways” became “probably nots” and “maybes”.
Then after the first scene, she agreed to go to the carnival with him, opening herself even more. And after the other night at the hotel? He’d lost count of the times she’d screamed his name. Even last night…
He pushed last night out of his head with a brutal shove.
Boy, for a detective, he’d sure missed some major clues.
Or maybe you saw what you wanted to see.
“The form you sent me specifically asked if there was anything I should know about your sexual history, Courtney. I can’t see how you thought this didn’t qualify.”
She looked so miserable, all the anger left him in a whoosh. Hell, she couldn’t help it. Anyone who’d managed to get halfway through their twenties without coming was going to feel pretty warm and squishy about the first guy who did her right. Maybe she’d needed that extra push of fantasy and edge to throw her over, or maybe she’d finally let herself go enough to allow it to happen, but whatever the case, odds were good that this wasn’t love at all. Near sick with relief and something else he refused to contemplate for too long, he met her gaze again, his path clear.
“Say something,” she whispered miserably.
In spite of his clamoring emotions, he managed to keep his tone even. “That sucks for you. I’m sorry that it took this long to work it out.”
“So that’s it? You’re not mad that I didn’t tell you?”
“I wish you had. It’s important to be totally honest and forthcoming when it comes to those surveys, but I’m not mad.”
She nodded but still looked unsure. “Okay. Well, Lacey and Galen picked me up. Maybe you could give me a ride home after dinner and we can talk? The food’s probably getting cold and Cat probably feels uncomfortable. We should go out and let her know everything’s cool.”
He crossed the room and held the door open, then followed her out. She brushed his arm with her fingertips and he wished he could give in to the urge to reassure her. To take her hand and give it a squeeze so she’d know everything was going to be all right. But he couldn’t do that.
Because at this point? He was pretty sure nothing was going to be right at all.
Despite their agreement to talk, the ride home was almost silent. He hated making her feel bad and insecure. A dozen times, he’d opened his mouth to reassure her, but the fact was, he couldn’t. Not if he was being honest.
“Williams got some new info on that convenience store assault case. I have to meet him at the station to go over it. I can come in to check the house if you want, but I can’t stay.”
That much was true. His partner had called him after they’d finished dinner when Courtney was saying her good-byes to Cat. He didn’t add that there was no real reason they couldn’t go over it on the telephone.
Because he needed to buy time. Time to decide what the fuck he was going to do. They had two more scenes together and he wasn’t ready to give her up yet. He took a left onto her street and had almost convinced himself to turn around. To say fuck it and bring her back to his house like none of this had happened.
Then he remembered what it felt like to have his heart smashed into pieces. To love someone and lose them. Maybe Courtney loved him, and maybe, as he suspected, it was nothing more than her confusing lust with love. Either way, he wasn’t willing to risk causing her more pain just so he could spend two more nights with her. That would make him a bigger bastard than her ex.
Now that she’d moved past her issues and gotten her confidence back she should get out there, meet people, find someone who could offer her something more than toe-curling orgasms.