“Not really. It was fun. Did you two spot anyone familiar?”
“No,” AJ said.
Teresa sighed. “They’re here. I know they are.”
AJ held the door open for her. “It’s still early. Give it time.”
There were concerts and all-night parties going on, but Teresa was done. She wanted to go back to the house and collapse. When they got there, Pax started up the grill, saying he was hungry.
“It’s after midnight, Pax,” she said, flopping onto one of the chairs outside.
“I don’t care. I need food.” He turned, spatula in hand. “You want a burger or not?”
Her stomach grumbled loudly, making her realize how long it had been since they’d eaten. She laughed. “I guess that’s your answer.” She stood. “I’ll go make a salad.”
While she fixed a salad and Pax grilled the burgers, AJ set the table. The whole scene was so . . . domestic. She could imagine doing this every night for these guys.
For two men.
But that wasn’t likely to happen. First, the guys worked for the government, often on assignment God knows where, so they weren’t going to have nine-to-five jobs in the same town where she lived. And for that matter, she didn’t have a regular job, either. She worked nights at the bar, not getting home until after two in the morning. So her whole dream of domesticity just fizzled into the ether.
The second thing was, living with two men wasn’t exactly the slice of suburban bliss she’d had in mind when she dreamed of her happily ever after. Then again, nothing about her life had turned out like she’d imagined back then. So why should this be any different? Besides, who was talking about forever and commitments anyway? At this point she’d just like to be able to have decent sex without breaking out in hives or tensing to the point of wanting to throw up.
Her moment with AJ had been perfect. But it had been just a tease, a glimpse into what she could have. AJ touching her, Pax watching. Now she wanted more. A lot more. She wanted to follow up all the way to the big finish. She was a young single woman in the prime of her life. She was self-sufficient and independent, with a great job. She should be having awesome sex right now.
She just didn’t want to start something with either of them that she wasn’t sure she’d be able to take all the way. The problem was that until things got started, she didn’t know what she could finish and what she couldn’t.
Would they even be willing to take that step with her, not knowing if she could go through with it? She thought about that while they sat in the kitchen and ate. Teresa stole glances at them while they were busy eating. They were so different in appearance, and yet so similar in so many ways. So utterly different from the men who’d hurt her, and even from the guys she’d tried to be with after. That’s what she had to wrap her mind around.
They didn’t pressure her; they had no expectations of a sexual relationship. Even though the three of them were holed up in this house—such an intimate environment—she could be just a friend to them and it would be okay. Yet they’d still protect her as if there was a bond between them. She’d seen plenty of that today as they stood knee-deep in thick crowds and she noticed how both of them surrounded her. It was unspoken, but it was there.
She didn’t understand why, but their lack of expectation made her appreciate them so much more. It made her want to give back some of what they’d given to her.
After dinner, they grabbed drinks and sat outside. The night was clear, the smell of the hills wrapping around her senses. She loved being out here where it was cool at night and the stars glittered like diamonds in the black sky. She rested on the cushioned chaise lounge, laid her beer on the table next to her and raised her arms over her head, completely relaxed as she gazed up at the sky.
“You’re kind of quiet tonight, honey.”
She pulled her gaze away from the stars and onto Pax. “I know. Sorry. Been thinking.”
“About what?” AJ asked.
“You guys.”
They were sitting in chairs on either side of the chaise, facing her. Pax leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees. “Yeah? What are you thinking about?”
“How nice it is to be here with both of you. How you don’t expect anything from me. How different it is to have exceptional men like you in my life. I’m very grateful.”
Pax looked down for a second, then back at her, obviously uncomfortable. “You make us sound like heroes, Teresa. We’re not.”
“We’re just men,” AJ added. “We’re not perfect.”
“Oh, I know that. I have no illusions, believe me. She leaned forward, straddling the chaise. “I just want you to know how much I like being here with both of you.”
“We like being here with you, too,” Pax said.
She swallowed, her heart thrumming a fast beat. “I was hoping . . . it could be more than that.”
Pax looked at her. So did AJ. Neither said anything.
Pax stood. “You don’t ever have to be afraid with us, Teresa.”
She frowned. “Where are you going?”
“To bed.” He leaned over, kissed the top of her head. “Good night.”
She stared at him as he walked away, then turned to AJ. “I don’t get it. I say I want to get closer, and he walks away.”
AJ picked up her hand. “I think he sees you as belonging to me. Because of our past. He doesn’t want to step all over that.”
“A long time ago we did belong to each other.”
“We did.”
“Until you left.”
He looked away. “I had to, Teresa. You know that.”
“I do.” She squeezed his hand. “When you love someone, you think nothing can stand in the way of that.”
He went silent, his eyes meeting hers and staying there. She was lost in the dark gray depths that seemed to hold so many secrets. She felt like she was so close to something monumental, that all she had to do was reach out and it would be hers.
But then AJ stood, leaned over and kissed her cheek. “It’s late. You should get some sleep since you’re the only one employed around here.” He straightened, winked. “Good night, Teresa.”
And just like that, she was alone out on the terrace.
She’d been determined to step back into the game of sex tonight. With AJ or Pax or possibly even both of them. But the night she’d planned had evaporated. Again. They’d left her. And she had no idea why.
THIRTEEN
TERESA PACED HER BEDROOM, UNABLE TO SLEEP. SHE SHOWERED, dried her hair and tried to lie down, only to drift off for an hour and wake up again. She’d had a long day. Why wasn’t she exhausted?
Unfinished business. Both her mind and body knew this and wouldn’t let her rest. AJ and Pax had left her and she damn well wanted to know why. She couldn’t have made her intentions more clear.
So why didn’t they take her up on her offer? What did she have to do—strip naked and throw herself on them?
She appreciated them being careful with her, but she didn’t want that. Not now. She wanted sex. The hot, dirty, throw-her-against-the-wall-and-fuck-her-until-she-screamed kind of sex. They were being too solicitous. They were treating her like a sister. Or worse yet, like the other guys she’d tried to date after the rape. They were backing away. And she knew that’s not what they wanted any more than it’s what she wanted.
It was pissing her off.
Tired of pacing a rut in the bedroom carpet, she flung open her bedroom door and marched down the hall and into the living room. Moonlight called to her from the terrace. Some fresh air might do her good. She was tired of the dark and her own thoughts. She opened the door and stepped outside, the blast of chilly air knocking her senses into full awareness.
Okay, cold out here. She went back in and grabbed the blanket from the back of the sofa, then stepped out and slid onto the chaise, throwing the blanket over her bare legs.
Another clear night. Just her and the stars again. Millions of them, all watching over her. At least they didn’t up and leave her alone when she needed them most.
And wasn’t she just cranky as hell. What exactly were her expectations of Pax and AJ, anyway? They’d been there for her since the moment they’d arrived in her hometown and hadn’t left her side once. Just because they didn’t behave exactly as she expected them to didn’t mean they didn’t care. If anything, they probably cared too much.
And that was the problem. It was the wrong kind of caring.
She had only herself to blame for this dilemma. She’d poured out her heart and blabbed about the rape.
Now both of them were afraid to touch her. They’d probably expected her to go off the deep end the first time she saw a penis again.
She was over it already. She wanted sex.
“Can’t sleep?”
She turned to find Pax leaning against the doorway. Bare chested, he wore only his jeans, the button undone as if he’d hastily tossed them on.
He looked delicious and utterly edible, which didn’t improve her mood at all. She shifted her gaze to the darkness beyond the terrace.
“No, I can’t sleep.”
“Want some company?”
She shrugged, then heard the scrape of one of the chairs as he pulled it next to hers.
“Something bothering you?”
“No.” Yes.
“Want to talk about it?”
Talking was the last thing she wanted to do. She didn’t answer.
“Teresa.”
She let out a big sigh, then turned to him. “I don’t understand you two.”
His brows lifted. “Us two, meaning me and AJ?”
“Yes.”
“What don’t you understand?”
“Why you don’t want to have sex with me.”
Okay, way to blurt it out, Teresa. Pax stared at her like she’d grown two heads.
“You think we don’t want to have sex with you.”
“What else am I supposed to think? I was throwing out some definite signals earlier. And then you both left me out here.”
“We’re just trying to be careful with you.”
“I’m tired of men being careful around me, like I’m some kind of precious cargo that has to be handled with care. I’m not going to break, goddammit. I need someone to touch me, to treat me like I’m a normal woman.”
He stood. “Teresa—”
She raised her hand, already well aware of the excuses and apologies she’d heard countless times before. She’d thought Pax and AJ were different. They weren’t. “Never mind. I don’t need to hear whatever it is you’re about to say. I’ve been down this road before. I tell guys I’ve been raped and they walk on eggshells around me. No man knows how to handle a damaged woman.”
“You aren’t damaged.”
“Spare me.” She kicked off the blanket and stood. “I’m going to bed.”
Pax was up and in front of her before she took another step. “That’s enough.”
She laid her hand on his chest. “Exactly. It’s enough. I’ve had enough of men not being able to look me in the eye, afraid to touch me, treating me like I have leprosy or VD just because I was raped. It wasn’t my fault those guys took something from me that I didn’t offer.”
Pax frowned. “No. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Then why do I feel like five years later I’m still paying for it?” She moved to skirt around him, but he latched on to her wrist and pulled her against him.
“Don’t walk away.”
“Let me go.”
Instead, he pulled her against him. “No.”
“I said let me go.”
He snaked an arm around her waist and drew her closer to him. Her breasts hit his chest and the air whooshed out of her lungs.